Aftermath of A Fallen Star
By Rated Ponystar
Edited by The Unnamed Pawn and Commander X5 and DbzorDie
Pre-Read by: Magic Man
Torturer Part 2(Stag’s POV)
***
How many others out there get to make a grown stallion cry like a little baby and get to say that they’ve had a good day? Not that many I’m sure but those guys don’t know what they’re missing. I know what you're thinking: “Oh my gosh, he’s a complete monster!” Everyone has a monster inside of them, but the difference when it comes to me is that I don’t shy away from unleashing it at will. Besides, you think I’m bad? Please, there are ponies, changelings, griffins, dragons and more who are just as bad or worse than me.
And every monster has their limit. Something they just don’t do. And for me... it’s kind of personal.
Anyway, now that we had the name of the newest groupie, Lord Cosmo, we made our way to his cell in silence. The two guards, dumb and dumber, were looking at me like I was about to run off and eat their foals and there I was, honestly not giving a buck. Evening Glory, however, was looking at me with less hatred and even a hint of respect for what I did to Lord Ivory. I pity their trial. Princess Celestia was on the warpath and she was looking at anypony who did something wrong. Got the whole underworld on lockdown even, something I have never seen or even heard of before.
Not a single smart criminal or gangster or hireling is doing anything illegal in fear of Celestia’s burning gaze coming over their actions. Well, noone but me since I had a free pass.
I don’t know why Celestia would even bother worrying about the underworld, almost everypony I associated with in my business wanted to see Princess Twilight’s reformations come to light. Easing up on hostilities with the predator nations would allow “business” to pick up internationally. Alliances with other “international businesses” could happen and imports could be easier. Plus if the rumors of these new lands we’re hearing about in the far east sea are true it could bring even more dough.
Oh and that whole “friendship to all” thing Twilight was going for. Sure that too.
Anyway, we arrived at Lord Cosmo’s cell where he was chained to a wall. The guy was a pegasus, rare for their kind to be nobles in Canterlot, with long blond and green mixed mane and a green furred body with a yellow shooting star on his flank. Sad part is I didn’t know much about this guy, so I was left to ask Miss Stick-Up-Her-Butt.
“So, what can you tell me about him? Lesser noble I’m guessing?”
Evening Glory nodded. “Lord Cosmo, second eldest son of the Starwing family. Originally from Cloudsdale, the family moved to Canterlot over fifteen years ago after their oldest son died in an honor duel. His family has been seen working at the Night Court and they have a strong investment in astrology research. Starwing’s family has been trying to earn their second oldest son’s freedom despite Lord Cosmo here gloating on about how he did his duty to end the future tyrant of Equestria.”
“Looks like the Starwing’s are gonna be burying another body or cremate him or whatever it is pegasi do with their dead,” I muttered. “I’m gonna go in and take a look at him.”
“Need a guard?” she asked.
I grinned. “Why? Afraid I’ll get hurt, Ms. Batty? I’m touched.”
“Not at all, Bug.” she shook her head, rolling her eyes.
I chuckled a bit before I transformed into one of the guards and entered the door. I made sure to keep my face stone still with no emotion, like most of the pricks, before I walked over to Lord Cosmo. He glared at me and said nothing as I stopped in front of him and stood still, analyzing his every move. No shortness of breath despite looking like he got a good beating, that shows he’s not afraid. Eyes are focused on me so he’s focused. Not even struggling against his chains, guess he’s accepted his fate and doesn’t mind it.
This might be fun to break.
“Hey, guard...” said Lord Cosmo, but I refused to answer. “I already know why you’re here. You want my confession don’t you?” He smirked. “Here it is. I, Lord Cosmo, did indeed conspire and work with my comrades to have Princess Twilight Sparkle assassinated, may she forever burn in Tartarus. That false princess was nothing more than the blade which would cut off Equestria’s head if she was allowed to live. She would have ruined this country!”
I raised my eyebrow, but didn’t speak. This I had to hear.
“She wanted to actually replace our magical lifestyle with a more ‘technological’ one. That lifestyle brought nothing but death with the way the griffins use it to make war. Who's to say we won’t follow the same dark and demoralizing path?! I don’t care how much it would improve our life in ways magic didn’t, it would be abused and lead us to ruin. History will see me as a hero!”
Ah, I’ve heard about this argument of course. Equestria was “founded by magic, raised by magic, and would live only with magic”. Anything short of that was “sacrilegious” to the point where some extremists go out of their way to destroy anything that was technology they didn’t agree with. It was only after the last one hundred years that they managed to finally advance themselves. Seriously, they didn’t have fridges or toilets ‘till a hundred and twenty years ago.
“I take great pleasure knowing that whorse died in agony as our assassins sank their blades into her flesh,” said a grinning Lord Cosmo. “I only wish her baby dragon was there so he could have been killed as well...” my eyes widened, “... and she would watch him die before joining him.”
A baby dragon.
“Is that right?” I asked, still maintaining my stone expression. After a moment’s pause, I turned to leave. “Excuse me.”
I closed the door behind me hard before I took off my disguise and glared at Evening Glory. “Is this true?”
Her eyebrows shot up a bit and I could guess why. This was the first time I was acting serious and let me tell you something I don’t normally act serious unless two things were happening. One was if the Vanhoover Renegades were playing in the playoffs and the second was when I was angry. And depending on the answer I was about to get I was about to get very, very angry.
“Yes, Princess Twilight’s adopted son is Spike Sparkle. He was a dragon she hatched at a very young age and raised ever since,” answered Evening Glory.
“How old is he now?” I asked gritting my teeth.
“I’d say around eleven to twelve. Why?”
A child. They were willing to kill a child. Now, there are a few things in this world that get me angry. Sometimes I get angry when Chrysalis' name is spoken, although I soon feel happy again knowing she’s dead. I also get angry when the Vanhoover Renegades lose at soccer, but then again that’s normal. You see... there is one thing you never want to be when you face me either in public or when I’m having you tied to a chair ready to put a cage of hungry rats over your head and release them if you don’t tell me what I want to hear. That is if I hear you, intended or unintentionally, hurt a child.
I may be a monster. I may live off the suffering of others. I dare say that I love what I do. However, even a monster like me has a line that is never to be crossed. Killing a princess? Fine, I don’t care about Canterlot politics, and its normal when a public figure is almost or successfully killed in a coup or by a hired killer. But wanting to end the life of a young child who had just started living?
There is a reason you never want to see a professional torturer like me angry. We don’t lose our cool. No, we go beyond what we normally do to make our victims beg for mercy before we are through with them. And if it wasn’t for my promise not to kill these five? I would make sure that the last thing on their minds before sweet oblivion takes them is regret even having the idea of harming a child. That all the regrets they have in the world are nothing compared to the crime they had just committed.
The crime of pissing me off. Well, now it was time to use one of my more... delicious methods of torture.
“Right, excuse me for a moment.” I said before I calmly opened the door and trotted over to the startled Lord Cosmo.
“What the hay is a chang—”
He didn’t get a chance to finish as I quickly punched him in the face and knocked him out. Glaring at his limp body in chains, I then said, “Quick question. Do you have a large tub?”
“Why?” asked Evening Glory as she walked in.
I smirked, my eyes narrowed with both glee and anticipation. “Because Lord Cosmo here is a very dirty colt and needs a bath.”
***
It took about half an hour to set up what I needed. Turns out that the princesses actually have a torture room, but haven’t used for hundreds of years. Shame too, some of these instruments are classics like the iron maiden and rack. You can even see the dried bloodstains on the old guillotine. Ah, I wish I had been in a bloodstained and chaotic time as that. Where ponies were dragged by their tails, screaming and kicking, begging for mercy, praying to their goddess, and manuring themselves. All before the final moment where the blade was hung in the air, all was silent and then... slice! Of course I prefer the breaking wheel on my list of painful executions, but that’s for another time.
I sat in my collapsible chair, eating from a bag of trail mix requested while I waited for Lord Cosmo to wake up. The look on his face when he saw he was tied up all the way to the ceiling by some ropes and pulleys was priceless. Naturally, he struggled against his bonds, even tried releasing his wings, but I already made sure those were tied up nice and tight as well.
I watched him struggle a bit before I whistled. “Down here, cupcake.”
He noticed me and growled. “Where am I, changeling?!”
“Well, milord, to be frank, you are still in the palace dungeons, but in the old torture room. I’m borrowing it for awhile 'till I get you to spill the names of the five guards that assassinated Princess Twilight Sparkle.”
“The princesses actually hired one of you pupil-less freaks to torture me?!” growled Lord Cosmo. “This only proves that she has lost her sense of mind!”
That was so stupid I had to do a double-take. “I’m sorry-- I’m a ‘what’? I’m a ‘pupil-less freak’?” I asked, half laughing, a silly grin working across my face. “That’s not even clever, you idiot. But yeah, you go ahead and insult the stallion who’s got you hanging up on the ceiling and can bring you down hard, whatever floats your boat.” I leaned back and placed my forehooves behind my head as a pillow. “Now, I was going to go easy on you, but let’s just say, thanks to your mouth, certain information has ticked me off so much that I’m going to do my best to utterly break you until nothing remains of your pride and mind.”
“You will not break me, changeling! I am loyal and unwavering in my faith to our—”
“Oh, do change the record,” I muttered before eating another peanut. “I’d like to interrupt your insane babbling to annoy you, make things generally irritating, and let you know that you are suspended above a vast tub of bleach.”
The look on his face was, again, priceless as he peered down and gasped. Below him was a wooden tub large enough to drown even Celestia, filled with that good old stain removing liquid. I used my magic to activate the lever holding him and his slow descent towards his doom began. He struggled even harder as I calmly ate my peanuts while activating a nearby radio that I had requested for listening. Just because I’m torturing somepony doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy myself. I smiled as the calming music began to echo across the room.
Lord Cosmo continued to cry out for help or demand that I take him down which made my mood sour as I could hear him over the music. “Will you pipe down, I’m trying to relax. Breaking ponies is a stressful job, you know?” I smirked. “Unless you want to tell me the names?”
“Damn you, changeling! I will do no such thing!” he shouted in defiance.
“Fine by me. You’re the one who’s gonna die in the worst way possible.” I continued to watch him squirm while continuing to enjoy my little break. Seriously, why don’t others like this job? I’m getting paid to just sit and watch this pony slowly edge his way towards his doom. It’s work, a hobby I love, and entertainment in one. Of course, I could do this for kicks and giggles but, as a great stallion once said: “if you're good at something, never do it for free”.
Soon I noticed that he was sweating as he crossed his legs and his tail was lifting a bit before settling back down. My smiled increased. Little known fact about ponies, they got the worst poker butts. By that I mean you can tell their emotions by how their tails move. That little movement right there meant somepony had to use the little colts room.
Badly.
“I see you’ve started to feel it,” I said nonchalantly, spitting out the shells of some peanuts. I wish I had a soda to drink with these. Should make a note of that next time. “Need to pee?”
“What’s it any concern to you?” questioned Lord Cosmo as he gulped.
“Well it should considering that I had the guards put orange juice into your body via IV and now that you got to piss it’s time for a little chemistry lesson,” I said gleefully. “Now, bleach, as you know, contains chlorine in it. And piss has... oh what was it?” I rubbed my chin trying to remember that chemical’s name. Here I was trying to play teacher to this poor little pile of manure and I was already forgetting the lesson. “Arsenic? No... oh! Ammonia! That was it!”
Now for the fun part. I smiled as he looked upon me with worry. “Now ammonia combined with chlorine creates a special kind of gas known as ammonium chloride which was used by the griffins in their earlier wars before they became allies with Equestria. They used to create this little science experiment and used it on their enemies where hundreds of thousands died from it. Now these days they use it for their executions at the gas chambers. It’s a really interesting thing, history, you should read it sometime.”
I could see Lord Cosmo’s sweat dripping down every part of his body as he crossed his legs even more as the strain of being held for so long began to show. He eyed the vat of bleach that he was slowing inching towards like it was the river Styx itself. Seeing this poor scared fellow in such horrible distress made me just stop there right? Surely there was some small voice that said I had gone too far, right?
Pfft, no.
“And you know what the symptoms of exposure to this gas is? Well, first your eyes will start to water and then turn red. You’ll start feeling your skin burning or breaking up as redness and blisters become apparent. I hear the feeling is like being exposed to frostbite. A slight burning sensation in the mouth, throat, and nose, before it starts hammering you away like a jackhammer. Your chest will tighten and it will be very hard to breathe with all that air slowly seeping out of your lungs and being replaced with fluid. That, combined with the urge to vomit will be noticeable. And that’s only if you can ignore the irritable bowel syndrome that comes with it as your waste sprays out of your butt like a hose. Only after all these effects happen will you then die of asphyxiation and into a peaceful sleep after experiencing the worst pain you ever had in your miserable life,” I happily said as each symptom made his eyes widen in terror before he start shaking and screaming. Pleading for mercy.
I just sat there, watching him list off all the things he could give me if I let him live. He offered money, servants, houses, land, even his own wife to suck out all the love from and have as my own personal sex slave. I doubt I want a wife that marries a loser like him.
I simply held up my hooves to silence him. “Look… I don’t give a buck for what you’re offering, you meat-headed dung sack. I just want the names, that’s it. Because as you lay there strung up, feeling your forelegs about ready to rip out, you have two choices. Now, you can hold it in and slowly be dipped in a tub full of bleach where you will drown to death but at least look clean for your funeral. Or you can go ahead and piss in that chlorine and fill this room up with one of the most dangerous gases known in the world. This will make you suffer an embarrassing, long, painful death that’s going to be so horrible they’ll have to burn your corpse and deliver your ashes to your wife so she can kiss your rotten flank goodbye. If you don’t give me those names, you are going to die in either fashion, but I’ll at least be entertained and have the satisfaction of watching a bastard like you squirm until you're dead. Win-win scenarios all around, I’d say.”
“What about you?! You’ll die if the gas spreads as well! So will the rest in the castle! You can’t do this!” he pointed out, biting his lip so hard it was starting to draw blood.
“Well, the room is magically sealed shut at all exits so the gas won’t be getting out. As for me? I’m a changeling, we’re immune to poisons, toxins, gases, and whatnot. Another reason why we’re better then you,” I said with a smirk. “So yeah, I’ll just wait here listening to this music and waiting to see if you piss or not. And since you ponies and horses can pee for a long time I expect this room to be half filled with the gas by the time you're done.”
“Damn you! Augh!” the poor fool shouted as he continued to scream profanities at me while struggling against his bonds. Don’t know why, he’s only going to make it more painful.
I soon drowned him out as I closed my eyes and relaxed. Sooner or later he was going to spill a name.
***
Okay, forty five minutes later and he’s still holding. I admit. I am impressed. He was one third of a way to touching the bleach with his rear hooves, but I could see he was ready to crack. He had been crying for a good time, moaning and struggling to hold his bladder which had to be ready to burst like a weak dam.
He had balls, I would give him that. But it was time to end this. “You can’t last much longer you know? Just tell me the names and I’ll let you live. Hay, I’ll even escort you to a toilet.”
“I... can’t... please... you have to... this isn’t...” he was crying again, like a baby. Wa wa wa. “We... just wanted her to stop... she was going to ruin everything... in Faust’s name, please show mercy!”
“Mercy.” I repeated the word dispassionately. “I don’t recall there being mercy when you ordered the death of a young mare and her son. Nor do I recall mercy for so many heart broken friends and family who lost somepony who was important to them. Or how about the mercy for sparing a hero of the nation who you conspired to kill. And you want to claim your goddess’ name?” I asked with a harsh laugh before I got up and flew up towards him.
Staring him in the face, I crossed my forelegs and glared at him. “You know? There is a passage in your holy book, The Lexicanum of Harmony, that I happen to like.” I cleared my throat as I began to quote it, slowly driving my face towards his horrified one, my teeth shining as I smiled like I was his worst fears come to life. “The path of the truly harmonious ones are those who lead others not by tyranny nor selfishness but by the kindness and wisdom I have given to them. I bless those, be it pony or non, who takes it upon themselves to shelter my little ones in times of great trials where chaos rules. Let all who walk upon my path never stray from it in anger, hatred, or fear. All must be one and never seek to bring strife among themselves or else they will be lost from the path. For those who seek to cause harm or end the lives of my little ponies shall be forced to deal with such great anger and righteousness that all they will know is suffering. The fury of the heavens shall be upon them with such might, that no other god shall be powerful enough to save them. And they will know that I am Faust, goddess of the ponies, as I lay my justice upon them and smite them in the name of those whose blood they have spilled!”
I leaned forward and whispered in his ear. “You spilled innocent blood. I am the righteous wrath your goddess has delivered onto you. And nothing awaits you but the fury of her vengeance. Unless, that is, you tell me... the names.”
He gave a sob before bowing his head. “Sergeant Crossing of the Solar Division. Private Lightstep of the Solar Division. Staff Sergeant Moon Blade from the Lunar Division. Second Lieutenant Valiant Wind of the Solar Division. And Lieutenant Gallant Heart from the Solar Division.”
Got’em.
“I thank ye kindly, milord, have a nice swim,” I said with a smile as I used my magic to let loose the handle
I saw his expression turn to horror as he cried, “Wait, stop!” Too late. The lock came loose and he fell towards the tub. “Nooooooo!”
He splashed into the tub and began screaming, flailing his legs around in a panic as I slowly flew down and watched him, waiting for him to realize that he wasn’t dying. He slowly opened his eyes and calmed down. He looked down, smelled the “bleach” before slowly licking off the drops on his face. His eyes turned to realization as he muttered, “It’s... just water.”
I laughed a bit shouting to the unicorn guards hidden in the room, “Okay, boys! Show’s over. You can put it down now.”
The unicorns came out and erased the illusion magic on the tub of bleach, revealing it to be water. Even the smell of the bleach was gone. I really need to learn illusion magic. The realization that he had been tricked and was never in any real danger finally hit Lord Como like a train at full speed. “I... you... I just...”
“Thank you for telling me all those names. My work here is done. You enjoy whatever’s left of your failed and useless life, milord.”
He slowly sank into the water as he covered his eyes with his hooves, weeping softly but loud enough for me to hear it. I also could smell his urine finally being released into the tub which made him cry even harder. Ah, the sweet smell of piss, tears, and shame. My favorite smell.
I walked towards the door where I was surprised to see Evening Glory there looking... well surprised. “I can’t believe it,” she said, “Gallant Heart... the Gallant Heart. He’s always been loyal, his family has been in the royal guard since it was founded. Shining Armor picked him as one of his best stallions at his wedding! His brother is even in the academy! How could... this is...”
“Well, you never really know folks now do you?” I said nonchalantly as I made my way out the room and towards the exit. Evening Glory soon followed me. “So, now what? Your guys are going to go after them now?”
“Y-yes...” muttered Evening Glory, trying to regain her cool. I could make fun of her for it, but I’m gonna be the nice guy just this once. “That was... unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. I don’t think even Discord could have done something so horrible.”
“Flattery doesn’t work on me, but thank you.”
“Just, one question... Stag.” I paused in step and raised by eyebrow. “What made you do... that?”
I sighed. “Well, if you must know I’ve always been like this. I love hurting. Just something I like doing. Almost got me court martialed a few times when I was a Gatherer, but I was good at information and love gathering so I got a free pass. But then something happened...”
“What?” she asked.
“... a purge. A purge where lots of changelings died... most of them were children. Chrysalis ordered them all to be killed, saying they were a threat to the empire.” I spat at the ground. “They were only a threat to her rule...”
“... somepony important to you died during that, didn’t they?” Evening Glory pointed out.
I didn’t say anything. Not as images of the darkest day in my life flash before my eyes. Little Nectar in my arms, bleeding to death as she asked me to sing her favorite song when she said she wanted to go to sleep. Her mother, my sister, decapitated with her limbs cut off and hung on spears for all to see. Piles of corpses burned from adults to even newborns only months old.
And our good old former Queen smiling with approval as she saw the last of the threat to her power eliminated.
That was the last time I cried. That was the last time I felt anything that mattered to me anymore. That was the last time I gave a damn about morality. That was when I let the monster inside me eat away what was left of Stag the Changeling and left only Stag the Torturer.
“The Royal Family killed Chrysalis, maybe not intentionally but that blast lead to her death. I took this job because I owe them for that. That is all,” I said, trotting away. “I only hope I meet Chrysalis when Mesmoria has her reincarnated so I can make her suffer again and again for what she did.”
I left Evening Glory in the hall. My job was complete.
But I was not done. I will never be done.
A torturer never stops hurting.
Both others... and himself.
The Torturer lived the rest of his days in Vanhoover.
Sometimes he would disappear for days on end.
When asked where he went, he would reply to his neighbors:
“Out on business.”
That was an amazing chapter.
Well, it's a good thing that Stag has some morality. Sheesh, how psycho do you have to BE to wish to kill a child like that? These guys, even if some part of some of them ultimately meant well, are crazy! Nice bluff there Stag. You know, I can't really blame Stag for wanting to hurt evildoers after hearing that bit about his past. I get the feeling that that's the only reason he hasn't offed himself yet.
What does he mean by that?
CHRYSALIS WENT AND DID WHAT?!
Excellent chapter, my friend.
Amazing...
4741638
It's part of the world building I'm doing for the changelings for future chapters it will make sense about in future chapters. But to answer Mesmoria is the unigender god of changelings and they reincarnate after death
+5000 for the Ezekiel 25:17 reference!! :)
I would really enjoy reading more about Stag. He's a really interesting character.
Damn dude. Stag is freaking ruthless! Anyways, I would love to see Stag in future chapters. He's a really enjoyable character.
So... Many... Errors...
It's not even about editors at this point, just please, PLEASE read through it at least once before posting. I think there's more errors in this chapter than all the previous ones combined...
4741703
I read it twice what errors are you talking about?
So we've got a Pulp Fiction reference, I'm pretty sure the classic music during torture is a reference as well.
So Stag earned som respect from Evening Glory, and I'm happy to see even he has something that pisses him off. Amazing that you made me feel bad for a creature that loves to torture others.
As much as I'd love to see Stag back I'd prefer it to not be part of this story. I think everyone should get their moment in the spotlight and then be done with it.
yes i want to see more tortures and see what they do to the ponies with the names
Did this stallion in question have a Glasgow Smile?
4741704 Forelegs, not arms.
That was a very... righteous Pulp Fiction quote. I love that little part of the mind that's set aside to think up the worse things that can happen. Always fun to take advantage of
Missed the second "f" in "off".
"The",not "they".
You wrote "you are" twice.
I could be wrong, but I think you're missing a "so" in there. As in "That was so stupid I had to do a double take." And yes, double take is two words, or at least are joined by a hyphen between them.
I believe you mean "interrupt".
Past tense. Should be "used to create".
"Too".
Oh boy, this sentence needs work. "Your chest will tighten as it becomes harder to breath" would be better wording here. At the very least the "with" must be changed to "will" here. Also, "as it begins to fluid"? I think you mean "as it begins to fill with fluid."
"only if you can ignore"
"Eyes"
"have the satisfaction"
Ah, so here's where the missing "f" from before went! It should be "path of".
Again, "off", not "of"
"as she"
"go to sleep"
Damn dude. Not to sound rude, but you seriously need an editor of some kind.
4741784
Problem was both editors were busy
Oh I so loved this, and I see a nod to Samuel L. Jackson's part in Pulp Fiction. I wouldn't mind seeing more Stag in other fics.
4741784
fixed, thank you
4741759
Technically, arms/forearms is a correct term-
aqha.com.au/i/breedingAnatomy2b.jpg
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/85/Points_of_a_horse.jpg
Either:
Chrysalis'
or
Chrysalis's [I prefer this one since it's what I'm used to seeing, but either or is correct].
____________________
unintentionally
_____________________
hundreds of
____________________
the
__________________
Gatherer
___________
I'd like to see more Stag someday, he's that certain class of Anti-Villain that I find interesting. But I'm really looking forward to the arc that shows what happens with Pinkie Pie and Maud on the train, and the path it leads them on when they find out the who, what, when, and where of all of the ponies who were involved. All in all, nice segment.
Stag is cool. I'd like to see more of him.
Ah yes...The horrible criminal with a moral ground higher than those that claim to be "Upstanding heroes of the people".
One of my personal favorite types of characters. After all, almost everybody has a line. A line that, if you cross, you are going to face their wrath.
Such sweet, delicious irony.
First of all, i'll say that i enjoy your story, and that I am not trying to thrash it. I just noticed a lot more mistakes than i usually do. So please take this as constructive criticism.
Everyone -- Noone/nobody, as it is in a negative/subtractive context.
Missing word - Associated with
"gloating about how he"
I'm not sure if there's a missing word here, or if it's just awkwardly phrased.
I'm assuming that should have been "This one"
There's some scattered punctuation errors, but not more than what is usually acceptable. This one paragraph did stand out though:
Rather awkward phrasing, had to read it a few times to make sure i understood it right. This would benefit from some rephrasing and punctuation.
"intentionally or unintentionally"
"that is never to be crossed" would work better.
Wish that they were dead, Beg for death, or beg to be killed. You can only choose one
Apart from "filth" being misspelled, it's a little awkward as well; "to clean the filth that he is". This may just be me, but you could probably phrase it better.
You can say "hundreds", "nearly a hundred" or "nearly two hundred", but you can't say "nearly hundreds".
"to have been ( or lived, sounds more wholesome) in a time as bloodstained and chaotic as that." or just replace "as" with "like", through i personally think the other version sounds better.
aside from the bold section, I don't understand this part. He realizes that he is tied up, and then he realize that he is tied up against his will?
Repeated words, missing comma, "loaned" should be "lend".
Missing a word: "that was so stupid". You also don't need apostrophes around "what", and "Pupiless" should be with two l's: "pupil-less".
"Interrupt". Also, "make things generally irritating". There's nothing technically wrong with that, but, and i know you're getting tired of me saying this, it is kind of awkward. It is important that the words flow, so to speak, and it can be difficult to do since there are no direct guidelines for this. I'd recommend changing it, but it's up to you
You've mixed two different phrases again. "What's it to you", or "how is that any concern of yours (or similar)". You can't have both.
And "it" should probably be "you", unless you're going for this guy:
i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/1245196032/h5D91B736/
Also, it's redundant to say "contains chlorine in it". Either remove "in it", or switch "contains" out with "has".
Creates.
Again, redundant. Either "inching towards" or "descending towards" will do.
Did you mean "as they begin to fill with fluid"?
Missing word, "you".
Explosive diarrhea isn't a syndrome.
Missing word, "fall"/"slip" or something along those lines.
And "worst pain you ever had" just sounds odd, though, again, you could probably get away with it. You could make that "the worst pain of you miserable life" if you want.
"the"
Either "mercy for a hero of the nation", or " how about sparing a hero", though for the context you'll probably want the first one.
I skipped most of the really minor mistakes, like missed commas and slightly awkward phrasing, unless they were grouped together with something else. I hope you find this usefull
I don't normally say this for OC's, but I loved Stag, and would definitely like to read more of him in the future.
The quoting and paraphrasing of The Joker and Jules Winnfield was great, but I give you mad props and numerous s for referencing Bill "the Butcher" Cutting from Gangs of New York.
4742140
Fixed and thanks
Damn, i keep hitting the "like" button but nothing happens....WHY YOU NOT ME LIKE THIS MORE !?!?!?!?!?
4742240
I never do the whole "Perfect Equestria" thing that people seem to put in their stories. To me, all sentient beings hold the same things we humans have: hatred, greed, fear, and violence. To me a sentient pony is no different then a human being because both have free will.
Ok, enough with power gaming the shit out of changelings. It's becoming utterly obscene with the sheer number of abilities and advantages heaped upon them. Why not say they can go Super Saiyan 99 and blow up the universe with a bat of their eyelid?
4742105 I call BS on it.
This changeling had NO PROBLEM with his race attacking foals during the invasion.
What, did he conveniently forget Cantlerlot had foals living in it?
4742277
What else besides that did I make changelings so overpowered?
4742284
He has no love for his nation anymore. He likes being a changeling, but not the Changeling Empire
4742215
Well, you only fixed half of the ones i pointed out, but it's definitely an improvement.
4742244 take into consideration other factors though. humanity has always had a sense of competition against one another, and have evolved using violence as a means to an end.
the ponies are herbivores, have a strong sense of community as more ponies would mean more safety to herd animals, and have abilities that allow them to mold their environment.
i do agree that the ponie are probably prone to dark behavior regardless, likely even killing, but their perchance for violence would be far more subdued compared to us. competition would probably come after sapience is achieved rather than a driving force for it.
not to mention what their world is. it is a world where metaphors posses an essence to them. meanign committing too many acts like murder would probably cause something to stir, generate some form of energy. they would have instinct and even the possibility of attrocity manifesting in some form.
4742301
There were so many I must have skipped some by accident, sorry
4742277 i would be all for those immunities if there was a given reason.......... otherwise the changeling actually seem generally weaker. a group of untrained combatants managed to fight through them. though it should be said that three of them were exceptionally powreful ponies. still something that relies on disguise probably doe snot have much advantage otherwise.
only exception seems to be chrysalis............ also i think the whole killing off the foals Pharoah style is a lazy, lazy way to make her evil.
4742304
Yet at the same time such a life style can become easily twisted. I see the ponies as easily fearing, xenophobic, extreme traditionalist, slaves to fate, caste and raced based system, and too powerful for being the only nation that controls the sun and moon which pretty much means all races have to obey them or if something bad happens to both princesses the sun and moon go down and we lose our world.
To me, Equestria is a very dangerous place. I'm not saying it doesn't have it's good parts like you said, but it's no different then earth only with different problems.
4742289 Come on, changelings are immune to EVERYTHING? They could drink a gallon of nitric acid and be A-ok? They have no biochemistry that reacts to anything?
At the very least, he's lying about it.
It's the kind of ability a powergamer gives his characters, not something legit.
that was pretty epic! But I am not the most sane of people.
Yah thanks for another Torturer idea!
ah buck.
4742320
It was going to be mentioned in a planned future chapter, but their biology is different then ponies. Other things are poisons for them and one of those is sugar. It's like chocolate to dogs.
Sometimes the best way to fight a monster, is with another monster.
4742319 fate based- cutie marks are created from experience and when someone got another's cutie mark they had no idea what to do as it was not what they created. destiny is a metaphor and one of the few in mlp that has no essence.
xenophobic- while not constantly seen, they willingly and cordially interact and include other species, and even the gryphons who are carnivorous.
powerful nation- they are strong, without a doubt, but the regal sisters do not use theri connection to the sun and moon was a bargaining chip, it would be too dangerous. also there are other beings likely capable of moving the moon and sun, just that the regal sisters are talented in it.
caste and race based- totaly bullshit line dude, total bullshit. if you are caste as a builder it means you are talented and enjoy building things. if you are caste as an aristocrate, you have a mark showing you aiblity to control finance or lead. and both can appear from ponies whether from the farmland or canterlot.
so no they are not really like us..... and if you are talking about zecora when it comes to xenophobia, it was less her, she looks enough like a pony to be just odd, and more she lived in the forest like it was normal.
4742320 if its magical immunity it could work. especially if they do not have an digestive system......... other than that it is contrived. at the very least something should be vulnerable to it, even if it can';t kill them.
4742349
Well, it's how I see it. Besides, it's a kid show in the end and not "really" what I'm thinking or what anybody views in the various fandoms unless they go direct show accuracy. And with fanfiction you can modify the world as you see fit, if it work or not depends on the reader and their opinion.
4742348
This is true.
What is this "man" you speak of.
4741698
Agreed! In fact, if I may go out on a limb with an idea:
Stag returns under the employ of Pinkie and Maud, who need his services to track down the "investor ponies" that the Pie family sold their precious metals too. Again, he's just doing a job, so it sounds like he could care less who he works for, so long as he gets paid*.
*As for the price he might charge, that could go one of 100 ways, at the author's discretion, of course.
4742435
Thank you