I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.
A short story about a walk and lunchtime. Twilight Sparkle finds herself eating at restaurants more with a mind buried in thought. She thinks as she walks, as she talks and as she eats.
A simple and unimpressive little tale I wrote in one insomniac session. Feel free to tell me how bad it is in the comments before forgetting about it completely.
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Laughed really hard at the spy bit! I'll have to read it again!
Interesting.
Twilight Sparkle as Socrates, followed by the despair of the Platonist, followed by the hyper-observation and paranoia one tends to associate contemporarily with Adrian Monk, and ending with an inverse of The Secret life of Walter Mitty (I'm sure i got the last name wrong).
In all, a dense and curious slice-of-life read.
Upvoted.
3459059>>3458461
thanks!
This is an "off the books" review, brought to you by Dark Avenger himself. It is in no way related to a certain group that we are both members of.
Oh, come on, don't act so surprised! You're not fooling anyone. You knew full well that this was coming, and that you deserve every second of it. If anything, you were asking for this with that tidbit you left at the end. Well, fear not, because I have every intention of sating your need for someone to dish out some relentless abuse for you...
Now, one might rightfully point out that it is a little strange for me to choose this particular story as the subject of my review, considering the fact that the story of mine that good ol' twitterdick here has decided to do is about ten times longer, not to mention he also has a story up here that is much longer than this one (and perhaps far more interesting as well). But since you insisted on shoving that little bit of shameless self-promotion into your clumsy mess of a review, I only felt it to be appropriate to choose this one as an opportunity to "settle the score."
While we are on the subject, allow me to point out a couple of things to you: First of all, dropping the name of a world-renowned author into your review to prove a point will not make me think any more highly of you. Obviously, I'm not going to compare myself to them, meaning that I already start at a disadvantage in the argument (albeit an unfair disadvantage). Also, even if I myself like said author, I'm not going to start blindly following every word they say about how one is supposed to write a "good" story (as if any single author had the authority to define what a "good story" is...)
Secondly:
With that round of mindless kindergarten slapfighting aside, let me announce right from the start that Twilight Approaches Acedia is actually a pretty decent story. It's short, simple, and stops itself well before it would outstay its welcome, so even if you're not entirely satisfied at the end, you can at least be grateful that it did not waste more than a few minutes of your time.
The short description tells you pretty much everything you need to know about the plot, and there is little thereof: "A short story about a walk and lunchtime. Twilight Sparkle finds herself eating at restaurants more with a mind buried in thought. She thinks as she walks, as she talks and as she eats." Classic stuff. "Classic," as in: "I've read this kind of story a thousand times before, but if it's at least done right..."
Structurally, there's not that many things I could dissect about it, with the obvious exception of a few grammar issues, not all of which are just typos ("thru" instead of "through"? Seriously?). The writing itself seems to have an odd pacing as well. Not bad, by any means, but at the same time it doesn't seem to have a very smooth flow either. I suppose it's best described as being halfway between what I imagine "stream of consciousness" looks like and a "regular" short story.
However, there are three glaring issues with this story that I must mention: Firstly, in the "show vs. tell" department, "tell" has absolute dominance of the market here. This may just be personal preference (and what the fuck else did you expect me to write about here?), but when it comes to a story like this, the imagery and the character's actions (e.g conversations) should be the most expressive elements, pointing us to (but not telling us explicitly) the kind of "philosophy-infused verbal diarrhea" that is dumped all over us the whole time during this tale. Instead, twitterdick insists on making us sit through every single thought that runs through Twilight's mind, up to and including her bowel movements...
This brings me to the second point: Twilight Sparkle doesn't sound like the most appropriate character choice for this story. True enough, we know her as well-educated, rational, and slightly obsessive-compulsive pony, whose mind does not stop perhaps all day long, so it isn't much of a stretch to imagine her overthinking everything she sees during the day. However, the actual thought processes seem out of character for her. Twilight is, in a way, a scientist rather than a philosopher. While there is some science-y stuff thrown in, it only seems to serve the purpose of painting a huge "SHE IS A SMART PONY" sign on her and does not contain any real depth. Her thinking seems far more rational than what you present here, as evidenced by the episode where she actually attempts to rationalize the "Pinkie sense." I would sooner believe that she would start thinking about the chemical compounds in the pile of dogshit she stepped in on her way to the café than start a philosophical debate in her head about trees or whatever. It might actually have provided a far more subtle method of delivering the "transcendental" ideas, perhaps through having her think about how the simplest things in life are actually the results of incredibly complicated processes (e.g "the smell of dogshit hitting your nose after you stepped in it involves (among other things): physics, chemistry, probability, biology, and maybe even politics...)
Finally, why in the name of unholy space cunts is this story an MLP fanfic at all? Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it when an author attempts to stray away from the "conventional" methods of writing MLP fan fiction, but even then I at least expect them to maintain a few elements of the universe to provide it distinction. This story, however, barely contains any elements that would make it necessary for it to involve Twilight Sparkle, or any of the Friendship is Magic universe for that matter, in order to deliver its intended message (whatever it may be). Admittedly, it builds a decent atmosphere and provides pleasant insight into one's character (though, as I've mentioned before, said character should not be Twilight Sparkle), so it would work just fine as an original piece. To me, this seems to be the point where turning it into a fanfic defeats the purpose of writing it in the first place. That, or you could have made a better character choice, thus giving the insight a purpose.
That's about all I can think of. "Nightlight Encroaches the Media" (am i doing it rite?) is a fine piece of literature that, depending on how bored or busy you are at the time of reading, may or may not set your own mind in motion. Its main faults are presentation and character choice, and even the overall message is slightly off due to the lack of any real context. She takes a walk one day, sits in a café, eats what I imagine is a pleasant meal, then concludes that her life is meaningless? While I hate the stereotype, if anything, this sounds like the upper one percent bitching about "the great torment that is life." Both Twilight and twitterdick need to get their hands on Candide and let Voltaire's bitchslaps set them straight about bullshiting yourself.
That is all. Thank you for your attention! I will now proceed to purge my breakfast from my stomach, because it's been over an hour and it still does not agree with me...
3523333
Yeah, I like 'thru'. It's thin, pretty and gives head like a champ - much like your sister [If you don't have one substitute 'sister' with 'girlfriend' (if you don't have one of those substitute 'sister' with 'goldfish')] I think 'through' is too flabby and obtuse - much like your mom. (If you don't have a mom and reproduce asexually, substitute 'mom' with 'dog'). I can do whatever I want with the English language because of entitled reasons. So ha!
Thanks for sorting thru (ha) this verbal discharge that I shat out one insomnia-filled evening. It's seem you gave much more of a shit about it than I ever did - it was like an experiment to see just how folks reacted to such a thing. Your comments were insightful... I guess. I can't wait to not take them seriously. The insults to both me and my "work" where good enough to almost make me consider pretending to be offended out of pity - maybe with some more practice you could even make me feel an emotion!
Thanks again for willingly squandering away your time on this garbage, you magnificent fool. Every second I steal away from you creatures gets added to my lifespan - I've been going for 340 years.
I enjoy the hate. It's the only way I can get it up!
Also, Hatebeak. It's a death metal band that's singer is a parrot. Srsly. I couldn't make this shit up.
3524462
Wow... only one "your mom" and one "your sister/girlfriend" in that post? Your efforts seem to show improvement...
*yawn*
=As I am rather new to this style of review, I do ask that you take my comments with a few more grains of salt than you would with other reviewers=
I don't get what this fanfic is about. I'd like to call it a slice of life story, but there isn't any life in it to begin with. So Twilight began to lose all care in the world, and begins reflecting on her lack of worth compared to such characters like Merli- I mean 'Star Swirl', wondering if they even knew how famous they'd become. All while she wonders about the true meaning of life, which anybody with half a brain would know that we find our own meaning.
Now from a writing perspective, it's a mess. Not so much the plot, but the actual writing style. Every paragraph and piece of dialogue looks like a fat woman who insists on reclining in the cheap seats of an airplane, crushing my ability to read like it were my kneecaps. Struggling to belly-crawl my way through the story, I found myself more lost with secret agents and food; not exactly the best combo. I can't find any way to empathize with our protagonist- no, she's not even a protagonist. She isn't working towards something, all she does is value things on whether or not they bring food to her.
The narration just sucked the life out of this slice.