Chapter 10 Ending Two
"Hey guys sorry for not updating my birthday came up on March 6th a few days ago and I've been more busy than usual anyways I started writing Chapter 10 Ending two but I felt like it wasn't very good. So tell me what you think about it and be as harsh as you can I need to know so I can write a better version. (It doesn't seem very well written so tell me waht you think about it so far and most of all be honest.) NO SPOILERS IN HERE YET. Also incomplete."
~4 Years later~
All my life I have dealt with everything the same way I just ignored it. That was until a special orange pony named Apple Jack came by and changed that. She was my family nothing will change that...Or so I thought.
Today was Apple Jack's birthday. So I decided to go get some furniture and such for her bedroom. I told Apple Jack that I was going to buy something for her birthday. I was ready to go and heard a knock at the door. I told Apple Jack to go upstairs to her room. We never get visitors here. I opened the door and that's when I knew today wasn't going to be a good day. I saw several ponies of a many color.
Pink, Yellow, White, Purple, and white again. But no blue. I wondered why. I also wondered why they were here. Although I did know why, but I ignore it.
"Um...Hello?" I said.
Celestia began "Hello have you seen 2 differently colored ponies?" Barely audible she whispered "There's no use lying." Although she said it in a way where I wouldn't take offence to it.
I was silent. I thought this day would come a few years ago but...I wish it wasn't today... I could feel tears coming.
"Y-...Yeah... Why ya looking for her?" I said.
"Twilight Sparkles I need you to come here and explain for me." She said. After she said that she came closer smiled shyly and coughed.
"Well you see whenever a pony is in this universe, the universe in our world loses it time span giving ours to yours and also changes the atmosphere as in this planet's atmosphere having mostly hate it would change the atmosphere in Ponyville to hate but replace the one in this planet's to love." Everything was going in fast motion nowadays. even right now as we speak it's going to fast for me to bear...
"So you're going to take Apple Jack? Also where's the other pony?" I said.
"Well we've been looking for them both for the past 14 days." Twilight said. Does this mean... that My Little Dashie hasn't happened yet? Or does it mean time is reversing in an area.....
"Um sir your face is becoming pale..." Twilight said. I was at shock I'm about to lose Apple Jack and if I keep her here the world will eventually cease to exist... most of all Where was Dashie now? At that one guy's house? Time is going by fast.
"I...D-...." Is all I can mutter out right now. something happened that made me go stiller than stone...
"Hey Pa ya there?" Apple Jack yelled down. "Um did Apple Jack just call you...Pa?" Images of her flew through my mind and I couldn't bear it.
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336240 Yay!
This chapter seems incomplete
343010 Yeah I forgot to put down that it was incomplete. *Changes
Wait if this chapter is incomplete then why is the story labeled complete?
366331 Beacuse it's going to be a different ending entirely. I got the first ending done but not the second ending. Technically making it finished.
380321
Oh well I'll just keep this tracked....just in case
This was so sad it pulled hate out o me and placed it with actual feelings sir/madam I tip my hat to you.
"if I keep her hear the world will eventually cease to exist... "
hear=listening
here=location
395809 FINALLY AN HONEST REVIEW! I agree with pretty much everything. This was my first time writing a story (The reason why I didn't mention this is because I wanted honest reviews and not just trying to be nice about it I need to get better.). I also know little about the show (even though I watch it alot.
I don't take offence easily so don't worry about that.
I do agree with you, I should have explained in more detail in the story. I know the grammatical problems but although I'm good in English I'm terrible at grammar and have a tendency not to double check. What I've been wanting to do is completely redo the story. Explain where he lived get AJ more involved and completely redo everything. I guess the music part wasn't really needed. *Removes
I'm happy to see someone actually give an honest review since even I knew this story isn't the greatest. (I give it a 4/10 personally) Another thing I wanted to address was why he wasn't in school. What I was going for (Till I forgot.) was explain that he wasn't in a very good neighbor hood. He dropped out because his school was doing nothing but trying to get him arrested. (Reasons I can't remember) And I also wanted to go more into detail whenever the main character watched My Little Pony for the first time instead of what I put which was pretty much like this "He watched the show, he liked it learned a bit from it the end."
I should have put down what kinda place he worked at aswell. In my mind it was just a small dark office building with few workers. I also should have put down what his house looked like. In my mind (again) I imagined a moderately small sized house but big enough for a filly to run around in. The house was dark broken down and has a cold feeling to it.
Thanks for the first into detail review.
395809
I can't believe I made that error. Thanks for pointing it out for me. 
400474 No problem glad, I could help. You might want to recruit a good grammer Nazi to be a prereader for you.
Myself, Im not the greatest with all of the fine mechanics of grammer and will have a few problems come out.
Sometimes asking for reviews will cause more people to be vocal about any errors they find.
401221 I've got one. He's not really working on it right now but he's the top commenter on this page. "JakeTheRake"
401396
*looks at JakeTheRake's comment*
He is a bit more critical of your work in PM's right? (Sorry if thats a bit dickish)
401621 Nah. We're friends so I'm guessing he's not really wanting to be honest (although I don't mind that.)
(I wanted to get this out so others can see it aswell.) Me and him were on skype (Because we are in a cast on youtube and are friends) and he asked if he could do a narration of my story. We started and he pointed out alot of flaws. I said "Why don't you be my new spellchecker?" and he accepted. Hasn't really been working on it he's been working on a mod for Minecraft though. Although I don't really keep up to date with him on it since I'm moving to Alabama and have been busy, I do check with him every now and again.
420054 Thanks. I didn't really try though. I just wrote something similar, not really thinking about posting it somewhere for anyone to read.
so sad
629611 Thanks. :D
not as emotional as My Little Dashie (which made me cry) but close...the ending was a little weird though was it repeating after the same box arrived at his doorstep??
Still not finished?
While it was rushed and could have been better, I enjoyed the story nonetheless. I must confess that the ending made cry so much that my face was filled tears and my nose was stuffy. This was probably the only story that made me do that and is why I Favorited.