The mare by the name of Ratchet Flash is self proclaimed biggest fan of Discord. Discord and the Princess' come to Ponyville. They drop off the draconequus by the name of Draco. Almost instantly to the two gain crushes her each other. But, what will Ratchet's Father do when he finds out?
Ratchet's sister gets in a horrible crash and ends up in the hospital at Canterlot. This causes Ratchet to go into a state of depression. And Discord, in need of some fun decides he should discord somepony... And that pony is Ratchet... What will Draco do?
Chapters (7)
I gotta say, I'm actually liking this story a lot, but there are a few errors with spelling, tense, and a few awkward scenes.
And since he's not gonna say it, I'll say it. The pacing is just a bit too fast for my taste. Maybe if you slowed down and took the time to explain actions further it would draw your readers in a bit more, such as maybe explaining some of the things they were talking about all afternoon.
Yeah, taking your time and making us actually feel for the ship is a great idea. Giving us a few touching scenes and drawing their relationship closer is a lot better that "Oh hey, s/he's hot, I like that person."
~Sylpheed and Eli
There were a few more errors like the last chapter, but a more pressing point arose as I was reading this
I saw a similar thing in the last chapter referring to Flash's wings as 'mechanical'. Do they have on like metal wings crafted by someone, because if so, that would be awesome.
I love how he pretty much threw in a mini version of Chandler's Law. In my opinion, it is the best law, even better than the law of Equivalent Exchange.
~Sylpheed and Eli
3277980 Thank you for you comment. I am in 8th grade and this is my first long story, so I do enjoy constructive criticism. I do see that the pacing is a bit to fast. Hopefully in the next Chapter, more things will be explained. We are just getting into the rising action. The reason why the pacing is to fast is because I wasn't really thinking and Ratchet really is in love with any thing that has "dracon" in it.
3278017 I said metal wings because if you look at my icon, her wings have a metal bar and then feathers coming off of the metal... So yes... I guess you could say they are crafted by somepony else.
3278071
Awesome! And hey, cool, I started writing in 8th grade too!
A.K.A. Two years ago.
And I just want to thank you for being a pre-reader on that garbage Eli.
I think you have a few copies of that shit lying around your room still.
Probably. But yeah, the mechanical wings are pretty cool, and I can't wait to see what else you have in store for this, and perhaps future stories as well.
And we wouldn't mind helping out with pre-reading if you'd like someone to.
~Sylpheed and Eli
3278141 I tend to not proof read my work, so yeah! I would love if one of you were to preread
3279064
Awesome! And when I do proofread, Eli usually comes in randomly and just sits down and begins editing with me, so most of the time you'll end up getting stuck with the two of us.
~Sylpheed
Oh, da precious babbus. I think this ship will become a thing in my Shipping Guide of Things to Ship.
Is that a thing?
Yes, yes it is, and so far, JohnLock is at the top of that list.
Corrections:
I pretty much only saw one thing wrong so far and that would be-
The rest of the story is written in past tense (our favorite tense because of how easy it flows) while this little number here is written in present, followed immediately by past tense again.
I only saw one more thing, but it's more of a personal objection to a small tidbit of extra information that might not be needed, but it's just me being nitpicky.
~Sylpheed and Eli
3283735 Whoops. I will have to fix that. And, Thanks for your comment.
3283784
It's no problem, it's our job to leave a comment everywhere we go.
He's sorta right. We made a bet that whoever doesn't leave a comment on a page we both visit, then the one who skipped out has to fork over $5, so it's sort of a job, execpt that it's a fun job because we get to ridicule each other.
Yes, we ridicule each other on the internet when we're right beside each other, because that makes perfect sense.
~Sylpheed and Eli
LOVE IT!!
OH SHIT, THINGS ARE HITTING THE FAN, TAKE COVER.
Oh, and just a few tips for writing up here, instead of putting all those dashes to signal a scene change, you can put in [ hr] to make a horizontal rule. Just take the space in between the h and the bracket though, we had to put that there so it would show up. Also, you can put in [ i] to make italics, but be sure to put [ /i] to stop the italics.j
Or you could just use the buttons up there that're meant for those options.
Hey, I was just throwing out the commands so any other authors could learn them. (p.s [ b] is bold, make sure to end it like italics but with a b instead of an i)
...
fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/279/e/2/derpy_facehoof_by_darth_biomech-d5gxpkp.png
And to insert a picture you put [ img] and [ /img] with the link to the picture in between them.
...
mlpchan.net/site/src/1363509145303.jpeg
3287252 I meant for all of that letter to be in i And thanks! I will have to do
next time
ahobrihtoiryuihoyta, I am having a mini feels attack.
This is how all of your major feels attacks start man, it's like an earthquake. There's the small tremors at first followed by the main tide, which is then bordered by more small tremors afterwards.
Nonetheless, I am having a feels attack and I can't handle death and sadness and ongoietahiohga
The fact that he's so good at writing tragedies and fourth-wall eliminating stories is what makes me question his feels attacks.
~Sylpheed and Eli
Okay, so now that I've calmed down a bit, I think we can do error check.
I think you left out an a in between the comma and greenish
I think you should have a comma between each group such as Rachet, her sisters, and her brother were- Eh, that may just be another preference thing *shrug*
You left out a tab here, just letting you know.
You have an extra space in betwee from and her, and I don't think big brother should be capitalized, seeming as how it's not an important position.
Same as with father.
~Sylpheed and Eli
And Eli noticed one last one after a last readthrough.
"hugging her dead"...kay, but to my knowledge, no one has died yet...WAIT, SHE'S GONNA DIE, RIGHT? ISN'T SHE!? SHE ISSSSSS (I know what you meant to put here but I felt like making a little joke)
~Sylpheed and Eli
I have one problem with this story, you used hashtag, rather than pound or number sign.
3313482 Oh well I uh... I don't see what is wrong with that...
Talk about a mind-numbing experience... No, no, no, laughing in the face of death is rude. If you laughed you should be ashamed.
IT'S NOT A HASHTAG IF IT IS NOT ON TWITTER! IT IS A POUND OR NUMBER SIGN!
3316728 HIS NAME IS HASHTAG NO NEED FOR CAPS BUDDY! HIS NAME IS HASHTAG NOT #!
3316780 You described his cutie mark as a blue hashtag.
3316804 yes because twitter is best
3316839 actually, real friends are best.
3316853 I don't even have a twitter. I just call it a hashtag because pound and number sign just sounds wrong.
3316901 what? Then call it a tic-tac-toe board.
3316959 That doesn't sound much better cx
Climax? What's that? Never heard of it.
>reads story
>aw shit