Shattered Dreams and Broken Hearts

by Princess Twilicorndog

Progress... Or Setbacks?

Pinkie was staring out of Twilight's library window, in the guest bed. It was almost midnight, the moon nearly overhead, full. She needed to stay with a friend, so Twilight had informed the Cakes that she would be staying with her. Pinkie sighed, and was about to turn over to try and get some sleep, if not when it was exactly midnight, the moon flashed.

Half-asleep already, she thought Oh... Wow, the moon is pretty flashing... Closing her eyes for a second, she then gave a start and spoke her thoughts aloud. "Wait- the moon flashing?? I'd better check this out! It must be the ponynapper!" The earth pony jumped out of bed and raced out of the library, slamming the door shut behind her.

"P-Pinkie? Where are you going... W-Wait..." Twilight began, but was promptly hit on the head with a pan, knocked unconscious. "Hehehehe... Nopony is spoiling my master plan... NOPONY! Hehehe..." After this, the pony-shaped thing the voice belonged to melted into the shadows.

"Yes, you are my biggest threat Pinkamena. Fall right into my little trap... Hehehehe..."

Pinkie saw a path revealed with each flash of the moon. Weird... Maybe I should follow it! This was decided for her when there was a scream heard very far down the path...

Dashie's scream.

The pink mare, any former sleepiness shaken off, galloped along that path with speeds that could have preformed a sonic Rainboom. Or Pinkboom. She thought, almost giggling, if not for the task she faced. Faster and faster she went, eventually entering the Everfree once again. Soon, far to soon she was in miles deep. She skidded to a halt when she came to a humongous oak tree. Bound to it was Dashie...

Who's hopeful face split into a venom-spitting scowl as soon as she saw Pinkie.

If it was even possible, the earth pony's mane became even flatter and her coat color became even darker.

"D-D-D-D-Dashie? Is it r-really you?"

"Why the buck would you care, you whore. Yeah, that's right. I know you hate me. Just bucking leave. I'd rather die then have you free me." This was said as calmly as possible, yet all the while with the force of emotion pressing on each word.

Pinkie outright started sobbing right then and there. "D-D-D-D-Dashie... H-How could you think such a thing? I could never hate you... I... I... I... LOVE YOU! OK?? I SAID IT! I SAID WHAT WE'VE BEEN AFRAID TO SAY... EVER SINCE... EVER-" Before Pinkie could finish this, a sorrowful face came over the pegasus and she almost cried there, also.

"Pinkie... I... Could... Hug?" Dash stammered. Pinkie almost smiled, but remembered her promise to Applejack. The recently-poofy-maned pony raced to her Dashie to give her a huge hug...

To fall through the hologram and into the tree.

Twisting and screaming, her mane flat again, Pinkie fell through the seemly-bottomless pit in the tree.... If it even was a tree. Then, suddenly, she remembered her connection with Twilight.

TWILIGHT! TWILIGHT WAKE UP! HELP ME! FALLING! HELP! DEATH! OH CELESTIA PLEASE! But... Twilight didn't answer. With her only hopes dashed, Pinkie just curled up into a little ball, knowing she would die... Only hoping her Dashie was dead also, so they could spend their afterlives together.

With a sudden stop, the little furry ball of a pony felt cold tile floor underneath her. A mocking voice surrounded her. "Well well well! That's no way to be thinking, darling Pinkamena. Why, I wouldn't just kill you, not just like that! Noooooooo, I get to play with you!" Pinkie gulped. This must be the ponynapper! But... Where had she heard this voice before? No matter! She has to find Dashie and her other friends and escape!

"Better watch your thoughts, missy. I can hear them... Like your link with you friend Twilight Sparkle." Pinkie gasped, her eyes widening in horror as she imagined what this pony had done to Twilight.

"Don't worry, at most she'll have a concussion." The former party pony glared at the wall where the noise seemed to be originating from. She sat up, scanning the room. It was a blank, square room, with nothing but white tile.

"Hmmmm... Better keep your strength up! Nighty-night!" The voice called in a mocking, sing-song voice. Suddenly, the room was completely dark, and Pinkie felt herself forcefully being put to sleep... No.... Must... Stay... Awake... But resistance was no use. Too soon, the mare slipped into unconsciousness, her body tensed on the cold, tile floor.

Comments

[Princess Twilicorndog]

The third chapter! To make up for this one being short, I PINKIE PROMISE to make the next one EXTRA-long for everypony!

[tubaguy]

A hologram
who woulda guessed

[emberghost]

[Lucefudu]

Pinkie breaks the 4th wall to the readers. A nice concept, but it is considered somewhat thin ice. Be careful with what you do.

The text is flat: "Pinkie does this. She does that. This happens. That happens. Pinkie sees this. Yadda, yadda, yadda" You need to work around with your sentences a bit more. Bring forth your imaginations and add details to the text. You must give us the colors to paint the images you want us to.
The more "suspense" parts of it were also lacking the feeling. You roughly described Pinkie's actions.
My motto: When a character is in a peaceful setting, take your time and describe the scenery, their moods, etc. When in a rushed setting (such as a battle or 'super fear' conditions), try to describe what they feel. The burning throats, the aching lungs, the pounding heart, the muscle fatigue, the mental strain, etc.
For instance, the scene with Pinkie on Flutters' cottage would be a lot better if you took your time in describing the setting she found herself on, along with her thoughts about what was going on. Remember: we readers are as clueless as the characters in a suspenseful scene.
The story also seems awfully rushed. You could enhance the suspense by making your chapters longer and focusing a lot more on the scenes. There are some plot-holes here and there... but the biggest one is: why did they blame Pinkie Pie? Ok, you, the author knows the answer because you came up with the story, but we readers don't. So give us a hand here.
DIALOGS! Please remember: Each character deserves its own paragraph for dialogs. When one pony speaks and ends, hit that beautiful Return Key on your keyboard and allow the other character to voice its mind. If you refrain from doing so, it will confuse the readers A LOT.
When ending a scene and starting another (such as Pinkie crying at AJ's and then Pinkie back at the library), use a marker to divide the change of scenery. REMEMBER THE CODE [ center]~o0o~[ /center] . Just remove the spaces and it will be fine.
Pinkie is an emotional time-bomb. Literally. First you state that she is never going to smile again, then you have her calling Twilight a silly filly. That is not what someone who vowed never to smile again would do.
THE ELLIPSIS! Refrain from using them when in a third-person narrative. They are more intended for first-person because they carry emotion to the sentences. A third-person narrator is usually someone who is outside the story. He can't demonstrate his feelings. He must show them to us, instead.
Although I try to avoid the Lavender Unicorn Syndrome like a spreading disease, I would advise you to do so here. Calling her Pinkie or she incessantly is really hard on the eyes.
Some aspects of the story feel like Deus Ex Machina to me; especially the ones which try to explain why the other ponies blame pinkie. It sincerely doesn't look like much thought was paid to it.

See what I did here? See how it is a fucking strain to read over a huge chunk of text? This serves as a lesson!

Please, don't take this comment as an offense. I really intend on giving you my best criticism in order to help you improve further and further. I hope you pay these a mind.

[Princess Twilicorndog]

267928
BLARGALAGRAFLARG
This.
This was my response to see how much revising I need.
I know!
I'm going to finish the story, THEN go on a HUGE revising spree and redo much of the story.
Sound good?

[Lucefudu]

268054 I'd tell you to do it right now... or else you'll be losing a few people who are interested in your story, but can't get past the errors.

[Princess Twilicorndog]

268077
Meep...
Can't do it right not... gotta get off...
I'll do it... soon?

[Lucefudu]

268093 No worries, man. Don't feel pressured by me. It is your story, after all.

[Booker Dewitt]

268102 do me a huge favour? go on my story? and like. criticise the shit out of it? :] cause i could really use a huge paragraph of help please? :]

other than that: onto the story,

it's getting better :3, i'm gaining more interest as the story goes on, was a bit confused by the hologram , and your scene's still seem a tad rushed, try to in-depth describe some scary things, like when you have the scene where they're in a scary predicament, or something's happening, instead of saying "she died" say something like " he laughed menacingly as he crushed her to death, her ligaments tearing, the crunching of breaking bones as he tightened his grip, there was so much pain, her demise came as a relief" describe it in detail to give a scarier impression, if you know what i mean.

[Lucefudu]

268466 I will, but tomorrow.

[Booker Dewitt]

268565 thankyou very much :3
and i believe your picture is a tattoo, it's awesome ^_^
i think it's a tattoo, if it's not, it's still awesome :p

[Lucefudu]

268585 Hah, yes it is. And thank you. I'm very proud of it... All that money and the needle piercing my skin, injecting black tincture in about 100 times per second... a real bliss. If you have a solid design in your mind; I strongly recommend it. You'll win 1000 e-cupcakes if you can guess where it is from and send me the message via PM.
Hint #1: Nintendo 64 game
Hint #2: This was the original design. My tattoo artist modified it.
fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/058/2/9/dkadmad_by_overboarded2-d4r7t9o.jpg

[Booker Dewitt]

268613 i have absolutely no idea :], however, it is very accurate, i only really played mario kart on the n64 haha :p,

[Princess Twilicorndog]

268466
Well, thanks...
I'm going to do an edit of the story before the next chapter, but not really the image you put in my mind that I wanted during breakfast...

[Booker Dewitt]

270012 sorryyyyyyyy my bad, hehe, yeahh...sorry ._.

[TheNobleDragon]

I'm liking this.

[Surprise]

Please give this a cursing warning...

[Princess Twilicorndog]

287141
Yeah, sorry about that then.
That part just sorta came to me... .-.

[Lauralite]

I would greatly enjoy an update to this, it's pretty good so far and it pains me to see such a story go neglected so long