The stories of a Seraph (Human Pegasus) that you never see until now. Meet Mack Spinnerson, first name is different, but the last name tells who he is. Included he is insane, though one shy pony comes into his view, his life and it all changes. This is an adventure that will take you through the happenings that have happened in the time when Twilight came to Ponyville all through his eyes. The times of the Insane Seraph of Ponyville will take you through many turns, make you laugh (hopefully), and give you all an awkward image in your head. He is not your average Seraph..............
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READ THE CATEGORIES AT THE TOP!!!!!!!!!
Omagod so lazy can't finish story BLARG!!!!! I'm just goin to end this with story three before this becomes a complete train wreck or I forget about it completely.
Ok having technical difficulties with the laptop im using. Anywho 2nd story done and well all I have to say is that remember Mack is slightly scottish. ALSO heres the dialogue from the characters in the flashback story portion: "Mack" *Scootaloo* 'Applebloom'
MOOAR I NEED IT!
381989 ya gota wait ok good sir
love it so far pretty interesting
Well to be honest with you I'm not enjoying this. I'll detail my issues:
The characters:
I have problems with Mack, and I'll start with the biggest one; he's a Gary Stu. There's no getting around this. He failed http://www.ponylandpress.com/ms-test.html to an unfathomable degree. The guy just sort of barges in and solves all the problems (oh, except when he's "asleep" during big events).
He at one point claims to be from Scotland (Even though Equestria is not on Earth and there is no Scotland), which makes me suspect that this is a self-insert as well, especially considering your username is Makmix. Talking about that, you're not writing a Scottish accent very well. I thought he was from Wigan. So what you've done is make a 2D Gary Stu, and then shipped it with a mane cast character. I don't like him.
The writing:
The first chapter is off-putting. The very start made alarms ring. It was written like this. You used short terse sentences. Sentences need to flow. But by doing this you are putting up hurdles. These make the sentence stutter.
I could maybe put up with that. But then something unforgivable happened. The narrator (AKA you) began breaking the fourth wall in a very obnoxious way. Observe the following quotes:
>So they sent him to Junior Speedster Flight Camp (or what ever it is called)
>Once he stopped, his flank (or in this case his upper thigh) had his cutie mark.
>So, Mack had left his impression and well, you all know what happens. If you don’t, here it is in a nutshell.
>This is where we left off in the intro.
>So story tells itself for this part. If you don’t know what happened at the Gala, hear it is in a nutshell.
>Though, it was going to be a great day the day after he moved in. Why is that so? Good question, Dischord broke his seal and is free to roam.
>All nodded their heads and well, the rest is episode 1 & 2 of season 2. If you don't know, then here it is in a nutshell.
>So the story continues on.
Seriously man, cut that shit out!
Finally, the construction is terrible. Tenses all fucked up, grammar mangled, spelling fucked (It's Discord, by the way). If English isn't your first language and you've been relying on Google Translate a lot then I guess you're off the hook, but if your native language is English then you need to sort yourself out.
Finally, please write ponies as ponies. I was raging at how they were all wearing clothes until I realised that you'd written them to be angels for some reason. There's just no reason for doing that!
Sorry man. Don't want to be harsh but this isn't very good and you need to go learn the ways of the author-fu before starting, or else you'll end up with some My Immortal-style bollocks.
386379 ahem I do value your opinion but if I must interject, three of the genres says human and random and comedy so that is self explanatory also I must say that this is just a hobby....... If I were more serious, it would have better structure and minimal, if none, fourth wall breaking. Lastly this is my first fic so go a little easy on the mak. Honestly I'm thinking of a more serious story anyway so yea. I write how I want and you write how you write. Ok? Ok.
was a little short and rushed but i still loved the story
395275 yeaa but in all honesty, I just gave up on trying 5 storiest for my adventures of Mack and it may seem rushed but it isnt....... this had been in development for 1 month and 2 weeks......... but hell thanks, be expecting my worst idea with DJ PON-3 and Mack. *hint hint* it involves lots of raves............
395479 dose not sound bad at all since i can read anything and like it but well see then