CMC visit the glue factory

Bad_Seed_72

Bad_Seed_72 #1 · Sep 22nd, 2013 · · ·

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I lol'd.

Draconian Soul

Draconian Soul #2 · Sep 23rd, 2013 · 1 · ·

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she had heard all the sticky hooves jokes before, especially in high school

Oh I bet .

Anyways, as stories go, your story isn't engaging enough. You had a pretty easy premise to work with and make a comedy; I mean, you chose a glue factory... A GLUE FACTORY! That alone should turn some heads.

But instead of taking some interesting route, you turned towards the generic route of CMCs messing with the formula for glue and doing it in a very rushed story. Had something going for it, but it just didn't reach it's potential.

5/10. Not terrible, but could be better

the-pieman

the-pieman #3 · Sep 23rd, 2013 · · 1 ·

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3243886 I think he was going for that idea. It's a glue factory, and yet he took it in a completely different direction. Like, it's funny because you don't expect it to be completely harmless. Plus, if the goal was a story that's EXACTLY 1k words, how much CAN you do?

Draconian Soul

Draconian Soul #4 · Sep 23rd, 2013 · 2 · ·

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3243960
1. Don't set a goal that low.

2. If you do try for that, make sure the concept is good and isn't rushed

3. Make it funny and engaging.

Sadly, he didn't do any of the 3

the-pieman

the-pieman #5 · Sep 23rd, 2013 · · ·

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3244002 I think he doesn't care, though. according to his only blog post (submitted TODAY it seems) he's just using this as a place to share stories. I understand what you are saying, but apparently, he just wants to be left alone. Heck, with a name like Anonymous Anon, I think he'd rather be distanced from everyone. Or he (or maybe she) is a real-life Fluttershy.

Draconian Soul

Draconian Soul #6 · Sep 23rd, 2013 · 1 · ·

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3244018
Well if he doesn't care, then fine. I'm just stating, as a reader, why I didn't enjoy the story as much as I could have, and trying to give advice on how to make his next works better. If he takes it, then fine; if not, also fine.

Also, an antisocial personality saying to leave you alone doesn't really help the guy get his stories read by people; so in that case, he might as well have just written it and stared at it on his computer without posting

Zeg

Zeg #7 · Sep 23rd, 2013 · · ·

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I think opening with the ending kinda hurt this one. Being that this is a short comedy, you basically told us the punch line to the joke, then told us the joke that goes with it, and doing things in that order usually doesn't work well unless the 'joke' is more funny than the 'punch line'.

I know this is your first story here, but think about doing an edit pass in the future. Even reading back over your stuff just once and fixing what you happen to find would probably make this much more enjoyable, and being that it's a 1k word story it wouldn't take long either. Mistakes will interrupt your reader's train of thought and take them out of the story as they have to try and decipher what you were trying to tell them.

the-pieman

the-pieman #8 · Sep 23rd, 2013 · · ·

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3244031 Well, bring that up with him/her. Maybe he/she really DOES want to get better, but seeing as how he/she's been offline, and was so before you posted, he/she can't really do much to make it better, now can he/she?

Anonymous Anon

Anonymous Anon #9 · Sep 23rd, 2013 · · ·

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3244039 It has been fixed.

Zeg

Zeg #10 · Sep 23rd, 2013 · · ·

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3244263
Read it again, and I think that works much better. This way, the reader is left wondering what horrors the CMC are going to find as they wander off into the glue factory, but actually they just end up causing a huge mess and getting everyone stuck in it.

I like it.

Tripl3M

Tripl3M #11 · Sep 24th, 2013 · 1 · 1 ·

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OMG! This story is like sooo bad!
It's like not even funny!
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/37455453.jpg
And Ms Stickyhooves... Eww... What a perv!

Lightning Star90129