Derpy's Rainboom

Source

Derpy Whooves is jealous of Rainbow Dash getting all the attention. She decides to perform a sonic rain boom of her own. She trains for months on end, and finally gets close. Word spreads to many pony's ears, including rainbow dash's.

Chapters (3)

Chapter 1 · 24th Sep 2013 · 1,026 words
1,026
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Capter 2 · 26th Sep 2013 · 489 words
489
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Chapter 3 · 29th Sep 2013 · 56 words
56
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Comments ( 31 )

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Pegasus-skip

Pegasus-skip #1 · Sep 24th, 2013 · · · Chapter 1 ·

not bad, looking forward to see where the story goes.

Derpyandfriends

Derpyandfriends #2 · Sep 26th, 2013 · · · Capter 2 ·

YAY!!! You made a story about ME!!!:

Emraldilian

Emraldilian #3 · Sep 26th, 2013 · 1 · · Capter 2 ·

A bit bland of a story, your first chapters don't leave the best impression.

One BIG thing you should fix is grammar errors in your short and long descriptions, this will stop a lot of people from even viewing your story. The troll face in the second chapter is irrelevant to the story and should be removed, it's a cliffhanger not a troll move there, so its appearance isn't justified.

Also, as I'm doing here, space out your paragraphs, your amount of space isn't confined like it would be in the pages of a book and that will make it easier to read.

Onto the story, it's... meh. I'd like to see conflict beyond what's been presented because it's looking quite straightforward so far. It's only beginning and under 2k words so I can't say too much.

As for your tags, it's not too funny beyond its concept, a story can be light and humorous but that doesn't make it a Comedy. The Random tag is when your events make little logical sense, sort of like things Discord might do, here things sort of make sense so far, albeit the characters seem off to me but everypony writes them in their own way . Adventure may yet happen, but know that it'll mean Derpy's quest will have to affect more than just a few ponies and possibly be saving lives. So far we've got a lighthearted Slice of Life going on.

I could be wrong about a few things but it seemed like you wanted some feedback and that's all I found in the moment, I do like to help and hope your writing improves I just hope I wasn't too long-winded here.

Saitasauce

Saitasauce #4 · Sep 26th, 2013 · · · Capter 2 ·

Awwww I was liking it :(

flame5768

flame5768 #5 · Sep 26th, 2013 · · · Capter 2 ·

3260291get a pic of derpy then you can talk like that

Bad Dragon

Bad Dragon #6 · Sep 27th, 2013 · · · Capter 2 ·

Just a quick note. In your synopsis you have a grammatical error:
"Word spreads to many pony's ears, including rainbow dash's."
Change that to:
"Word spreads to many ponies' ears, including Rainbow Dash's."

Spirit Shift

Spirit Shift #7 · Sep 30th, 2013 · · · Chapter 1 ·

wow its like the concept of pacing and transition doesn't exist for you well whatever that's never stopped me before

Spirit Shift

Spirit Shift #8 · Sep 30th, 2013 · · · Capter 2 ·

We are people

we are ponies you mean people implies human
also if you want advice remember that pacing and transition comment I made last chapter........

Mogss

Mogss #9 · Oct 5th, 2013 · · · Chapter 3 ·

Canceled?

Dead Lock

Dead Lock #10 · Oct 6th, 2013 · · · Chapter 3 ·

3303481
Ya, didn't know what to do next. You can continue it if you want.

Carl on Duty

Carl on Duty #11 · Oct 22nd, 2013 · · · Chapter 3 ·

I must continue this story. It must go on is it alright if I edit what you have written to my writing standards? I will take good care of this story. And I will give credit where credit is due.

Dead Lock

Dead Lock #12 · Oct 22nd, 2013 · · · Chapter 3 ·

3382480
Sure! Thanks for taking over. I'm not sure what do do with this.

Carl on Duty

Carl on Duty #13 · Oct 25th, 2013 · · · Chapter 3 ·

Is it alright if I read it, and then rewrite it with the same sort of things that are happening as I find it hard to even add stuff to my own work without rewriting it.

Dead Lock