The Chapter
Twilight was relaxing on a cloud watching the sun set, her cloudwalker spell keeping her from falling through. Nyx, her alicorn daughter, was in the middle of her first flying lesson with Rainbow dash. Twilight had begged Rainbow to teach her, she trusted no one else with her precious filly. Nyx however, had to wait three weeks; she took this time to practice getting off the ground, reading everything she could get her hooves on about the subject.
“Nyx” Twilight called from her perch. The black filly tried to turn sharply, but needed Rainbow’s help to keep her from going off course.“Yes mom” Nyx said landing on a nearby cloud. “It’s time to go home. You need your nap.” “Mooom” Nyx pouted, her serpent eyes glaring at the lavender unicorn “I’m not a baby anymore.” “Yes, I know that honey” Twilight wrapped a hoof around her daughter, bringing her close. “But you’ve been driving Rainbow nuts for the past hour and a half.”
“Come on Twi, you know I don’t mind the pipsqueak.” Rainbow said after doing a victory loop. “For a bookworm she’s been able to keep up with me… not in speed though” she gave Nyx a wry smile “Not yet that is.” She flew up to Nyx, putting a hoof around her black head “I gotta feeling that if we keep this training up, she’ll be the third best flyer in Equestria.” Twilight glared “Yes Rainbow, while I thank you for your compliment, I need to get Nyx home.”
“Oh come on mom. I’m having fun” Nyx huffed “You said that I can stay out till ten, and I’m with you!” “Let me handle this squirt” Rainbow said pushing past Nyx “Twilight. We agreed on two hour lessons once a week. Squirt here is still ready for more, and if I’m up to teaching, why can’t I?”
Twilight looked down, seeming to be deep in thought. Nyx took this opportunity to get back into the sky. “Yeah mom, the least you can do is give me the other half an hour” “Okay” Twilight said, admitting defeat “I guess I am being a little overprotective”
“That’s the spirit Twi, come on Nyx, I have something special in mind for your next lesson.”
“Yay!” Nyx cheered.
“But.”
“Oh now what Twi!?” Dash said
“You have to finish your math homework when you get home. I don’t want to see another C on your report card”
Nyx beamed “Okay mom, thanks” and with that the duo left.
Celestia’s sun dropped lower in the sky. Twilight watched, regretting choosing dusk for Nyx’s first lesson.“Remember Nyx, keep your speed up, and use the wind to change your angle in the sky” Rainbow yelled, her flying expertise showing.Nyx flapped her wings, gaining speed and momentum. She went from cloud to could, building her confidence before she did her first trick.Twilight’s horn lit and created a safety net, just in case Nyx failed.
Rainbow watched Nyx pick up a surprising amount of speed. Her narrow eyes brimmed with concentration and Rainbow knew that Nyx was planning something more than a basic loop. “Go Nyx, do it now” Dash yelled
With a flap of her wing, Nyx turned on a dime, going from perfectly horizontal to vertical in one movement. The wind flew through her purple mane, giving her her first adrenaline rush. She flapped her left wing, using the extra force to throw her into a controlled spiral.Both Dash and Twilight stared in awe of the young filly. Twilight actually dropped her spell, leaving Nyx without a layer of protection. One that she needed.
“Awesome Nyx!” Rainbow cheered.
Nyx smiled, happily. She however didn’t see the cloud coming and hit it full force. She went right through, but it threw her concentration off, stalling her out and sending her plummeting.
“NYX!!!” Twilight screamed. Once more her horn lit, but she was panicked and missed her daughter.
“Aww” Dash complained “You were so close” the expert flyer went to the rescue.
Nyx screamed, she never read anything on recovery, she didn’t think she would need to, boy was she wrong.
Dash got under Nyx in the blink of an eye, but she forgot Nyx’s wings were unfurled.
There was a wretched crack, followed by a scream of pain. Nyx’s fall wasn’t the only thing Rainbow broke.
“NYX!!!” Twilight screamed again. With a mixture of panic and terror, she lit her horn teleporting down to the ground.
Nyx had actually fallen off of Rainbow’s back and had to be grabbed by her front hooves.
The sun was just below the horizon when Nyx touched down. Twilight was at her daughter’s side almost instantly, frightened at her state.
Tears streamed from the filly’s face as her wing bled profusely from the hole her bone created by the joint.
“Nyx, where does it hurt?” Twilight asked, instantly feeling stupid for asking.
Rainbow had already left to fetch nurse Redheart.
Twilight lit her horn again, using her limited knowledge on medical magic to try and ease her daughter’s pain. She immediately stopped when Nyx screamed louder. She corrected herself and instead of trying to move the bone back in place, she applied magical pressure, stemming the flow of blood.
Nyx hadn’t felt this kind of pain as a filly and the only thing that came out of her mouth was screams and cries.
After an agonizing wait, Rainbow came back carrying nurse Redheart on her back.
“Nyx is hurt, please, help her” Twilight said, her daughter’s cries becoming weaker.
“Oh thank Celestia!” the white mare said, “When Rainbow Dash told me what happened, I thought she was going to bleed to death.” Redheart lit her own horn and put Nyx to sleep, putting an end to her pain for the time being.
“Is she going to be okay Nurse?” Twilight said feeling helpless. “Yes, if you hadn’t applied pressure when you did...” Redheart stopped herself, she almost forgot that Nyx was Twilight’s daughter. “She will be perfectly fine miss Sparkle.”
Twilight held onto Rainbow Dash, crying while Nurse Redheart wrapped Nyx’s wing in magic enhanced bandages. “You said she’d be safe” she screamed “You said there was nothing to worry about.”
“Relax Twilight, I didn’t know she was going to spiral and hit that cloud. I did all that I could do.”
“No! You said nothing would happen to her. She’s been through enough!” Twilight started to hit Dash. “Please, don’t fight. This is common amongst pegasi.” Redheart said “Dash went through something like this a while back. Albeit, not as bloody.”
“Where is she!?” Twilight forgot all about Dash’s promise to keep Nyx safe
“She’s right here, sound asleep” Redheart levitated Nyx over to Twilight who gasped, once more feeling stupid for not noticing the giant white bandage.
“My baby.”
Twilight grabbed Nyx out of nurse Redheart’s spell. It was like all was left was her bandaged wing, the filly fit so well in the darkness.
“She isn’t in any pain right now, she’s just sleeping.”
“Can I take her home?” Twilight sniffed.
“No, I want to do a few tests to make sure this won’t affect her growth. I can let you hold her while we go to the hospital”
Twilight sniffed and nuzzled her daughter on her forehead.
“Okay.”
Nyx was wrapped in white blankets, her wing stretched over some kind of machine. A faint blue light scanning the damaged appendage
“What are you doing to her!?” Twilight asked. Rainbow had gone to tell Cheerlie that Nyx won’t be at school tomorrow.
“This is just an x-ray machine. It tells me if there are any fractures in bones.”
“Is it painful?”
“No, and even if it were, Nyx couldn’t feel it, being asleep and all.” Redheart looked at the screen, Nyx’s wing coming into view
“Well, I have good news and bad news.”
“What!?” Twilight shouted, scared to death.
“The good news is that Nyx is going to be alright”
Twilight breathed a sigh of relief “That’s good.” She moved to Nyx’s bedside and placed a hoof on her sleeping daughter’s head, brushing a few stray strands of purple hair. “What about the bad news?” “The bad news is that Nyx has broken her wing at the joint, this means that it’ll take a year of more before she can fly again.” “Oh, she’s going to be grounded for more than a year. I don’t want her up in the sky where she can get hurt anymore.”
Nurse Redheart just nodded “Well, you are her mother, I don’t want to get in the middle.” The look Twilight gave her told her that she was making the right choice.
Twilight watched her daughter sleep, thinking of ways to greet her when she woke. Finally she decided to get a glass of water.
With a groan, Nyx began to wake from her slumber. “Relax sweetie, you’re going to be fine” a familiar voice said. Nyx got a strange sense of déjà vo. This only continued when she felt a straw poke her lips “Mom” Nyx said, her voice seeming to be farther away than she remembered. The straw forced its way into her mouth and Nyx took a sip of the water Twilight brought
“It’s just like at the castle isn’t it Nyx” Twilight said
“Yes, does this mean I am in trouble?” again, her voice seemed distant. The straw moved away. “Yes, but you’ve dealt with so much that I am still thinking of a punishment”
Nyx sniffed “I’m sorry mom, please don’t hate me”
“Hey” Twilight said, nuzzling Nyx’s head “I told you that I will never hate you. You’re my baby and I will always love you.”
Nyx felt hazy, “Okay mom, but I never thought I would spin out, I’m sorry for making you worry.”
“Don’t worry about that, I’ll just make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
“How?”
“By making sure you don’t ever leave the ground.”
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- epreeses1 · 1.7k words · 18 2 · 956 views
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3141884 This isn't all that dark. If you want to see dark as f@#$, you should check out fLuTtEr. Be forewarned, it contains massive amounts of dark material, as well as some sexual material. However, it is a very good story. It even has a sequel (called CoRoNa), which is currently in hiatus, but is very good as well.
....Well then...
You should get an editor to look over some of your sentence structures.
Should be:
"Nyx," Twilight called from her perch.
The black filly tried to turn sharply, but needed Rainbow’s help to keep her from going off course.“Yes mom,” Nyx said landing on a nearby cloud.
“It’s time to go home. You need your nap.”
“Mooom,” Nyx pouted, her serpent eyes glaring at the lavender unicorn, “I’m not a baby anymore.”
“Yes, I know that honey,” Twilight wrapped a hoof around her daughter, bringing her close, “but you’ve been driving Rainbow nuts for the past hour and a half.”
I hope you find that helpful.
(gave ya a thumbs-up, btw)
This was really good. Kinda want to see how nyx deals with Twilight refusing to let her fly again though. Can I ask for more please?
*facepalm* Twiliiiight.... that doesn't help....
3142157 I know, just had to rush it this time, been going to Niagara Falls the past few days and I"m trying to get it all in. Writing was the least of my worries. Thanks for the help though!
3142267 Just thought that it would end with something like this
to lighten the mood, guess that didn't work. Don't think I will continue this, sorry
, got more story ideas to write.
3142277 *Facehoof
Uhh........
What to say, what to say.....
Okay.
It was good. Maaaaaaybe a little bit rushed? No.... it was very rushed....
A few grammatic errors that even I can point out... (coming from the worst speller ever)
Otherwise its good.
Was looking for something sweet and came up with this....
Ugh... I'm and egghead
Let's say...
8/10
Think we can all understand trying to write ideas down as fast as possible when in the moment of inspiration or brainstorming. So if the writing is rushed, no biggie, however posting in a rush? Just don't, work on it and polish once you've got your ideas down before just spewing it out as a story.
You have a legit good idea, exploring one of Nyx's upcoming moments of life; learning to fly. Even Twilight's reaction works well as she does tend to overreact and take extreme precautions, but I think this is a bit more on a semi-humorous result rather than a dark one - for it to be 'dark' it should delve a bit into whether that comment is being serious or a motherly jab, a reaction from Nyx, or even Twilight outright making the injury worse, anything really rather than just an end note Your writing is generally fine, but as noted in an earlier post, your sentence and paragraph structure could use some work.
Trying not to be mean, but Pen Stroke's work sets the bar quite high, it would do you well to rework this a bit or potentially get crushed by Nyx fans that expect more from a story featuring her.
given how this story seems to be mostly about a character's life, I think the best tag would be "Slice Of Life"
3142474
What. D: So you're just going to leave it at .... Twilight prevents Nyx from ever flying again?
...
That. Sucks. D: As someone whom has been the victim of overprotective parenting and came out of it a ball of nerves? That. Sucks. Dude. D:
3143930
3147762 >:C No cake for
ever again.
3150770
3152068 Nope. Not even a crumb. :|
3154130
3154942 *peers at author* Nyx gets to fly again.
resumes getting cake :3
Typical.
3162893 What do you mean by that?
3163038
I cannot count how many times I've heard that. At least, something like that. Obviously not THAT.
Oh... sorry
3143930 Who, not whom.
3423566 Sieg Heil, Mein Fuhrer. :|
3435922 I'm actually a 8it surprised to see someone write as if the o8ject were the su8ject, when most people confuse them in the opposite direction.
3436452 There's probably good reasons for that. I've been the recipient of some violent actions in the past, including a number of blows to the head. Since one particular incident, my memory has been ... well, let's call it error-prone. Across the board. Short Term, Long Term, doesn't seem to matter. In some cases I'll outright forget things I really should not be forgetting.
Yesterday, for example, it took me about 5 minutes to recall my middle name.
3436649 At least you didn't lose your legs to any of those (unless you did) like I caused someone to. ((Not IRL)) Shut up, you.
3441461 :| Mine was IRL. Fortunately, I still have all my 'OEM' limbs. ;P
3436649
WAIT REALLY?
i cant imadgen forgetting my own NAME!
3726579 ...As I said, my middle name. Still, it was a frustrating moment.
3729127
moment cause you forgot
after you remembered it must have been a
3729133 Eeyup.
uh oh, Twilights in mama bear mode. I don't see this ending well for Dash, unreasonable or not.
when you have dialog and the speaker changes, you need to make a new paragraph. when you change subjects, you need to make new paragraphs. otherwise, I thought this was fairly interesting.
Nyx is going to have to learn to fly at one point or another.
WOW! You should wright more Nyx stories! This was a wonderful!
A good idea, though the spacing in the dialogue is really off. Different characters speaking in the same paragraph.
Aww
Oh twilight
You cant keep anycreature with wings off the ground!