You need to fix the italics

3286663 I can't see a problem when i'm viewing it son.

3287030 The problem to me is...You suddenly shift from a normal-style with a style of writing with italics, admittedly it's also a bit of a turn-off and basically if we'd go from your style...Everything they were saying would have been in 'the mind', including any gestures in a sense. Amongst that there's also the speed of how the fic is going, it's...Good and has -a lot- of potential. But, the speed barely gives anyone a chance to actually attach themselves sufficiently to a character, atleast that's how it is for me, could barely care as much as i've done before with other main characters which had a pace to have you grow attached to them.

All i'd recommend is that you take time to flesh things out whenever a scene comes along, usually makes things more interesting too.

Have a good day and good luck on your writing, hope to see more nonetheless and how you improve along the way. It's interesting to say the least.

3290613
I am in agreement with this comment.

You left the italics on, bro.

Holy Shit!!!! Thats some Chuck Norris tier shit right there!