So far so good with the premise. I am sure you will get an editor soon or you can go to a group that I forgot what is called to help you with correcting. Hope to see more!

So far I'm enjoying it just some editing and it could be better. I wish I can edit but I can't sorry.

311712
Thanks. What can I do to make it better

ACHIEVEMENT GET DUMBASS. Lol

Like it so far can't wait to see moar....

I WANT MORE

ya play it off cool

WAIT IT SAYS COMPLETED

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

3152361 Don't worry it's a series. By completed I meant like those chapters were completed. Not the whole story. I like to leave suspense for my readers on what's going to happen next.

Is there ever going to be a new chapter?

3164365. Chapters 3 + 4 will be uploaded by Tuesday afternoon. I promise. Finishing the final touches and doing some editing.

3172187 Cool

If you ever need, I am pretty good with editing. I may not get to it at times, considering im doing MOS training for the army right now so I'm busy 8 hours a day from monday to friday, but weekends I will be able to help you out.

Is English not your first language? The grammar, spelling, and quality in general here is... bad. I mean, really bad. I'd really suggest getting a proofreader to help you (plenty of groups here that offer help, just type proofreader in search).

The dialogue is choppy and unrealistic, there's way too much ALL-CAPS being used (hint, the amount that should be in a story is zero), there are basically no descriptions of any sort making this entire thing read like a script, and obnoxious notes are tossed in which do nothing but disrupt the entire flow of the story.

Really, the only thing I can say that this does right is that the characters themselves don't seem to be OOC, and the premise is interesting. The execution of the idea, on the other hand, has way too many problems. Still, good luck with your other fics.

I'm an Expert-Class member of the Proofreader Group, and I see boat-loads of potential in this story. It has a whole world of mistakes that disrupt its appeal, though. Due to my current availability, as well as my backlist, I may be able to offer lessons or suggestions to help this get up to speed. This is all I'm offering for the time-being, however. I'm too backed up to take on this story entirely. Although I can't function as an editor here, I bet I could make a pretty effective mentor.