Astartes is a young ninja on the run from his clan. After coming to terms with his current life, superhuman powers and all, he attempts to take it only to be ported to the land of Equestria. How will he cope with his new life surrounded by ponies?
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okay i like it different but nice
Kill the guards! KILL THEM! Show them the way of the mighty shinobi
No respect for personal privacy within his thoughts?
I'm out
Yeah...You should remove the mind reading. Or make it visible for him. Like the sisters horns will glow when they do that.
Okay, this has potential. However in just the first dialogue... Or was it a thought dialogue? Whatever it was, there is a gross grammatical error. I'll highlight it in bold here:
You don't need to add quotation marks at the end and beginning of each sentence of dialogue. Just at the start of a dialogue and at the end of it. Like this:
This a more proper grammatical form. Too many marks and you could end up confusing old folks like me, though I will watch this story simply because the idea and concept is being executed so well. Continue on and I'll see how you improve.
If he was raised as a killer where would he have developed his set of morals? Its a little early to critisize but its hard to believe someone who has been raised to kill would feel remorse like that.
And you lost me. Sorry, but I can't continue reading this after that horrendous first contact.
He admitted to killing, and stated he was remorseful for it. Normally, killers are also liars. They just accepted this at face value. Also, if he was raised to be a killer, then his morals would follow accordingly. You don't become Jewish by attending Catholic church.
Also, they're rulers of an entire country. They wouldn't just send in Twilight Sparkle to deal with a potential threat by herself.
Sorry, but this is something I can't read.
Ouch the beginning is something that needs fixing that first meeting that was just, yikes.
I won't need to repeat anything as nightmare below me said all there is that needed to be said.
I'll continue reading at a later date maybe it'll get better as I go along.
A ninja that just like that tells his name? I'm out...
4774688 Well I would considering my clan fuckin hates me and I had nowhere else to go.
3233019 of course the russian says that
3307425
That is kinda what they do anyway...
6056822 I thought that to, the kill the guards
Мораль американца на лицо. Мораль шиноби - это с радостью бежать на кунай за деревню или резать всех ради денег или удовольствия, он не будет плакать за это, он просто будет гордиться своими достижениями в этой сфере.
Шиноби не говорят миледи, шиноби родились в японской культуре, поэтому нужно ставить суффиксы к именам.
Зайдите в Википедию и почитайте про ниндзя. Нахрена вы вообще пишите про ниндзя, если вы не знаете о них, кроме их профессии убийцы?