All Over's Unique and Fantastic Life.

by BronySquidiness

The Showing.

After leaving the train, me and Twilight went over to Pony Joes to enjoy some lunch. As they ordered, the waiter asked " Would you like the couples special?" In a (supposedly) knowing voice.
"What??" Me and Twilight say as one.
"We are not a couple" I say
"Yes, he has the most annoying laugh." Twilight adds.
"Seriously, what do you want?" The waiter asks.
"The biggest mug of coffee possible." I request
"A daisy sandwich" Twilight says.
The waiter canters away, leaving Twilight and me in ackward silence.

"So, what is it like being Celestia's Protege?" I ask, breaking the silence.
"It's..... Nice" she says.
NICE!!! You are the star pupil of a goddess, and it's just NICE??? Calm down All-Over, Calm Down, i rationalize.
"What do you learn?" I ask.
"Well, I used to learn spells, mathematics, history, etc. But about 8 months ago, she sent me to Ponyville to learn about friendship. The rest is history, I suppose."

Our orders arrive, and we eat (drink) in silence. As I look to the clock it reads 1:00 PM. Oh. My. Celestia. I grab Twilight, "We gotta get the buck out of here!" I say as we run over to the Canterlot Gardens. I see my crate in the courtyard, and sigh in relief. I pull out one of my numerous knives and pry open the crate. I grab the Giant crossbow, mount it on the tripod, and load the magazine.

"Erm........ All-Over? Shinies over there." She points at Shining Armor. Oh Right. I trot over to him, "So would you like to see my Bow?" I ask.
"No, I would like to know why my sister is with you at a military demonstration!!!" He yells in my face. " Woah woah woah, she tagged along with me since she was coming to see you. Got a problemo??" I reply with a crafty tone.

"Whatever, let's start this." He says. "Shoot the ten pony mannequins." He orders. "Alright" I say, aiming the crossbow. TWAP, hit. This process goes on nine more times. Shining stares at me, slackjawed. I walk over, "And you know what else, I have explosive bolts and mags filled with hundreds of bolts too".
"What do you want for it?" He asks.
"10,000 bits and my name on the plaque, and it's yours".
"Deal....." He says in a wispy tone. Well, that went well.

Author's Note:

Oh, the words did nothing huh. Ain't that odd.

Please tell me about any mess ups.

Comments

[Jphyper]

You cannot have more than one character speak in a single paragraph. Each character gets a separate paragraph. This would be a decent story if it were possible to keep track of who was talking.

[BronySquidiness]

3454427 Duly Noted, I shall handle it.

[doompownr]

I noticed that to when they were at pony joe's most specifically but yes separating everyone comments and identifying them accordingly (while long winded ) is very beneficial to the reader.
4 stars

[doompownr]

this is an altogether great work while I feel you have the potential to make longer chapters I encourage you to write whats comfortable because forcing content has been known to cause muse deficiency (you stop liking writing)

[BronySquidiness]

3456001 Wow, didn't expect 3, much less 4. As well, I plan to have many short chapters, I just can't write huge chapters. As well, I write for fun, but when people like and enjoy my story, I work harder to give content.