Loneliness and Friendship

by RustyKat

One Rough Meeting

Dubstep Melody was walking in her home town, Los Pegasus, during the night. Stars glittered coldly overhead, and the moonlight lit up the dark sky. She was happy living in this town, were she felt she belonged, with friendly folk here and there. As Melody stared at the stars, she could hear some shouts from a house nearby, followed by a pegasus mare running out of the house. Concerned, Melody flew over to a nearby bush, and could just hear some of the words of the shouting.

"You are a unicorn! You'll never be a pegasus! Never!" Shouted the black pegasus father, as he ran outside, carrying a small, sniveling purple unicorn filly. He placed the filly on the ground, staring at her with anger.

"You have disgraced my family, Granite Sands. You are no longer my daughter."

With that cruel thing said, the mare cried,"No! you can't do this to my daughter, Onyx!"
The stallion whipped around to face her. "I can do what i want, Ribbon!!" Gee, why doesn't she leave him? Thought Melody with melancholy. With that, Onyx threw the filly into the lake nearby, and thrust the filly into it, holding her under the water, intending to drown her.

Granite sands struggled under her Onyx's grip on her throat underwater, fighting to reach the surface. But soon, her actions proved fruitless, as she lost consciousness, and went limp. "No! You monster!" Ribbon cried at him. "Heh, I don't need you Telling me what to do.. See you never." And with that, he flew off. Melody watched as Ribbon sobbed, her shoulders heaving for what seemed hours, before she slunk back in her house, and returned with a white candle. She lit it next to her house, setting a framed picture next to it.

"Someday we'll meet again." Ribbon said softly, before heading into the house. Immediately, Melody rushed over to the water, and lifted the comatose filly out of it. Placing her on the ground, Melody then began to push the water out of Granite's lungs. After a few minutes, the filly coughed water out of her lungs. She was okay, but not out of the woods yet...She was still unconscious. I better take her away from here, in case Onyx comes back to finish her off. She spread her wings, and took off, the filly in her fore hooves.

As she flew, she couldn't help but think about how grey the filly's father had looked. Gee, he really had no color.... She landed to where she had been gazing at the stars, and put Granite on the ground. Since Melody had been living here only a few months, she still had no home. Her stuff was stowed under the small hill, were no pony would see it, and she draped a wing over the filly, as she laid down. The sky, full of dark clouds, soon began to pour, and Melody quickly grabbed Granite, her things, and huddled under a poorly shaded tree. Nothing seems to be going right today... She thought as she yawned. Putting her stuff in the saddle bag, but having no place to stow it, she decided she had to wear it. She laid down on the ground, draped her wing over the filly to keep the rain at least off Granite, and fell asleep, the ice cold rain beginning to soak Melody's fur to the skin.

Author's Note:

Bad luck happens all the time... could it be a coincidence that they had to meet?

Comments

[APoeticHeart]

Aw.. poor Granite. Oh, that Onyx, I would like to take my hands and shake him furiously. Thank goodness for Melody though for saving the poor filly and taking her away from that environment.

[OrdoPonius]

You have some minor capitalization errors, might want to go back through and check those. Excellent story otherwise.

[Nik-Nack]

Pretty good!
Just the I in the I can do what I want line and its perfect.

[Telaros]

With that cruel fact said

OUCH! That one got me right in the feels >< even the author admits the poor child was—in fact—a disgrace to the family.

Granite sands struggled under her Onyx's grip

I think you meant Father's grip.

"No! You monster!" Ribbon cried at him. "Heh, I don't need you Telling me what to do.. See you never." And with that, he flew off.

Two speakers back to back despite being two different characters in the same line of text. You seem to be going for the novel style way of story telling. Makes me believe you read some books and try to mimic that, so I'll give you advice on how to properly handle multiple speakers and how to break without really "breaking" the flow of your narrative/exposition.
First off, you always want to start every new paragraph with a tab, an indent, to let people have more understanding that it will indicate how you start your paragraphs. Now, arguably you WERE doing just that, but, you failed to do so on your opening paragraph and that alone can lead to confusion later on if it's repeated.
While not ALL authors start with an indent, most do if they stick with the no space rule. This gives readers an easier time to understand and keep up with changing perspectives that even the spacing rule can do for a reader if your story isn't so dialogue heavy as many tend to be, almost coming off as IM chats with RP elements in them. Which this is not, and there is nothing inherently wrong with stories that do. It all depends on what style of story is being told after all. So, enough of that babble, let's grab this paragraph and see if we can't somehow improve on it to give readers more understanding of what is going on.

Granite sands struggled under her Father's grip on her throat underwater, fighting to reach the surface. But soon, her actions proved fruitless, as she lost consciousness, and went limp.
"No! You monster!" Ribbon cried at him.
"Heh, I don't need you Telling me what to do.. See you never." And with that, he flew off.
Melody watched as Ribbon sobbed, her shoulders heaving for what seemed hours, before she slunk back in her house, and returned with a white candle. She lit it next to her house, setting a framed picture next to it.

You always still want to follow the general rule of separating new perspectives or speakers, the usual still. This singled out paragraph might not look as pretty to some, but proper is proper. This just gives your readers more of a visual perspective. Easier to keep up with all happenings in a scene.
On a final note, about spaces, those are still very much used in this style. Used for cutting to other events quickly and separating scenes/acts if you well. Like how you watch a TV show drama and it finishes up one scene on a sort of cliff hanger or joke and suddenly shifts to a whole new scene with other people. Yeah, spaces are the line breaks that break up these walls of texts from becoming unscalable.

Anywho, you likely know all that anyways, I'm just covering my basis at this point. Apologies, I have a bad habit of talking too much. And sorry about the little teasing on the first line, not sure if we're at that level of buddiness yet but I tend to poke humor into things at times.

P.S. Even if people complain, try to keep your chapters' formats consistent throughout the story as best you can. Chapter 2 looks cleaner but ditches the indented tabs of chapter 1. Chapter 3 is just characters speaking to get to each other.

My personal thoughts on the story: I kinda feel bad for Ribbon, she loved her daughter, no? I'm sure Melody Melancholy is lonely and happy to have a new friend, but she's going to have to learn that she's gotta let the filly go eventually. I do feel her concern, the father can return any time even, at any time. It's a prickly situation she's in. Melody Melancholy seems like a good mare with good intentions, we'll see what happens.
Good job though, short and bittersweet.

Chapter 3 has Melody Melancholy talking about going to the Doctor's to stop Granite from feeling "alls the sads" or something along that line that made me feel like she might have a mental disability, a bit slower than the average pony but still fully capable aside from a childlike way of speaking. Or maybe she was just really emotionally touched and was using baby words on Granite. I suppose that latter sounds good. I'll stop here since now I'm just talking to myself lol;