Celestia Prepares for Nightmare's Return
My sister, when she felt no love,
Brought down her wrath from up above.
I told her that they loved her night,
But she was determined to fight.
She kept her moon up in the sky,
And did not care that all might die.
I could not help her, 'twas too late.
Her heart was full of rage and hate.
To save the world from Nightmare's doom,
I sent my sister to the moon.
I saved the world. So what? Who cares?
Life's not the same without her there.
One thousand years, I've ruled alone.
And ev'ry night, when the moon shone,
I'd see her staring down at me,
Which always made me feel lonely.
But no longer, my wait is o'er.
Now comes the day I've waited for.
The time's at hoof, she'll soon be back
For her millennial attack.
Last time magic sent her away.
This time, friendship will make her stay.
'Twill not be I, who'll save the day.
This time, another is the way.
There's one pony I've watched since birth.
She'll be the one to save the Earth.
She's in Ponyville, preparing
For what she thinks tomorrow brings.
For she does not yet know her role,
And how it fits within the whole.
Her talent's great, her skill unmatched.
She will get Luna back on track.
She's practiced long and honed her skills.
But playtime's done. This time's for real.
She'll provide Princess Luna's cure.
She will not fail. Of that I'm sure.
Yet she cannot do this alone
Others will help bring Luna home.
For though she'll lead the night's events,
Working alone does not make sense.
Luna will see she need not fight.
She'll see these ponies love her night.
So pump the bass and spin your tracks.
We're in your hooves now, Vinyl Scratch.
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- TheKissoftheVoid · 2.7k words · 15 0 · 591 views
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Pffft, that ending.
3552775
And that would be exactly the reaction I was looking for. Not what you were expecting, was it?
Dat ending.
Also, no poem on Rainbow's pain?
You shall see to that, right?
3556025
Believe it or not, my affinity for Rainbowbuse (is that even a word? I'm using it now anyway) is entirely a product of, and is so far constrained to, that story of yours. That being said...We'll see what happens
Rainbow needs a poem about her anyway.
hmm... this poem's good, but it is lacking in flow in some places. As advice, when you write poetry like this, try to get the lines to have the same number of syllables as the one that came before them. It tends to put you in the right mindset, and really helps your flow.
3577661
Can you point me to a line that doesn't have the same number of syllables as every other line? It's true that I do sometimes ignore things like meter if I think it sounds good, but this one I did try to do entirely in iambic tetrameter. And unless I missed something several times or there's a word in there that we're pronouncing differently (either of which is possible, I suppose), I thought I had it.
3577774
The first line has eight syllables, while the second has seven.
{edit} I miss counted the syllibals, but it still feels awkward.
while this has the proper number of syllables, the word determined comes across as awkward, and breaks up the flow.
again, proper number, but i can't help but feel that "filled with" would work better here then "full of". it emphasizes a past tense, which is important because all of this happened 1000 years ago.
while cares, and there sound similar, they do not truly rhyme, and therefor break up the rhythm that you have.
"her moon has shone" would probably role off the tongue better here then "when the moon shone"
Due to the change I suggested above, "I" instead of "I'd" would work better here.
This one feels awkward. not really sure how to fix it, but the word that feels awkward is "longer".
probably go with "who saves the day" instead of "who'll save the day".
This one doesn't rhyme very well, and breaks the flow.
"but" would work better here then "for"
"unmatched" and "track" do not rhyme.
same problem here.
This line doesn't fit with the tone that you set with the rest of the poem, and therefor comes across as jarring .
Otherwise, I think it was great! just a few problems, that as a whole, break up the flow of the whole poem.
3577774
Going off this, then, you've got a few problem lines.
>But she was determined to fight.
This scans to me as "but SHE was deTERmined to FIGHT", or * / * * / * * /, or an iamb followed by two anapests (depending on your method of scansion
)
>And ev'ry night, when the moon shone,
Small tip: important words in the sentence usually end up getting the stress. Here, you're trying to place an unstressed on moon, when it's acting as the subject of the verb, and trying to place a stress on the, which is usually a throwaway unstressed -- an unimportant part of the sentence that tends to get skipped over. You can fit it into the ba-Dum-ba-Dum pattern of iambic, but it'll feel very unnatural.
A better line here might be something like "And ev'ry night, when moonlight shone," or similar.
>But no longer, my wait is o'er.
Duel problem, here: Longer is being forced into a trochee when it's naturally iambic -- LONGer, not longER -- and "no" would naturally be unstressed. You can elevate it to a stressed syllable, but given that it's right next to a stressed forced to be unstressed, you end up starting this line with an anapest.
>Last time magic sent her away.
You reversed the meter here on "magic": you switch from an iamb to a trochee.
>She's in Ponyville, preparing
Same as the example two lines up: it can fit the meter, but it's being forced into it. The first two can sort of work, but with the next two you reverse their natural pattern to suit the poem's.
In other words, poNYville is usually POnyVILLE & PREparING is usually prePARing.
I'm not sure how you could massage this line into behaving, since you need the rhyme with bring. I'd consider switching out preparing for something ending with -thing: most -ing words end with the -ing unstressed, so past tensing a verb won't really help.
>She'll provide Princess Luna's cure.
Provide gets reversed here (prefixes, like pro-, pre- & a-, tend to be unstressed). I'd swap it out with something else, but you could leave it as is. This one isn't vital / I am quibbling, here.
Similar problem to above with these:
>Yet she cannot do this alone
Cannot is reversed
>Others will help bring Luna home.
Others here
>Working alone does not make sense.
Working with this one
>Luna will see she need not fight.
And Luna here.
Apart from that, however, most of it is iambic. I'd say you're being held up more by your rhyme choice here -- real & skills is the what -- than by your meter. Nicely done
3578737 3603808
Thanks for the help and advice. I'll give both of you more detailed replies and probably go back and make some changes when I have more spare time. Which probably won't be until I'm done with finals.
3603808 also it's eight syllables, not ten.
Have you ever considered contributing to this?
6657221
By some weird coincidence, I actually happened to be reading through some of your recent blog posts about ejector seats and UAVs and whatnot while you posted this comment.
As for your question, I am the type of person who generally keeps the mature filter turned on, so I'm not really interested much in that type of poetry/story. I have read a few of the poems in that compilation though, and they are kind of amuzing, even if they're not really to me tastes. Thanks for the offer though.