Rarity and Applejack frequently get on each others nerves. But when they get stuck together after both deciding to take a trip to Las Pegasus, will they be able to get past their differences and get back to being friends?
Chapters (2)
DarkSecrets
Joined 22nd Mar, 2013 ·
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Lol Ive been looking for a story at Las Pegasus. So... here's my criticism.
When writing thoughts, try using Italics. It's easier that way.
"Pink baker" should just be "pink baker". The P doesnt have to be in capital letters.
"mane six" should have capital letters like "Mane Six".
You left some quotation marks (") here and there but other than that, its good.
I like the idea of this story. Though the part when Pinkie gets angry and shout at her friends seem to be out of character. You should give the others a chance to speak. It gives more depth.
Also, try explaining the enviroment more. You explained the character's situation and state nicely, but left out the enviroment. That might make readers confused on where the characters are.
Also, good job on your first story! I think I'll fave this for now.
Those are some great suggestions! I'll definitely try and flush out the scenes more. I tried making Pinkie seem angry like she did when Applejack broke the Pinkie Promise, but yeah it might be a little out of character. I do have a plan for the end of this story so it might tie it together a bit.
Thanks for the favorite! I should be posting chapter two in a couple of days.
Somehow I see this playing out like an episode of "Friends."
3113611 I'm not sure I follow.
Well, this proves how Las Vegas sucks.
Also, I like how you describe the city. A cloud city that sunk to the ground? Brilliant!
You should keep on describing things with full detail like that. It makes it easy to imagine that.
Keep it up.
Thanks! Yeah idk the idea just came to me. I'll try and get back to this soon. work has been busy and I have a gf now but I think i'm going to try and finish ch. 3 by friday night