I'm a young adult obsessed with miniature pastel ponies. Also, confound these ponies they drive me to write.
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Twilight never wanted the responsibility of a kingdom on her shoulders, but Celestia’s assassination has thrust her into an impossible situation. With the stability of the world now threatened by those who would take advantage of Celestia’s absence, Twilight must delve into a world of politics, subterfuge, and war that nopony could have prepared her for.
Cover art provided courtesy of the talented shadowkixx, check him out.
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I read this later...
Commentary will be limited by the fact that this only a 1300-word chapter. I will endeavor to critique what is available.
Mechanics:
How the work is grammatically and mechanically structured. Not a lot you can say. Grammar and punctuation are sound. Sentence construction is a little odd. Some of the sentences frame oddly, or seem unnecessary. Also, passive tone is okay if the object is more important than the subject.
Structure:
How the story is told. The overall flow of the verbiage is a little choppy, but that's favorable over drooling lines of prolixity. In that aspect, your writing style is artful in its efficiency. You get accurate portrayals without the cumbersome fluff that sinks most fiction works. The setting and action is conveyed effectively, but there is a noticeable uneven adherence to verbal economy. Less is more, until you have so little the story itself starves.
Example- an endless sea of memories hadn’t allowed her a peaceful nights sleep in years.
There’s a prime opportunity to inject something compelling, or some artful and alluring foreshadowing here. Instead, the paragraph ends. Don’t be afraid to expound if it works toward delivering a message.
Without artistic divergence, you end up with the following story: “He went to the fridge. He opened the fridge. He grabbed the mayonnaise jar. He opened the jar. He started punching the mayonnaise savagely, shouting, “Active voice is my only voice!”
Content:
By content I mean the actual guts of the story. The content of the narrative. What it is trying to tell me. Again, in one chapter, I can't really discern any overarching themes to judge adherence by, or to decide if the leveraging thereof is compelling. From what I have read, it's interesting, but the threat of playing out as a cliché looms heavy. What separates a thought provoking work from a tired rehash? The encompassing message, and how the narrative structure and character development play into and amplify it. Again, I can’t rate either from so little material.
-My Call: Promising
3569859
I'd be very surprised if you could guess the overarching theme/message of the story from the first chapter. At this point I'm more interested in feedback on the lower level mechanics of the story rather than the high level stuff. And you provided, thank you. I've read so much fan fiction which, even though it's interesting, I'm unable to really enjoy because of how needlessly and tiredly verbose it is. So I really take that as a compliment. I'll keep your other points in mind as I write and rewrite this story though. On a side note: I think you're the first author I've ever heard complain about too much active voice, though I agree, passive voice has its place.
3570779
On a personal note, I enjoy your writing style. It just, in places, feels like I am being jabbed with words. It's "show, don't tell" taken to the extreme end of "show".
I'm not saying aim for passive voice, just don't be scared of it. It can add style to otherwise violently direct exposition.
3573595
I think chapter 2 or 3 might have a little bit of passive voice. Maybe.
M'kay, this review is brought to you on behalf of
Authors Helping Auth- oops, force of habit. Y'know what? I'm going to do it like that anyway... :WARNING: MAY CONTAIN GLUTEN SPOILERS:Pros:
1. Good grammar and few, if any spelling mistakes.
2. The plot promises to be fairly interesting so far.
3. Good use of show vs. tell.
Cons:
1. Though it may just be personal preference clouding my judgement, I think too little has been said. When it says that Celestia is at her desk, it gives no indication of when, or how, she got there; this makes it possible for less astute readers to get lost.
2. Pacing. So far, Celestia has woken up, done paper work and... oh yeah, been murdered. I'm just saying, that's quite a heavy plot point to drop within a 1,300 word chapter.
3. Characterisation. When approached by a pony in a cloak, who may just be lost or even deaf, she immediately responds aggressively to their advance. This doesn't really reflect in her canon representation.
Also:
Should probably be "A faint glow".
This story shows definite promise, though it isn't something that I'd particularly enjoy. Hope this helped!