Pokonic
Joined 17th Jul, 2012 ·
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Pokonic · 4.6k words · 59 6 · 1.4k views
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This is starting off really well glad to see actual character development where most stories jump straight in four out of five mustaches for the start
You got my attention, and ever growing curiosity... and boner.
Cool,cool.
I must know where this is really going into.
MIND TWIST.
It's good for a start. However you might want to watch the perspective you're writing this from, you are slipping from third person to first person in the same sentence.
Still I would love to see where this goes! So tracked and liked.
3114780 Bloody hell, this is what happens when I try and write porn at five in the morning. Thanks for catching that.
3114799
My pleasure, just glad to be of service.
Yes! I knew this was going to be good. Wonder how he is going to find out...5 bits on orgasmic disguise dropping!
Think I'll keep track o' this one.
I like this exposition. It's much more refreshing than a pizza delivery boy or a repairman. It's kinda' cute actually.
Is Sterling Sword the trophy husband?
I have the most suspense-filled boner right now.
I'll be watching this for scientific purposes.
3117831 i140.photobucket.com/albums/r16/ff144/dr_evil_right_thumb.jpg
of course... scientific purposes.
my curiosity has a wing boner.
The song "SLUT" from "VELVET ACID CHRIST" Comes to mind when I was reading this It seems to fit
I apologize for not putting a link up because I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO
Oh, this story I'm on the edge of my chair...no wait,bed...Wait,no no school desk.
I must know where this story will be headed to..
Ok review time!
Otherwise, great story so far!
)
Pros: Good story, details are worded beautifully, character personality is good so far.
Cons: Grammar. It's not much, just a few tweaks, ok?
Here's where you'll need to edit to make it perfect (OCD sucks, y'know?
change "a" to "an" I think I missed one, dammit.
Your quotes need a change.
These ALL need to be changed from a period to a comma. You're not ending the sentence, so the comma is needed because of the person speaking or performing an action while doing so. These are only 4 of many that are in here. Again, easy fix, don't sweat the small stuff. Moving on!
Change to "sandwiches"
Breath to Breathe
Is supposed to be she'd
But as you say previously in a message,
, I'll let it slide. Easy shit like this can happen to the best of us.
Overall: 9/10 just cuz of the grammar. Sry, I'm an ass, I know. It is very well structured with well deserved applause. A like and a favorite for you ma'am.
I just wish ppl would read mine
Oh well, time to write a porn it is!!!!!! 
So Chrysalis in the title image? Btw was his girlfriend a Changeling the whole time or was she replaced by this new queen at one point?
weren't
I didn't add this to the first chapter, but it should be " instead of '. ' refers to a flashback where " is a reference to the person's state of mind. Hope that helped!
It should be you're
YES YES YES! (Street Fighter Reference) You fixed it! Don't change this.
"an"
I think you meant long
.
Remove the '
Did u forget to add a "to"?
Make it a "
This whole paragraph is one, long run-on sentence.
You did it again, lol.
Verb confusion. Is he thinking this or is the 3rd person omniscient observing it? You have 3rd and 1st in this sentence. Also, want's should be "wants"
Ewwww, she opened his mouth? JK, should be her.
DAYS
Ok, 3 things I have noticed.
1) With words like days and valleys, you tend to add an 's to them. Simple, check.
Anyway, just remember which one is which.
2) There..... Just make sure you know which form you're using. See what I did there?
3) Your quotations when someone is speaking.
"I like pie," Pinkie said. This is correct.
"Cake is sooooo 20% cooler than
pie."Rainbow Dash replied. This is incorrect.A small mistake, but easy to fix.
Grades Writing: A Grammar: B (Just small shit, don't worry) Detail: A+ Very well done! I could see it happening.....and then I realized, how the hell did this happen to me? I'm reading MLP.
I just don't know anymore. Overall: A
Keep up the great work! Also, I want to apologize if I became an English nazi or something; I just want your story to be better so harsher critics don't go all AWOL on this. I enjoy the reading and look forward to more. Any questions, please feel free to reply or PM me. Thx for your time!
3117591
Have you seen the second chapter? I aim to please.
3119106
Nope, different one. Also, yes.
3118909
3119186
FFFFFF....thank you for seeing all that.
3119303
Ah interesting then.
Not bad so far! Of course, no kind of shit has hit the fan yet. I shall keep tabs on this.
3117745>>3117892 Put your links together. It makes a funny. Anyhow, fine story sir! XD
3120811 lol.
3119303
No problem, after all, no one here has done a thorough review. I could be an editor for you maybe?
I won't edit your story, just grammar and simple fixes, yay!
3120883 That sounds great, actually.
3120906
I smell a friendchip!!!
This is good. This is really good.
I approve of this story.
So far this is going well.
Hohooh, Sterling is probably not going to get any action even before ending up in some sort of cacoon.
This sentence needs ending punctuation, probably a period.
"Your" should be "you're", since replacing it with "you are" makes sense in context.
"Pegusi" is traditionally spelled "pegasi".
Same here.
This idiom is usually spelled "struck a chord", as detailed here.
I probably shouldn't be snickering right now...
And the part we've all been waiting for...
Beautifully written.
3139510 A nice juicy piece of meat with two big buns, warm and edible. Lots of carbs, though.
3139891
The most delicious demise ever..
Lawl, get raped.
global3.memecdn.com/things-are-abouh-to-get-weird_o_185922.jpg
Somehow... I doubt this is going to end well for her...
3140598 No shit :p
3139899 Oh no, she isn't going to die! She has a long life ahead for her.
3142308
at least she got paid.
...
wait, did she get paid?
3142314 The business got paid. By the time Carapace is done with the poor mare, she won't have a use for money. Or the ability to spend it, vi virtue of being unable to touch the floor.