For many, "Lesson Zero" was the episode where FiM metaphorically "grew the beard", since it established that Twilight's duty to send reports weekly ended.
However, the events could have taken a different direction entirely.
For the example, what if the Mane 5 did the sane thing at the wrong moment? What if Celestia wasn't so merciful towards Twilight? And to make things worse, Celestia got a sadistic sense of humor and an idea for an untraditional punishment?
How will Twilight act during her stay in one of her biggest fears and a total opposite of her usual orderly life?
Find out in this story!
Alright, for the first two chapters the story is for everyone. Starting with the third chapter, however, the rating is "Teem", because of some... Aristophanes-ish humor and some shards of fetish. You have been warned.
Credits: Corwin Freiss for editing
Autumn Breeze for co-Writing (post- Catonian Party Revolt.)
Cover art by TheMillenniumFalsehood
Not bad, Celestia's justification is understandable. Twilight did cause the whole town to descend into madness. But I think Celestia let her off the hook because she knew Twilight was still recovering from the mental tramua inflicted on her by Discord.
Still it's an o.k. start, the dialogue is kind of confusing to understand though so I think you should get an editor. All in all I'm not sure how to feel about this yet. It didn't really seem to have a lot of Comedy.
3378479
I know.
But they rejected it for "lack of tags", and, since I had in plan to shift it on something of funnier later on...
As for the quest ofan editor... doing that, just awaiting response.
I once had a similar idea...
If I recall correctly, the spell was called "Want It, Need It".
Also, there's no space before exclamation/question mark.
Should be:
The dialogue before the tag has to end with comma.
Should be "She said sadly"
I really think Spike should be more upset then happy about what's happening to Twilight Sparkle.
And why do I get the feeling that's exactly what's going to happen?
3378479 I agree, I'm pretty sure that, and not her admittedly pretty strong OCD, was the real reason Twilight went off the deep end that badly.
I also suspect Celestia's leniency was due to how much good Twilight has done in the past, as well as her obvious remorse.
3389317 And the fact that nopony got hurt. Still Celestia likely could've at least done more to set the record straight with Twilight after that incident, just to avoid a similar event.
3389110
Because I suck at foreshadowing.
3389548
Still, somepony COULD get hurt. Not a solid justification, I know.
3391256 Dare I ask how far Twilight Velvet plans to go with treating Twilight like a foal? Cause I don't quite think that's going to help Twilight overcome the stress about her situation.
3395785
I can' t say anything about it for avoid spoilers, but I think that the tags and the warning give a pretty good clue.
>For use them, I just hide in the bush
your foreign in showing , lol.....
>I will be punished like all the bad students, with the flunking.
this honestly makes me want ot read more , not less lol.....
"wilight bowed down to the ground, and started to sing her excuses like a litany"
uh what even is that?.....
>I think that a relitation punishment might be helpful..."
that sounds like something i would say lol , but still is very far off from proper english grammar.....
3378479 NO
never proofread any of this , it's to great on it's own to be tampered with!.....
>A male voice called from upstairs.
"Who is ?"
FUCKING ROFL lol.....
>Soon after that, Night Light catched fire.
good lord what? lol.....
>I AM A MARE ! A M-A-R-E ! Not an ignorant three years-old filly with difficulties in both control fo the bodily functions and the social relations !
oh god this is just fucking great XD
all englsih should be spoken like this lol.....
extreme material? well i guess that mental state shift was kind of extreme , but i think it just needed some more build up to be better/more well received.....
Well at the last I shouldn't have to worry too much about Twilight's mental state being further damaged. After all there's no dark tag.
3414357 Well Twilight's already going through a lot. And this whole thing, while forced onto her could give her a chance to learn to relax and not worry about life and deadlines so much. Perhaps a little loss of control will help her learn what Discord ultimately proves, chaos is a necessary evil in life. For without it life has no meaning.
3412785
3412851
3412921
It seems that having the Englsih Textbook on hand, and having the text checked in GrammarBase isn't enought. Problem is, all the official proofreaders rejected my request.
Anyway...
I think I've created accidentally a "Pattycakes" rip-off... is that a bad thing ?
3414296
Maybe she won't break down... however, I think that her dignity will be soon buried under a pile of foal supplies.
3414357
Meh. Wrote this basing on my childhood fears, so the fetish part (if there is one) it's accidental.
3415778 LOL yup that sounds just like our stupid human language for you , you can have a million source guides to what the fuck anything is supposed to mean but there will still be shit that's not even accurate in those because it's all meaningless banter.....
i might offer to be a proofreader instead , if i didn't want this story to stay written exactly the fantastic way it is XD .....
it can be a good thing , as long as you handle it better......
oh and what's this? childhood fears? do go on....
3416514
I've tried to take a course, and this is the result.
Also... after Iamli3, I have only one goal in mind...
Hmmmm... not bad, not bad. I wonder what Velvet will do with her daughter in this short time^^
3430057 Probably what she was planning to do all along. Treat Twilight like a foal.
3430057
Treat her liek a baby. Ah, and the time while Twilight is perfectly usable as foal may not be short.
3430084
Is this a promise?
3430151
I'm not certain.
Not to sound like a jerk, but it would help if you had a proofreader who was fluent in English...
3430405
Again, every proffreader refused to help me.
Well... it would be difficult to rewrite all of this. Essentially it would require a TOTAL re write and then they would be writing the story for you by not using your words... 3432567
Cette histoire et interessante. Surtout voir twilight en couche me fait bien rire.
Mais serais t'il possible d'utiliser des terme plus simple pour les ville ou mettre une carte car parfois j'ai du mal a suivre...
3434499
... Sorry ?
I've understood the core of the message, but I'd wish to know what you wrote there.
So, anyway, thanks.
3412851
Alright man, I can't tell if you are hating or what, but you have to realize this guy doesn't have english as a first language. The way he speaks translates a lot differently to english than you would think. If you aren't hating, good, but don't point things out like that if he has already said before that his grammar isn't the best.
Otherwise, I am loving the story! I love the dark-ish atmosphere given to the Canterlot neighborhood, making it very dreary. Keep up the good work!
3434643
>Alright man, I can't tell if you are hating or what
or what
>but you have to realize this guy doesn't have english as a first language.
galeri3.uludagsozluk.com/155/you-don-t-say_244417.png
>"W-why you are... wearing such a weir dress, Twilight ? It isn't something I saw usually wear
so velvet got the dress from nightlight eeeehh ;D ?......
>"Velvet, stop right now this sham
oh god lol.....
Ab governs the ablative. Your title should be "Ab Initio," not "Ab Initium."
Good, diapering is fine but forced useage on anyone certainly won't make them like you anymore. Glad to see Velvet's not going completly crazy with this. For now anyway.
I'm enjoying this story, it's quite well written
English was better. In this chapter I mean.
3469831
You will see that, if it's not her mother, the circumnstances will cause her some troubles with the bodily functions...
3469941
Thank you ! I was SO unsure if this was stiff !
3469768
Crap. Whatever, fixed.
3472286 Uh-oh.
3473066
Don't worry, it won't be painful or anything. Just a bit embarassing.
3473087 Well that's the last thing Twilight needs in this situation. I can only hope such a thing won't break her.
"One second, mom. I am halfway between sleep and wakefulness."
OH , MY , GOD , XD ....
....actually on second thought , that does sound a bit closer to something twilgiht might say , never mind lol.....
"it was already humiliating and depressing to be at home with a crazed old harpy"
by this i assume you're referring to twi's mom eh XD ?....
"That is, unless it was suddenly common to send adult ponies into Kindergarten classes."
haha if only....
stiff? what do you mean by that?....
3473891
Yes, I was referring to Twilight Velvet.
I mean... difficult to read as style.
3473928 "difficult to read as style."
nope , everything's perfect right there lol.....
Ho iniziato a leggere la storia convinto del fatto che l'introduzione mi ricordasse una che avevo già letto e poi me ne sono convinto dopo poche righe, te scrivi anche su EFP giusto?
I think I know what Lux is doing in the next chapter... (Ok, thats not so hard to guess)
Well I was concerned that something like that would break Twilight, but it looks like it didn't. Of course it's only the first time Twilight did it so who know's what her reaction will be if it happens again?
"and a ruined smock."
what is a smock?.....
also wtf ending the chapter in the middle of a diaper change? that's like literally the worst possible place to stop a story like this....
3517580 It's called a "Cliff Hanger" and the intent is to hook the reader and leave them wanting more. Lots of writers in fanfiction and real works will do it.
3516409
Sì, scrivo anche su EPF.
No, questa storia non è la stessa cosa, poichè è praticamentev riscritta secondo il mio desiderio originale.
3517803
Naturally, I pulled off a REALLY bad one in the latest chapter
.
3516504
I know that's a bit predictable.
3517803 except it's not a cliff hanger because it "hook the reader and leave them wanting more" it just interrupted the story.....
if you want to see cliff hangers , go look at bb's story , now that mother fucker knows how to leave you ona a cliff hanger , in fact his latest one is still on going for about 2 years now , presumably dead by now for sure leaving us all waiting/wanting.....
3517803 like i said , go look at b's story if you want to know how to cliff hang , so fucking good it's pure evil.....