Alice Pony Sacrifice

"Who is the next ALICE?"

Based on the song titled "Alice Human Sacrifice", this fanfic is pure hobby and is not intending to violating any copyrights of Alice in Wonderland or Alice Human Sacrifice, so please enjoy this little short story.

A tiny dream, where it came from was unknown,
though it was small, it thought a very big thought.
"I will not disappear, I will be known.
But how, how will I show what I have wrought?"
The dream continued to think more and more.
Then finally the dream thought of a way.
“I'll make ponies lost when they enter my door!
They'll make their world, while with their minds, I play!”
There will be no escape from my wonderland,
once you enter there is no going back.
You will perish here in my terrible land,
against you, fate and all the odds stack.
No one shall be able to forget me...
What a grand dream I have turned out to be!

Will the little dream fulfil his non stop desire to exist and always be remembered by the pony race?

Chapters (2)

The Little Dream (Introduction) [UN-EDITED] · 28th Sep 2013 · 353 words
353
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First Alice - The Knight in Shinning Armor (UN-EDITED) · 28th Sep 2013 · 1,514 words
1,514
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SadisticRainbows

SadisticRainbows #1 · Aug 12th, 2015 · · · The Little Dream (Introduction) [UN-EDITED] ·

First off I want to say, I'm a big fan of Alice Human Sacrifice, so this immediately piqued my interest. I've only read the prologue, but I like it so far. Though, I saw a few mistakes.

“If I want to continue existing, I must made ponies come to me, and they will built my world as they want, so they can never escape, because If I can’t be their dream.”

Make not made.
Build not built.
Add a '...' to the end of the paragraph.

I also found that you tend to make run on sentences and just fill them up with commas. Hope I helped!

SadisticRainbows

SadisticRainbows #2 · Aug 12th, 2015 · · · First Alice - The Knight in Shinning Armor (UN-EDITED) ·

I'm back in the comment section! Keep in mind, when doing quotation marks you still have to put periods and such. Also, choose how you're writing this, you have past tense, present tense and even a little first person view. Once again I see many run on sentences like this one:

Answered Segumi, who was removing her armor to reveal her beautiful figure, she is 22 years old and the dream of every old bean in the country, her beautiful short haired color brown combined with the color of its emblem of bravery which was given by the Princess Celestia and Luna in person, her light red coat glowed in the moonlight near the window.

Also, remove the 'the' in between 'given by' and 'Princess Celestia'.

“OH, come on, one drink won't cause you any problem”

This needs a period, but a few sentences are like that so I'm not going to name them all, and typically ponies/people say problem plural. Also, I'm not sure if you meant to make the 'oh' in capital letters to emphasize it, but if you did using italics is better for that.

Segumi made Serlic move away at the push she gave him with her forearm.

Foreleg for ponies.

Serlic asked Segumi with his lungs to the up sky.

Up to the sky and what do you mean by lungs up to the sky?

“Why?” he asked her..

Not sure if the '..' was intentional.

She answered to his question while leaving a heading home.

You don't need the 'to' and the 'a' needs to be 'and'.

Segumi was daydreaming while trotting through the street of the beautiful city of Arenea, the street were illuminated by oil light poles who lit the streets in this beautiful full moon night, they were full of people some were talking, walking, smoking, you could hear the foals playing and laughing, Segumi looked up to the sky and saw a pair of stallion pegasi laughing and hugging near a building and she thought.

Run on sentence and it's either 'streets' or 'was' not were.

“Pegasi are always the best soldiers, it’s a matter of fact they are always the fastest and that is the most important thing in a war but not only that they can fly too!, sometimes I wish to be one of them,to fly through the skies and feel the softness of the nine but really so I can become a better warrior.”

Run on and you did '!,' is succession. You don't need the comma and the next letter should be capital.

She didn’t want to get home, she didn’t want to miss this beautiful night which gave us our beautiful princess Luna.

I'm pretty sure Luna provides the night, not the other way around.

she stood there to see the big moon prostrating directly above her and illuminate with white light, she was sitting on a fountain in the downtown seeing the moon right through the crystal reflection of the water inside it

Illuminated
Downtown not the downtown.

“Hello hello! Good night, dear Segumi, how is treating you this beautiful winter night my dear warrior of light?” Segumi turned her gaze from the water source to see an good looking stallion, he was taller than her, his mane a powerful orange with red and his coat was a degraded from white to pink the white starting in the head, his arms and legs the mexican pink, in his eyes a strong brown also he was wearing purple makeup, His clothing is completed by a long-sleeved purple shirt with floral confections, the neck and some great lines in the elbows color green completed the shirt, a hat color blue with glitter with a white strip in the base reaching his neck, the label on the hat reads "In this style 10/6", the hat also have a pair of many color feathers, he also was wearing a green hair league in the back left ankle.

His wording is messed up, degraded not a degraded, not the mexican pink, his clothing need not be capital, 'the hat also has a pair of multi-colored feathers' and the length of the sentence makes it hard to follow.

Oh.. but I think what is most striking about him is that he is an ALICORN! but Segumi didn’t care about that she was simply impressed by his super-feminine clothes.

Both of the 'but's need to be capitalized.

“I-i-if you are trying t-to find the g-gay club, is two blocks on the left and one to the north, I-it really easy to find”

'it is' and 'it's'.

while the Hatter said these words his shoulders and ears began to turn red in color he was flying around Segumi at 6 feets up the floor.

While should be capital, '6 feet above the floor' or '6 feet from the floor'.

RIGHT?!? He was sweating with anxiety of his words.

End quotation marks forgotten and 'from not 'of'.

The strange stallion shaked his head and said “Ok… Never mind that ok, a pleasure to finally met you Segumi” Said as he bow to our warrior.

Shook his head, bowed, and add a question mark after the second ok.

“W-Well this is awkward… but I’m the one that will guide you to your new home, so…. if you were so kind to follow me please”

Capitalize after '...' and would be not were so.

Segumi wanted and answer immediately, you could see it in her eyes.

An not and.

He was blushing and rubbing his neck again while fluttering a little "A-and I'm here to escort you to the country of Wonderland so... please grab my hoof" He put the hoof again in the face of Segumi.

Flustered a little, it would be his hoof, and the again would work best at the end of the sentence.

Segumi sigh

Sighed.

She touched his hoof and suddenly it came up a pink seal on the floor, with symbols that Segumi didn’t know what they meant, the symbol surrounded them with a light that began to blind Segumi.

Fix that, the beginning is confusing.

From Suddenly everything was white until the light began to fade and they were gone

No need for the from.

I hope I saved you some editing trouble.

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