So what actually happened to the Changeling Queen after the Royal Wedding?
As it turns out, the love blast sent her through the fourth wall, and she spent a year flying through the internet.
Only to land in my head. Sounds great, right? A new, non-imaginary friend that goes anywhere and I can talk to any time about things?
Ha, I wish. Instead I get an insulting pervert who loves to talk back. She says she's making the most of her situation, but it's certainly not all that helpful to me.
I'm sure in for some "fun".
New art by Scarlet Songstress!
I love it so much 
Chapters (5)
So, let's see.
So, two pieces of advice, both concerning the second half of the chapter. (The first half seems pretty good to me)
Firstly, with the scene in which you are introducing yourself; either cut it (so that you start when you're booting up Tiny Tina) or expand on it greatly; as it is it's just sitting there awkwardly. I'd recommend using this bit to introduce yourself to the readers of this story; a nice little meta-thing. Even if your in-story introduction ends up being vague as your user page here on FIMFic, you can reveal stuff as you describe your thought process, trying to figure out how to phrase your introduction. Also, mention the name of the forum; even if it's made up, little details like that help the immersiveness.
Secondly, add more detail in general. Tiny Tina - what's the game look like? How are you feeling while you play the game? After Chrysalis ejects, describe the headache - is it pounding or subtle or somewhere in between? How badly does it affect you? Also, this comes down to personal preference, but stuff like
breaks the immersiveness for me, as it reminds me I am reading something rather than experiencing it.
Idek; I hope this helps.
Here we go!
For some reason, the use of the word 'things' doesn't sit right with me, twice in succession. But I can't really think of why, or even how to improve it...
May I suggest replacing the word 'place' with character? Still works either way, but character seems more fitting!
Ookay. The rest of the first bit seems quite good!
Now, your introduction doesn't sit right with me either. I think revealing your character as the chapter/s progress/es might be a good way to go. Talk about yourself slightly, and let it grow over the chapters.
Perhaps you could add a little more detail here; what the environment around you is like, etc? It doesn't help that I don't play Borderlands though.
Yup, that's it for me. First chapters' looking good!
3334519>>3345784 Thank you both for your assistance!
I've attempted to adjust the chapter as per your suggestions. I hope it looks better now. Tell me what you think of V1.2!
I had to take down their health and spam my 'e' key near their bodies. Doing so would pull out the spirit sword that gave them their immortality, and would allow me to finally get rid of them all.
Otherwise, it looks great!
Well, I gave this a read-through, and as before, it seems pretty good! I do have some things that I think could use a small bit of improvement, but I'm going to hold off on that until I have the time to explain it properly, as I have to go soon. I'll leave this tab open, though, so I remember to do that!
That in of itself surprised her; through the entire year-long journey, she had been incapable of sleep,
A different kind of dark than normal.
You forgot "I" in front.
seized up, my headache returning with a new intensity.
I looked around, even more confused. (OR) I looked around, suddenly much more confused.
and saw nothing but myself.
since I'd put a bit more force into it this time.
and I figure that, as a figment of my imagination, you'd know."
confused as to how a hallucination was attacking me, and actually causing real pain.
...and decided I was probably wrong; none of it was real, and I had just fallen asleep!
I am the second view, and the second like
NNNOOOOOO
chryssybug ez hurt :c
3385753 Heh, that's kind of funny
Thank you!
I'm watching this
3386637
Don't worry, she gets better. Ish 
3386645 Thanks mate!
Alternate title idea
Queen Chrysalis in: GRAND THEFT CRANIUM
3389074 That's a good one
So what do you think of the story?
A very good start! I didn't pick up any grammar errors, and it's a nice setup so far!
The one criticism I'd have is the length - normally, I like chapters in the fics I read to be 3,000+ words. Hopefully this will improve as the story progresses
3390002 Heh, thank you!
I'm trying to work on the lengths. I've part-written a different non-pony story, where I was able to achieve 10,000+ word chapters, but here I've found it better to cut short chapters for at least #1 and #2. I do want to add extra length for #3 and beyond, but we'll see. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Queen_Chrysalis.png I won't promise anything, just in case.
I dunno Hivey, you tell me! You're the bloke posting the chapters, aintcha?
Still not done, but I want you to have a look at my additions!
Are they okay?
Very interesting, make more I'll be waiting!
3407226 Well, you're in luck! Second chapter is here
3407919 Well, that was a nice thing to see when checking the e-mails! this was a nice chapter, I enjoyed it.
Also, the physical changing of his eye to avoid the whole am I insane drama was pretty neat.
(though you totally took it from the last few chapters of "A Dash of Humanity", XD)
Thank you for your time!(the time spent writing this)
wow epicness sort of like nightmare moon metting a humen
3407991 Heh, glad you think it's good.
Don't you love it when people come up with similar/the same ideas completely independently of each other? 
I'll be honest, I've actually never read that fic you mentioned
And thank you for reading it!
I hope you enjoy future chapters!
3408011 Hey, thanks!
That was a good line; it was nice bit of light comedy to add to the scene.
Great chapter; as others have mentioned the changing eye is a nice touch. I hope you play with this concept a bit; it's got potential.
3408268 Yeah, I'm not quite making good use of that comedy tag just yet, but I'm happy that I've gotten most of the set-up done so far. Hopefully I can actually make funny things happen soon. :shrug:
I just hope I can do them right.
I like that people think the eye change wasn't a bad idea. I wasn't sure whether or not to do it for a bit, then just went with it.
And yeah, I have a few ideas for this concept
Glad you guys all seem to like this so far
3408422
The advantage to comedy over say, tragedy, is that you can throw a lot of jokes at readers and as long as they laugh at some of them, you've succeeded (whereas in something like a tragedy you can only really try to make readers feel sad through a few methods). Just roll with whatever you find easiest to write and what you consider to be funny; personally I enjoy subverting and lampshading occurrences in my writing. If nothing else I find it fun to write.
Not bad! Not bad! I can't wait for the third chapter!
3413713 Thanks! It's being worked on, so hopefully I'll finish it soon
No promises because exams though
similar things often happen, but then pinkie got into my computer... i'm still trying to get her out... not even a sonic multi tool or digital smoke bombswork... my computer is haunted... what a week
She feared that the OR She had fears that the
Show, don't tell. Gimme dialogue!
Same as above
Needless addition
Celestia doesn't typically lay out all her cards like this. Also, that comma should be a semicolon.
Stilted and unnecessary.
Sorry.
I also wanted to say, I'll be heading overseas in a while for about three weeks, so I apologise that chapter four will also take some time to be finished... Hopefully not as much time as this one, I started writing it while waiting for editing and prereading to be over.
I'm slowly making bigger chapters, but I'll stop making them bigger once I hit about 3.5 to 4 k in length.
Anyway, hope you guys enjoy this one, especially since it's 2.7 k words this time!
Merry Christmas everyone!
Huh. She took that rather well... Merry Christmas!
I don't like the fact that "mum" now knows of the situation, other than that pretty decent chapter!
3679198 Heh, not as well as originally, but I found it hard to make it any more difficult for her than it currently is, so oh well.
And belated Merry Christmas back to you!
3682955 She would have found out somehow, but this way that part is done quickly and she can be better used for comedy purposes
And thanks!
I've enjoyed reading it, and keep up the good work.
5601755 Hey, thanks man! Appreciate hearing that
3386668 HOLY SHIT A YEAR? REALLY DUDE? A week wasn't enough? A day? With nothing to do, no sleep to get don't you think her mind would have snapped sometime? Also did that guy just kill her in a game? Last but not least... how the bloody hell you survive only on love and turn it into corporeal energy? Holy fuck we must study the changelings for sure.
5602182 Wow, calm down mate. She received love from bronies because, and no she wasn't in the game. As for the other stuff, she could sleep, and she had lots of stuff to read. Internet.
3413976 Okay Chryssie got real temper issues. Really Chryssie? You are in an unknown situation and the first thought you have is kill someone whos mind you might even depend upon?
Not cool... I doubt Chryssie would do that but then again I've had pictures of her in my mind doing far worse things to false lovers ((e.g. What Kratos did to Zeus in the end of God of War))
5602214 Given she's a bitch, and doesn't know that for sure at this point, I figure she'd try. Maybe she thinks she can take over the body.
3688865 This mom understands more than my mom would.
5602228 Mmm, more than many I would guess. More than mine sometimes.
5602201 Still solitude and all... wouldn't that hurt her mentally? I am just surprised and think it's an absurd amount of time.
5602220 By killing someone? I don't think Chrysalis is so rash to kill someone because if that was true Cadance would be dead.
5602234 More than mine definitely that is.
Also... if you wish to talk about changelings or in general either pm me or add me in skype I am dionysiosbbbb
5603741 Heh, thankfully it does. I'll try to keep it that way.
Hah this is some funny stuff you've got going here.
Just wanted to say I love this whole exchange near the end.