After a dinner with Celestia, Luna is thinking left thinking about a certain mare from her past. When she gets to her bed chambers she falls asleep and finds herself in a dream that she discovers is a memory from over a thousand years ago. Snowdrop isn't a foal in this story, also this is my submission for the Filly Foolers fanfiction contest.
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This is actually pretty good, but a few problems.
1. Your dialogue is all jumbled up, I almost lost track of who was talking at what point. You have to create a new paragraph for a new speaker each time.
2. The execution was well, but the parts where you would describe a scene would be kind of awkward, A.K.A the phrasing is jerky and unstable. Try going for a more fluent choice of diction, or just rephrase it altogether.
3. The ending was sort of sudden, you may want to give more detail leading up to it, as to not fluster any future readers. There were certainly moments that you could have described in detail what happened, instead of just SAYING they happened.
Overall, I give this story a 7/10. Mega A+ for effort.
All you need is some improvement, and that 7 will skyrocket into a 10.
Good job, bro. At first, I wasn't really interested into this paring but I'm glad I gave your story a chance.
For some critc, I can't say more then the nice fellow YourNeighborhoodAlicorn.
Keep it up and feed me with some more stories
3103394 Thank you! I've been dying to get a critic in here. Now let me try to explain some things.
1. As far as I recall I did actually start a new paragraph each time a different character spoke, if not I'm blaming the copy paste, as when I let my story be pre-read, My pre-reader edits it for me instead of telling me what's wrong and where. To avoid any possible confusion, yes i write my own original stuff. As for the text being jumbled, I apologize for that I was honestly trying to take up room In the story so I added random text.
2. I will agree on jerky and unstable describing out of honesty I have and will admit to being a novice writer, I have my moments, but I'm not fluent with said moments.
3. Then ending was sudden for a lot of reason actually.. The first being I was happy that it was finally four thousand words and I didn't want to drone on anymore. Yes I could have describe in detail in just saying, but I didn't want to jump back into a memory or something,
All in all I do honestly thank you for rating it! :D I need more critics like you so I can improve Thank you so much
Also on a side note, you should see what this and more others look like before editing lol. I over punctuate.
3104309 I will always have more stories for you to read
Actually I had an idea or two hit me for other fics while I was writing this! More chapter will be coming of my other fic too, once I get around to actually writing it again.
3104707
It's really no problem, you have a lot of potential, and I don't say that about a lot of novice authors I meet. You'll find that writing a story flow gets easier as you get more experience under your buckle. Just take your time to write and don't rush it. Good writing takes time to develop, if you force yourself to write, it won't come out very well.
This is actually the best OC fic I've seen in a while, since most of them now consist of Mary Sues. But yes, it's all in the matter of execution.
3105952 That means a lot thank you. Considering this is my first OC fic also means that much more. The next fic i write ill be sure to take my time
Ya dun good.
3245021 Thank you Terra!
A very nice story. The only question I have is this:
How old IS Granny?
3359854 well i did some looking.. She was there when Ponyville was made so technically it works, but at the same time doesn't. Who knows maybe even older then Celestia.
This is my second time reading this fic and despite the poor english the story itself is really good. Why does Luna x Snowdrop get no love?
Is Granny Smith secretly an Alicorn?!?
in all seriousness though, this fic was adorable...and somehow, the only Luna x Snowdrop fic on this entire site
Why don't more people write this pairing?
9272786
I was kinda sad no other artists really took a stab at this pairing either. As for Granny she might just be!