Merry
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okay i like it different but nice
Kill the guards! KILL THEM! Show them the way of the mighty shinobi
No respect for personal privacy within his thoughts?
I'm out
Yeah...You should remove the mind reading. Or make it visible for him. Like the sisters horns will glow when they do that.
Super dickery super ninjas! AWESOME!
Keep up the bloody good work.
3233961 I'm trying fella. It's nice to see support for this!
I get the feeling that Dashie is gonna miss her cliche human tackle this time,Same goes for AJ's hammerspace summoned lasso
3234766 There is always next chapter.....muahahahaha! It should be up late tomorrow.
3234775 Is it bad that i want to call this guy Roid Ryu?
3234779 Actually, I should get around to creating a chance for him to show off shouldn't i? It's all thoughts into the bucket.
3234797
time to get his sword and slice apples in one slash (all perfect cut of course) and race dashie just some ideas to kick the bucket with
3234801 I was thinking a race was in order... :)
3234806
ponyville NNNNAAAASSSSSSSCCCCCAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR (JK)
3234811 I'll be sure to have the next chapter up tomorrow. Stay tuned my man. Astartes ain't stopping here!
I'm starting to like this guy more and more.
Awesome XD keep em coming man!
I don't mind him being in Ponyville.
But don't forget about Canterlot and the princesses. The amount of pranks you can pull with them is infinite.
There is only so much you can do with the normal ponies compared to all knowing goddesses.
If you portray them as that.
Super speed? Shunshin no jutsu
First, and good work faving
awesome you used the race and apple idea me guesta
3237147 I did and I enjoyed writing it. This chapter was longer than I anticipated. I'm not used to writing such long chapters.
I tried giving this a shot but i can honestly say without exxageration that this story in in the bottom quarter of storys i have read
3237836 It's not everyone's cup of tea. I'm sorry I can't keep you entertained. Hopefully something else on site can be more to your taste.
Okay, this has potential. However in just the first dialogue... Or was it a thought dialogue? Whatever it was, there is a gross grammatical error. I'll highlight it in bold here:
You don't need to add quotation marks at the end and beginning of each sentence of dialogue. Just at the start of a dialogue and at the end of it. Like this:
This a more proper grammatical form. Too many marks and you could end up confusing old folks like me, though I will watch this story simply because the idea and concept is being executed so well. Continue on and I'll see how you improve.
Damn you I wanted to say that line!
Oh well still this is awesome
3235070
Indeed fellow reader, indeed.
3238493 I think I got the hand of this in my later chapters. I can't remember mucking up like that any other time, But thank you pointing it out, I'll make the change
*sigh* I tried. I really tried even after that Chapter 2 fiasco, but I can't go on any longer. The mind reading, the super life span of the ponies, it really turned me off in this story. I'm out.
Though, I think I'll be keeping this in my read it later list, In case I plan to try to give this story a chance again.
Great job mate, it made me laugh so i count that as a good one :D
I laughed so hard reading this! that was amazing!
but this is for twilight...
she needs to clean up before going to bed...
3262417 I think that she had quite the panic sleep when Star walked in.
You need to fix the italics
3286663 I can't see a problem when i'm viewing it son.
*Reads this in full*
... really?
Well, I'm done. Time to check the home page.
*Goes to fimfiction home and scrolls*
*Sees this at top of recent updates*
*Clicks and sees new chapter*
...thepatriotperspective.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/tactical_facepalm.jpg
Not that that's a bad thing, of course. I love this story!
If he was raised as a killer where would he have developed his set of morals? Its a little early to critisize but its hard to believe someone who has been raised to kill would feel remorse like that.
3290142 He was groomed from a young age. It's not that he enjoys it. Think more 'You do this or this happens'. He carries out his orders dutifully...until children are brought into the fray, because I can't bring myself to write about children dying.
3287030 The problem to me is...You suddenly shift from a normal-style with a style of writing with italics, admittedly it's also a bit of a turn-off and basically if we'd go from your style...Everything they were saying would have been in 'the mind', including any gestures in a sense. Amongst that there's also the speed of how the fic is going, it's...Good and has -a lot- of potential. But, the speed barely gives anyone a chance to actually attach themselves sufficiently to a character, atleast that's how it is for me, could barely care as much as i've done before with other main characters which had a pace to have you grow attached to them.
All i'd recommend is that you take time to flesh things out whenever a scene comes along, usually makes things more interesting too.
Have a good day and good luck on your writing, hope to see more nonetheless and how you improve along the way. It's interesting to say the least.
3290613
I am in agreement with this comment.
Awesome, I love harem fics!
3291926
agreed
Sorry but it's a pet peeve of mine when people think Ninja and Shinobi are the same thing when they're not.
A Ninja is a master assassins who has mastered the art of ninjutsu and anyone can become one.
The Shinobi were people who lived in hidden villages through out ancient Japan. According to legend each Shinobi had his or her own special power and they were hired by a Shogun when ever they had use for said power, usually an assassination.
the main differences between the two are: 1. One Shinobi who has masted their power is equal to 100 Ninja.
2. A Ninja kills, you they find the body. A Shinobi kills you, you never existed.
Nice story!
I can see improvement since the first few chapters and have great hopes for the future of this fic.
no pressure...
And you lost me. Sorry, but I can't continue reading this after that horrendous first contact.
He admitted to killing, and stated he was remorseful for it. Normally, killers are also liars. They just accepted this at face value. Also, if he was raised to be a killer, then his morals would follow accordingly. You don't become Jewish by attending Catholic church.
Also, they're rulers of an entire country. They wouldn't just send in Twilight Sparkle to deal with a potential threat by herself.
Sorry, but this is something I can't read.
celestia is the biggest cock tease, ever.
3337914 I really want to make it so. But Star has to get through his latest predicament first...
Make him get hit by every single pallet and then walk away by his own will.
I'm sure they will be perplexed about how he can resist that amount of 'lust' and just denie them on the spot. Trollers be trolled!
reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/oh-my-takei.gif
such horrible torture ;)