Twilight Sparkle had spent well over 24 hours working on a book that was mysteriously left on the doorstep of the library, after many hours she created a spell using the knowledge from the book to create a gateway between her world and a different dimension.
The Engineer, having realized that the battle they were waging against the machines was quickly turning foul, created a machine to teleport him and his ally's to another, safer place to escape from what would inevitably become a very painful fate.
When these two factors were both utilized, however, both sides will find themselves with alot more than they had bargained for...
Authors note, There will be more sad and serious moments in this story, I would have put the tags as such, but comedy and sad cannot both be used in the tags.
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Chapters (3)
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I've is always capitalized.
I is always capitalized.
The word Don't requires the apostrophe.
Also, names like the Engineer and the Medic are capitalized as shown.
3112489
thank you kindly for your time. i hope you can enjoy my writing, even though i have NEVER done something quite like this... im used to writing about characters i create, not using characters other people have made... to be honest the entire situation kinda freaks me out a little, but the challenge of doing something new is going to be what keeps me going... that and i have every weekday from here until december free right now.
3112489
im currently working on chapter 2, its on my pastebin right now if you'd care to give it a look through... you seem to be rather good at proof-reading... im not.
3112508 Not a problem. (As long as it isn't MiE, you're okay in my book)
3112527
...you're going to think im stupid for this but... what is MiE?
3112527
all i know of these acronyms is AiE HiE and thats about it... ._. so i know Mie is something in equestria... but what?
3112531 Marine in Equestria.
Thirty fics, same premise. It's boring and overused by Call of Duty children.
Also, I don't think of you as stupid.
3112536
its using Team fortress 2, so it has SOME aspects that are somewhat like that... but i swear i'm going to be as original as i can... ^.^ if im not original, i'm never me.
3112525 And finally, since hogging comments is apparently my would-be cutie-mark, sure, I wouldn't mind proofreading.
3112555
if i lose originality i will eat engineers hard hat. .-.
3112555
judging by how long you've been gone the sheer amount of issues you've found must be astronomical... not a big surprise considering i had to go back and correct 50+ spelling and capitalization issues just to publish this story.
3112608
What if I told you..
I was actually making a comment on your blog post.
That's what happens to me at 12:00 AM.
I get confuzzled.
3112624>>3112624
meh. i can relate... seeing as i just spent 10 minutes wondering "wait, why is chapter two so much longer?" then i realized... chapter 1 was just the intro... ._. longer chapters to come... yaaaaay... i get to try and make all of my capitals and spelling correct for 2k+ chapters... YAAAAAAAAAY...
3112654 Well the proofread wasn't perfect, still some minor things, but that can be done after chapter 2.
So tired.
3112691
you dont have to man, you've already helped me MORE than enough... i probably shouldnt have asked in the first place, i feel rather rude for doing so actually...
3112694 Aight, last tip before bed.
Try enabling Auto-Capitalization if your PC has it, Auto-Correct is a win-lose kind of deal. Also, something I decided to do, if you play any games on PC, or go on youtube and have an account, make a comment, good or bad, but try to make it lengthy and spelled correctly. Do this a whole lot and you'll get in the groove of apostrophes and spelling of words.
P.S:Don't take tips from YouTube or any game. Those people spell horribly
Good night.
3112726g
g'night man. thanks for all of your help.
The punctuation here disturbs me.
Ah okay okay, I think I get it. You're going for a show type theme describing camera shots of various scenes and then continuing with the events that are happening in the scene. However there are mistakes they are hard to notice and can be mistaken as something else, I could be wrong as I'm reading this at midnight but, it's a good story you have a great plot and all. Just one question, ever thought of putting in the part where Twilight actually finds the book? And what about putting Engi's idea to escape Mann co in the description. As I've read this I can understand the down votes it's received, but I can not for the life of me figure out why only 6 people have voted on it. 7 if you include me. I would recommend getting someone to edit your story but I'm afraid they may alter it too much. While I'm writing this big paragraph mine as well put my thoughts into it as well... Twilight should be struggling to cast an inter dimensional spell as you're effectively breaking a hole in an extremely strong and thick barrier that constantly repairs itself at a near instantaneous rate, and you said Engi's machine was a doorway, you need to describe it more, is it a literal door? Is it like the teleported entrances/exits he usually builds? Or is it like something off Stargate?
...Jesus my mind is complicated...
And just to be a pest, you have to capitalise:
3118700
I hear what you're saying, but the sheer amount of changes needed to be made kinda scares me a little... i'll work on what i can and answer what questions you have to ask that i can answer... now i thought about the strain needed to cross between dimensions, normally it would be near impossible to accomplish... but there are many theory's that state that if two forces of near equal power try to cross said gap at the same time from two parallel universes, the normally impossible task becomes extraordinarily easier. I'm bringing science into this... granted not very well... anyway, the doorway thing... i'll have to find a way to better describe it as you're saying, i put one of the harder to notice scene transitions into bold and i'll be editing the description for this after i finish this comment.
3118703
Also... i HAD been planning to have the details on Twilight's discovery of said book to be later... but, now that i've said that everyone will know its coming... crap.
3118703
3112489
now, what are your opinions on the second chapter, because i trust your opinions quite a'lot... you both obviously have a'lot more experience than i... and there's no shame in asking for help from your betters... so... little help?
3121607
Just so you know. I have NO experience. I'm just talking from what I think I know.
3121945
well thats fine, because if you put my experience&skill into a number it'd be a -8... yeah... previous community did some damage to me that's going to take a while to fix...
3121945
the only reason im even able to speak this freely is because you're a person who barely knows me... if you and i met face to face... id be stuck in a dumb silence... the internet gives me just enough confidence to talk about all of this, and its only when im looking at myself like another person would... third person is my greatest source of protection on the internet.
Welp. That was a drop from the first chapter, probably because this one hasn't been edited.
There are some spelling mistakes as well as grammer and punctuation mistakes, too many to point out. I've told lots of people this in their stories but it's quite noticeable here, that the character's personalities seem off from what would be considered normal. I like how you put the Medic in charge instead of the Engineer given that usually the Engi's in charge it's a nice change. It seems that they're too easy to stop fighting, sure it's animated no matter which way you look at it, but it still seems... Off... Anyway, the immediate break out of a fight was completely uncalled for, why would the mane 6 attack them without even considering the fact that they mean no harm? And the character's in TF2 may be portrayed to be maniac's but they still should have some sense. I would think that Heavy would be the one to call out when Applejack bucked Medic as Heavy is usually very protective of him, but scout? That just doesn't fit, scout rarely uses Medic's skills and when he does, it's completely the medic's decision as the scout shouldn't need healing, unless he's a noob. But that doesn't count, the throwback from the spell shouldn't have knocked Twilight out, sure it would have been quite a lot of magical feedback considering all the energy she was putting into it, but she did not seem to hit her head on anything when she was thrown back. Other than the magic causing her body to shut down I can find no reason for the blast to have knocked her unconscious. Also, why is Medic easy to decide to heal Twilight? He should hesitate as he is only familiar with the physiology of his comrades and, more importantly, humans in general. As well as that, he should be able to see from where he was standing that Twilight was unhurt, but he should portray concern.
You said that Rarity was the element of honesty straight after Applejack said she was
Holy crap I didn't understand a word I just said.
3122053
wait... first thoughts... I GOT THE ELEMENTS WRONG?! GAAAAH! just reading that first note made my mind hurt...
3121607 No harm in asking
It is a wall of text, to put it blunt. Try putting some spacing inbetween paragraphs.
Secondly, try not to rush it! Keep it smooth and have everything being explained, try a perspective next chapter, have their thoughts on the situation or something along those lines, helps build story and future relations with the ponies.
Thirdly, don't be afraid to ask for help, if you got a big chapter, feel free to ask me or Warrior Kitten for a proofread, I would never mind! I can also shove in my opinions and tell you of some suggested changes.
A lot less grammatical incorrections, and the story is original and stable.
Doing a million times better!
Edit: Ha ha.. Woah, why you be deleting chapter 2? And I see kitten beat me to it.
I feel stupid.
3122053
anyway... moving on... most people often portray the medic as more of a psychopath and back up said theory's with "the healing is not as rewarding as the hurting", but from what i've learned by playing as and sticking to the medic he does have SOME aspects that are like that but otherwise he follows his job in a calm, rational matter... anyway, he never "healed" Twilight, but as a master of medical science he would at least be able to tell if something was wrong at the very least... anyway, the thing about the scout... well, as stated previously, these are the last remaining members of the tf2 crew and they're from both teams red and blu... thus the over-protectiveness for their ally's... god, getting a headache here just explaining all of this... need to lay off the coffee...
3122087
...i've got you saying its better, and i've got him saying its worse... im so very confused that it hurts... i'm not going to ask you to check this one like you did the previous one, that would be rude of me, but if you could offer a couple of pointers in the area's i done goofed the most, i'd appreciate it greatly...
3122053
Also, the reason they all quickly stopped fighting goes under the White Mage principal from final fantasy... if you've only got one, you do NOT want to mess with the white mage and you listen to what the white mage sais without question... medic was the white mage for the tf2 cast... and the reason why heavy was so late to respond is, he's a fairly large man, most people say he has giganticism or however you spell it, and with some organs and other things being weaker despite his large size... well... its amazing he recovered as quickly as he did. the reason why the spell knocked Twilight out as it did was because it didnt just have the power from her spell itself, it also had the power from the engineers machine going haywire and drawing in way more power than necessary, thus why they all got pulled in as they did... it pulled in a large amount of air from the area, and its like the pyros airblast... only about 10x more powerful, all at once and in a concentrated area... get why the knockback was as damaging as it was? furthermore, on the quick intervention note, if a blinding explosion knocked one of your best friends out and the apparent cause for it was moving towards said best friend, wouldnt you do what you could to protect them, plus the questioning of lack of threat... this is going on the theory that none of the equestrians have ever even HEARD of humans... alien species walking towards an injured friend... WARNING. BELLS. TF2 cast, just watched their only medic get smacked through the air like a rock launched from a slingshot... need i say more?
3122097
I would totally proofread it! I don't mind at all!
Just.. Maybe tomorrow. I had a tough day.
Looking at pictures of Corgi's and reading fanfiction is tough.
3122162
like i said, i dont want to ask you to. that'd be rude of me. i'm going to have to learn how to do this kinda stuff myself so i dont look like some jack who makes someone proof-read his terrible story quality.
3122087 3122097
It'd be better if you trusted Thaumite over me, I have literally 0 experience dealing with these kinds of things other than recently proof reading another authors story, but I've only been doing that for a little while and I'm not bringing up good results. Heck, even my stories falling back. You're story had 4/2 mine has 8/8! So, yeah.
The only reason I beat you on Thaumite is because I needed to do something on the site and I happened to see some notifications from Security, so I decided to check it out.
3122939
Even so, you've helped me out as well as far as confidence goes and you've helped me find some pretty gaping holes in my writing and for that i thank you.
...even if most of them were so obvious i seem blind for missing them...
3122087
i've really got to replace this thing.
i didnt delete chapter 2, i unpublished it and my computer wouldnt let me hit the publish button again because it was being stupid.
3122087
Something i just noticed that made me make a double take... Your suggestion for paragraph spacing. I... REALLY dont want to come off as rude here... But... You're the one that gave me that type of writing style when you proof-read my first chapter... I thought i was doing better by doing a similar style... And now I am the essence of confused.
3165340
Everyone makes mistakes.
(Easiest way to cover up my stupidity.)
3165340
So that probably means you should trust Kitten over me. I may make loads of stories, but they always go unpublished, resulting in me not getting criticism, Kitten has that.
Sorry I messed up.
I'm good with the dialogue, the characters seem to speak and react in generally realistic ways, though some moments seem a bit off, mostly that some actions are a bit too sudden. My three main problems aside from that are
1) Spacing. Every paragraph should have a line between them, making it much easier on the eyes.
2) Description. A bit more descriptiveness in scene and actions would help to flesh things out and give a more vivid scene. You're mostly good with that, but occasionally there'll be a bit of description that could go with something.
""Welp! We wont know until we try, and besides if they're with us, they'll already have won some points with the people of Ponyville!" Pinkie proclaimed"
""Pinkies right, Twi, as long as they're with us they shouldn't have too much to worry about," Applejack stated."
Both of these could use a bit more description.
An example based on the first:
"Welp! We wont know until we try, and besides if they're with us, they'll already have won some points with the people of Ponyville!" Pinkie proclaimed as the Demoman looked uneasily at the position she now occupied atop his head.
(This is just an example, and isn't too necessary a thing, but using time in dialogue to add little details can be fun for both the writer and reader)
3) Grammar, spelling, and other such things. This is something that, for me, either makes or breaks the readability of a fic. And here it breaks it. This is an example of 2 paragraphs that are in the middle. Not the worst, but not the best.
Twilight, after seeing this, walks closer to the Medic "dont worry about her, she's always like this around anyone new... just give her time and she'll warm up to you..."
"Danke, Twilight... now then... its time to figure out where we'll be staying for tonight, as, and im not 100% certain on this, most of us are probably exhausted from everything thats happened so far..." The Medic stated.
Now, the cleaned-up version
Twilight, after seeing this, walks over to the Medic, leaning her head as close to what she believed to be his ear as possible so as not to embarrass Fluttershy. "Don't worry about her, she's usually like this around anyone new... Just give her some time and she'll warm up to you." she whispers, smiling.
The Medic's worried frown falls into a relieved smile as he thanks Twilight for explaining her friend's shy tendencies. "Danke, Twilight. Now zen... It's time to figure out where ve will be staying for ze night, as it vill not take a medical examination to tell zat most of us are exhausted from everything zat's happened so far." The Medic stated.
Some things I've noted are:
-You tend to overuse ellipses.
-Words like "that's" or "it's" are often missing apostrophes, or have one that they should not have. (If you aren't clear on when to use them, just ask)
-Capitalization is often done incorrectly (Though mostly just not capitalizing things that should be capitalized) (Same here as with punctuation like ellipses and apostrophes, ask if you need this cleared up)
-Some missed chances for more descriptiveness (Mentioned earlier)
-Characters occasionally going too far out of character (Mentioned earlier)
I think that the little bit between the Spy and Rarity was one of the best parts of this chapter from a writer's standpoint, as it featured the a bit more detail than some of the chapter. I also like how most of the characters are generally written. Little moments like the Sniper and Demo verbally teasing each other and the Pyro lighting the party cannon were fun little additions that were fun to read and helped the story's lighthearted tone shine.
3166556
Okay... I'll admit... Reading most of what you put in there made me feel like i was a terrible writer... And it made me question whether or not i should even continue or if i should just give up and vanish like i've done every other time i join a writing community... But I'll try and make adjustments like this in the future, As i see how they can help/harm my writing... Thanks... And I had hoped that the pyro part would at least bring a smile to someones face... Didn't realize that was one of the ONLY good parts of this chapter... *sigh* i've got alot of work to do... And my confidence in my self and my writing is still at a low... But I'm glad that at least SOME of my work wasn't terrible. It shows improvements from how i was in my previous communities... still... Got a lot of work to do i suppose... Best get started... Mind if i use some of these changes you've given me in the chapter? i get the feeling it could really use the improvement...
3165779
And you didn't really mess up all that much, Your suggestions helped make my story better than the P.O.S that it was previously... If not for you I'd have 10 dislikes and 2 likes... if not less than that in the likes department...
3167751
Sorry, I've been told I can seem harsh. There were a lot more things I liked, such as the way you kept from focusing on one character for too long (I've seen fics with a bunch of main characters do this, and it can get annoying). I just didn't mention them because they were already being done well and had no need to be fixed. I liked the whole chapter, I just wanted to mention some of the moments where it really shines to keep your spirits up since I thought I might come across as harsh if I only mentioned bad things.
You can certainly use the suggestions I made if you'd like. Stay confident, because I like what you've written so far, it just needs refinement.
3167865
Its not that your harsh... Its just my image of myself is rather... poor...
3167865
There is one part of this chapter though that has me rather curious... Did you, by chance, Think it was accurate of me to assume that the Pink Party Pony, Pinkie Pie, Would understand Pyro? I assumed that with everything else she does, what with the appearing out of nowhere and hiding behind things smaller than herself as well as the constant breaking of the fourth wall, It might make sense... But I'm curious as to whether or not I used this correctly or if that was just one giant "What was he thinking" moment... Gah... I hate my second guessing, sometimes... It even bothers ME.
3167916
I completely get ya, I second guess myself a lot as well. But there, Pinkie understanding the Pyro fit so well I didn't need to think twice about it. I loved the continuous switch of he and she
3167941
Hey, Valve themselves messed with the people with meet the pyro, by switching between he and she. So, why wouldn't I? :/
Here's a positive engineer can still build his dispensers, sentry, and teleporters.
3209598
I was hoping someone would point that out... However, a side note, He'll need to re-make all of his original blueprints. they lost everything but a few things when they crossed over, as stated in the first bit of the chapter.