So, Melody and Granite Hiked through the Everfree. It wasn't a long trek, and Melody knew that she had to be keen for danger, because the forest was full of predators. As they hiked, Granite had a few questions.
"So, Melody, what is it like? To live without a home in so long?"
Melody gave a long sigh. "Granite, my dear, y'all should know that asking about that thing is bad. Exposed in the Elements......and other bad things like that."
Granite hugged Melody once more. "I-I'm sorry for asking Melody."
Melody gave her a smile. "That's okay honey."
Suddenly, there was some rustilings of a bush a few feet away. Melody stopped cold. A foul stench filled the air, and Melody tried not to gag at the smell. "W-what's going on?" Asked Granite with fear in her voice.
"Granite, don't move. Grab on to me and don't fall off. Do y'all hear me?"
Granite shook her head in agreement as she did as she was told. Melody began to slowly back up, but whatever was stalking them, kept the distance between predator and prey.
Iah can't take this anymore. Melody knew that the beast would pin them off if they tried to escape with this method, so she took off in a full gallop. The bush was obliterated by the predators, a pack of three Timberwolves. Their howls of hunger pierced the forest, as they sped off after the two, their wooded bodies careening toward their target, connected to a set of sharp vicious teeth, the dagger-like claws churning up the damp earth as they ran.
"T-Timberwolves!" stammered the filly, as she clung to Melody's neck with fear.
"Don't worry child, I'll protect you, even with mah last dyin' breath!" She said, as she ran through the forest, little Granite on her back.
"That's not very reassuring."
"Iah know, Granite. I'm trying to make our situation just a bit brighter."
The Timberwolves kept up at a brisk pace. Melody was getting tired, as her breath came in gasps, to provide her legs with energy to avoid getting herself any closer to the wolves. But soon, the Timberwolves would be upon them, for Melody couldn't run forever....and they knew it.
3362957 She's supposed to have that slight accent.
3362983 Well, when I have time, I shall fix that. Are you the one who disliked this?
the first "Hiked" shouldn't be capitalized, the same with the first "Elements".
i think that "'W-what's going on?' Granite asked, fear evident in her voice." sounds a bit better to me.
also, isn't a shake of the head a common body gesture of disagreement? shouldn't a nod be better?
i would consider re-writing this sentence a little. doesn't seem to feel right.
"two, their wooden bodies careening toward"
3363026 and I will fix that a bit later. The point is that I tried.
3362992
pfffttt i'm offended by that statement. i'm just someone who likes to help people in anyway, shape, or form. i give criticism, but i don't let it get the better of me and dislike something. i tell the person, whether it's a writer or whatnot, what i found that i didn't like in hopes of the author replying to me to stake their claim as to why they did what they did.
3363064
never said you didn't my dear. never said you didn't.
3363070 no, the words you give is fine... it's just that....I took the time to write this, and...nobody appreciates it.
3363089
that's not true. i do enjoy it. i'm just trying to help you with some of the minor grammatical issues. that doesn't mean that i don't like it.
3363097 Really? Well, I gotta get back to RP.
3372560 Okay! Done!
3374011
I love Melody, because she is protective, caring, and comforting to a lonely little filly such as Granite. I hope some pony will come and help them, because like Melody says, they can't outrun a pack of Timber wolves forever.
3387848 Well, thanks for your opinion. like I say often, Let's just find out!
You hook us nicely with two compelling characters, I like that. Now we need more of Melody's back story (why was she alone and friendless?) but a slow reveal is good for that. It would also be good to see Granite contribute more, so far Melody is doing all the work and I'm sure Granite has some skills or talents that can help them.
You rushed through the first chapter. It does it's job, we come to like Melody and worry about Granite. But it seems a bit off. In particular, Ribbon gives up on her daughter much too easily, and doesn't even try to pull her out of the lake. But you do foreshadow how there's more going on than Melody sees (Onyx is gray? I want to see where that's going).
I like short chapters, but I don't think you're ending all your chapters at good breaks. They feel more like scene breaks than the full end of chapters. Now, the end of chapter 4, with the timber wolves bearing down on them, that is a good chapter break!
And, yeah, I agree with Telaros, you need to be more consistent with your paragraph formatting.
3392253
Dear my friend, thanks for your output. the story is a bit on the action side, but any suggestions are fine. Thank you for the liking of my story. It is very appreciated!
Black Flames.
Whoever those haters are, they obviously don't know a novice writer when they see one.