- Member Since 28th Aug, 2013
- offline last seen 3 hours ago
MidnightLunaRunner
Brony, Pegasister, Writer, Mechanic, and Defender of the little ones.
MidnightLunaRunner
Joined 28th Aug, 2013 ·
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You had my curiosity, Now you have my attention ill keep my eye on this.
doesn't look half bad. we'll be watching
need more it is vary good
Seems good but desperately needs a proofreader, lots of grammar and spelling errors.
3425539 you applying for the position? lol jk
3435578 Lol well if you need someone and the position is open then I'd give it a go if you'd like? :)
If I was in this, I would have said that "Ha! The funny thing is that I could easily kill everything in this town if I wanted too, the only problem is Celestia and Ammo"
Glad to see this up dood. Great job by the way
Well I read through this a few times, walked away from it for a bit (had to scrape ice off the ol jalopy) and mulled over your first chapter a bit. I want to make sure that if I critique this fanfic that I'm doing it fairly, taking more than one view point into perspective, and that any points I make haven't already been touched on by someone else.
I had an earlier critique made, but after reading through it I worried that perhaps the points that I planned to make were nick-picky and possibly I was giving the fic a harder time than it deserved. I think the big grain of salt you should take when reading my critique is that usually I don't read fics that have an OC as the main character or 'human in equestria' style stories. Now I highly doubt Niko is a selfless insert like the main character to many, many other OC tales and such so I'm not going to mistake Niko as 'how you would react if you were placed in Equestria out of nowhere' cause that's a bit biased, and most likely not the angle you wish to portray.
The story starts well with the classic male silhouette walking amongst the city back alleys to reach his destination, and even does us the honor of kind of touching down on how our protagonist got into his situation to begin with. Problem with Niko is that he's kind of an 'everyman' or better yet a rugged 'competent man' now when I use those terms I mean it in the aspect that Niko walks onto the scene wearing a leather jacket, combat boots, and his first few words and thoughts center on how he is an outcast, but he kicks a lot of ass. Throughout the chapter he lights a cigarette, beats up punks who deserved it, tries to walk off a stabbing, plays guitar, and shares a drink with an attractive lady all the while not doing much besides being the victim of circumstance. Now those aren't really issues but after those first few paragraphs I can kind of grasp who this guy is as a character, and how the rest of the story might go regarding him.
As the story progresses we learn that Niko refuses to go to a hospital despite Bab's urging because apparently they don't treat non ponies which makes for an interesting factor but when we center on a character that is apparently always getting pushed into fights creates a dire situation that would make Niko either very cautious about getting into scuffles, or less of a nice guy when dealing with 'anyone'. Of course Niko is the main character so creating a miserable, loathed outcast that wants as little to do with others as possible because of the daily treatment he goes through makes for a challenging guy to write for, and a hard story to create so I understand that reasoning.
Babs was handled well enough especially the accent (accents kick my butt all the dang time so no worries) and it's nice that she isn't the definition of a damsel of distress per say, cause you go far enough to explain that she can handle herself and she even does during you action scene which I think you wrote well. Bab's devotion to a person who saved her life is good, and kinda places her as the character that will bring back Niko's optimism prospects, but that's a lot of concern from a character who just met Niko in a society that where the vast majority or more or less racist. You covered it well by explaining that Niko does have a small circle of friends, and that he's soft around women and kids though that unintentionally might foreshadow that most guy characters are going to be complete jerks (but this is the first chapter so heck I could be pretty darn wrong about that).
All and all I think you just went for too edgy, and grim of a scope for a character this meh, and selfless. His dialogue with Babs might have sparkled more if her concern for him came from the angle that instead of trying to walk it off our hero was more notably injured from the stabbing, if he passed out and woke up to find Babs carrying him along that would have established Babs more as a strong female, and an appreciative mare to someone who risked his life to help her. The other angle could have been that the dialogue between the two was rougher from the beginning, a guy who gets the short end of the stick from ponies would more likely be less than enthused to have a member of mentioned race dogging his steps while irking him about going to a hospital. Though you touch down on the theme of the story, and the likely obstacles that Niko will have to overcome to finally get his happy ending, the story so far lacks any conflict that wasn't fixed with 'it's clobbering time'. Niko while a cool character, and an overall nice guy despite his circumstances just comes off as a bit cliche, something I'm sure you can fix or may fix with future chapters.
Things that might help make the scene, or future scenes you may want to do is a bit more time spent on details from the characters to the environment. I thinking putting a few more details on the three offending stallion might have painted the scene a little better than just stating that they were 'stupid looking' and that apparently they were disgruntled with being bounced out of a club. If you go far enough to touch down on why they had been thrown out, and why taking it out on the bouncer was their go to plan the scene would have gone a little better besides giving Niko a reason to beat up some thugs and save a damsel.
I'm not going to pick at the few spelling mistakes, and grammar could dude my readers could tell you stories about my own atrocious butchering of the written word, and I'm sure you're working on that already.
Once again I'm sorry if the critique came off as harsh despite some revising, I'm not really the go to guy when it comes to the right way to write a story about a character that isn't already established to some degree in the fandom without a lot of time to mull over character traits and the level of propulsion through ones own story. I don't dislike the story, and I certainly wouldn't discredit your skills as a writer, seriously it's your first try and you did alright, and next chapter I'm sure you'll do better. I'd like to come back to this story when you next update or after a bit of time to see how your skills progress and how this story unfolds so don't take this as me not liking your story, but these are a few things that you might want to look over and possibly improve upon in the future Midnight.
Regardless of it all I'm happy to have received your message, and honored that you'd ask me to read your story, even if my critique might have been a bit long winded. Hopefully this critique won't cause you to hesitate to reach me again if you ever want my opinion, or advise on any future work you might do, and that the rest of this day finds you well Midnight.
Some reason I am wanting U.S. or Russian Submarine to surface near the docks when he is working. . . then he can show the ponies that they aren't pushovers and they have weapons far beyond theirs.
He should join Raul's gang
This story seems interesting. Will the next chapter come soon?
4378896 yes, work has been kicking my flank allot so im getting the next chap edited as fast as i can
I like it. Just don't rush the relationships it ruins the story if it feels like we blink and then he's in a herd or something. But from what I've seen this story holds a lot of promise.
4384890
Ok....wow the next chapter has taken a long time to write, I hope it's good.
5286771
im still alive i swear, between comp issues and working 60 hours a week. time to myself is a rarity. i promise that neither of my stories are dead, pleeeeeease be patient with me (hangs head low with a sigh)
5286790
Oh thank god. That is fantastic to hear. I like what you did there with rarity.
5286811
lol
(giggles) unintentional but quite clever if i do say so myself darling!
5286836
I just burst out laughing so hard I just fell on my butt. My neighbors are going to kill me.
Something different finally!
Now this is more like it, let's just keep it like this and not let him start loving Equestria alright? Especially when they haven't given him any logical reason to do so.
3667527
3435578
3425539 after reading through this story, I agree with both mekapix and GiantMako. The story does need a proofreader, or undead maybe just a little more time spent on checking. The story is interesting so far yet a couple of parts just got to me a little.
The ease at which Niko seems to shrug things off was a bit off putting. More wincing from the stab wound, maybe more recognition to it as he walked around and definitely more emotion should have been given to his best friend dying. It seemed more like he dropped a slice of toast and it landed butter side down than losing one of the closest people to him. It would be a wise move to maybe add more of yourself into these characters, for example: making the characters act like how you would do in the arising situations. You can still twist it a bit to allow for the steeliness of the protagonists to remain, just don't make them UBER ANIME BLEACH and all that stuff. Make them a little more down to earth basically.
That doesn't make this a bad story at all by the way. It just stops it from being better.
However, I did enjoy the relationship between the characters and I wish for a good ending for them both. As friends
. Completely, plutonical friends
. With benefits 
But yeah, I will read the next chapter and let you know my thoughts.
You should also remember that, just because someone puts down something negative in a review, it doesn't mean they disliked the story. I liked the story, I just want to see you improve. Therefore, I will give my honest opinion in the hopes that that works in your benefit.
Stay shiny
Again, I liked this chapter yet I needs checking. If you live with someone who can have a read over it or indeed a Brony friend then give it to them.
One other point, when Niko is in the shop and Gilda smells the blood on him (I liked her inclusion BTW as not enough stories have her in them, also the fact they have a keen sense of smell was a nice touch. Do gryphons have heightened senses all around? Something to think about) I felt it would have been better to have that section as a 'show, don't tell'. Maybe Niko just lifts his arm and Gilda examines the wound herself. It would stick to the tough guy routine but still show a level of submission.
This is all constructive feedback, however, do with it as you please. Can't wait for the next chapter.
btw, i love the story, but you spelled "always" wrong
Looks quite good.
4006235
Yep. Humanity number 1 people.