- Member Since 30th Jun, 2013
- offline last seen Aug 30th, 2015
DerpyRainbow
Well if I told you about myself it'd beat the purpose of my Alias. To clarify, I write in Canadian English.
DerpyRainbow
Joined 30th Jun, 2013 ·
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Allow me to be amongst the first to welcome you to FIMFiction! I know being a new member can be a bit... unnerving, I'm only recently here myself, but I assure you everyone here is very friendly and many of us a re glad to help a each other out. Anyhow, I noticed you have a pretty tough like/dislike ratio, but no comments on how to improve. That's why I'm here, if you would allow it I would like to help you improve. When I first arrived I was in a similar situation, but then a few more popular writer stumbled upon my story and help me with constructive critiques. Now, I'm not very popular at all, but I still want to help if you will let me.
Okay, done rambling.
P.S.
)
Thanks for the follow!
(Stalker.
3007308 I am always open to tips and suggestions. I'd appreciate any advice you may have to offer!
Interesting and very... creative. I like it.
3007320
Excellent!
Okay, for starters, anyplace you use the same word for something within the same paragraph, try to use a different word or phrase the paragraph differently.
For example:
Could be written as:
Secondly, there are a few parts that just sound a little funny, I'd suggest just rereading the story a couple times, carefully inspecting iffy sentences.
For example:
Sounds a bit odd.
This might be better:
Just a bit of rewording.
Other than these couple flow issues, I didn't notice any more issues.I look forward to the future installments.
Have a like on me.
3007394
I also see what you mean, sometimes I write some flimsy lines. These are genuinely helpful, i'll make some changes!
Oh yes, thank you! I always try to keep things fresh in each paragraph, I didn't notice that
3007366
Thank you for your comment, I try to keep things interesting!
I could also help you if you like. I haven't read the story yet but if I get some time later I'll be sure to give it a look over. Now the way I help is I go through someones story and find all of their spelling/grammar mistakes. (Punctuation is a different story though.) So if you don't mind I'll give it a read later.
3012618
The comments section is a safe heaven for free speech! for anything and everything!
Any tips/suggestions/etc. are very much appreciated! I want to bring my ideas to life in the best possibly way!
" As it changed colours, the liquid also began to glow more intensely,"
Color doesn't have a "U" in it. So fixing all the times you did it would help.
“Yes, well you seemed like the most brave to take a risk.”
Most brave is not the correct way to use it. Bravest is the way it works but not just be replacing it. The best way I can think to fix it is to re-word the sentence, something like "Yes well, you seem like someone who would take a risk."
" They’re bodies fell unto each other as they brought themselves into a kiss"
It would be "onto" not "unto".
" As Twilight's moans indicated her progression towards climax,"
For this to make sense you need to add a "her" between towards and climax.
" Rainbow Dash felt wetness leave her own pussy as she came on her writhing friend."
Wait, I thought Rainbow was leaning over a desk. How could she have cum on Twi?
Continue in part 2. Sorry I'm working on my tablet right now so after I hit the bottom of where I can type I can't go any further.
Part 2
" Streams of her own cum shot out onto her face and chest as she herself writhed in pleasure."
Again, she is leaning over a table right?"
3012890
It's funny you'd bring up the way I spell colour, I made a post about this a few minutes ago in my blog. I'm from Canada and we actually have our own form of English, Canadian English, which is a cross between British English and French (in most cases, just British). You can read the blog for some more examples of supposed "misspellings"
Thank you for pointing out that of how I described "brave". I did not remember there was such thing as being the "bravest", that will definitely be fixed.
The last few points are more so due to a lapse of descriptors, and how one will perceive the words. The way I imagined "leaning" is most likely not the same as you, nor is the way the desk looks. I do thank you for pointing out this possibility of confusion, and I will look into it.
I'm not sure about the "climax" part, I do feel that it's proper, however, along with "unto" as they are how I usually write, and similar formats aren't usually pointed out as incorrect. It's more so to do with writing style, I would think. However, I will look more into the syntax of this and similar phrases.
Thank you for taking the time to put your two bits in, I am currently working on the next kink, but will make time to look into this.
Part 2.2
Sorry accidentally hit the post button before I ment to.
Well that was it. Now for the part where I tell you what I thought. I like the concept you did with this. And I have never seen anyone try and write a story where the reader can imagine whether or not he/she want to think of the characters at humans, ponies, or human pony hybrids. Now the problem I have with it is that if you are going to want to do that I would think you would want to keep as few words that could distinguish what they are as possible. And twice I saw that you put in words like that, for readers that pay attention while they fap it's a distraction and in a clopfic you want to try and keep a steady pace and not make the reader stop and pause (unless it is purposeful like in a trollfic). There were also few personal gripes but I will spare you those since they won't help you improve any. All in all it is an... ok story. Obviously not great, but you are also just starting out. I'm not going to like or dislike this either since I really didn't like or dislike it.
3012960
I understand what you mean, I didn't want to alienate any readers from the first day, but I see now that it will be rather bland if I continue to do so. I have a hard time choosing, as I enjoy humans, anthros, and normal's, but by the 3rd chapter i'm probably going to have made a choice
Don't worry about what you say, I'm not one who needs to be tip-toed around, I understand that this is definitely not great, and my personality often makes me want to write snide comments, and smart-asses quips in the middle of my stories. It takes a lot of effort to resist, so i've given in slightly with a few aspects
I understand what I am doing and how things look, so don't be afraid to say anything you want, even your personal things you mentioned.
Thanks for sharing!
3012943 No problem. And about the unto thing. I did a little research and it seems that unto is just the way people used to day to. Like for example "Samuel gave a letter unto his friend." Is how people used to say it. (In English anyway) Oh and another thing, you don't have to do this but, a few months ago I posted a blog asking for advice on writing and I got a few (one) saying that you don't need to be all fancy with your writing by using big or complicated words. And it makes sense since I had to stop at least three times in your story on words I didn't know the meaning to.
3013016
Yes after using it for a few months I realized I wasn't 100% sure what it meant, I looked it up a little bit back, and decided it'd fit. I see it as a way to avoid using the same words over again.
3013031 Well either way it was something new and I did get a slight boner while reading it. I'll keep an eye out and you can probably expect to see me again. But you know it's kind of funny. I critique people on spelling/grammar in their writing when I didn't know how to spell probably till recently.
3013055
Well I always like to say
Just because you fail to do something, doesn't mean you can't try and stop others from repeating your mistakes!
3013487 First time I've heard that one.
3013515
Can I get a woot woot for being original, then?
3013525 Sorry, don't think so.
That saying makes me sound like a hypocrite.
3013580
That's actually where It comes from, just because you're a hypocrite, doesn't mean you can't teach others the right way. The values and morals are still there, whether someone follows them or not, but that's for another time!
3013623 Yeah I know, but it still doesn't look very good on me to be lecturing people not to do something only to turn around and Dp the same thing.
3013691
Indeed!
So far this is pretty interesting so I'll leave a like and a favorite and hopefully the next chapters are as interesting as this one.
3016931
Me too haha, thank you for the encouragement!
3016936
Here's some more encouragement, you're story is very new, and you are a new writer, yet you already have a higher number of raters and different viewers than I. I say bravo regardless of the ratio of your likes.
3024485
Wow, thank you. I'm not sure what to say but i'll continue to try my best!
π
Yes, I just started with Pi.
Now, WHAT THE BUCK DID I JUST READ!? Oh, and that was awesome. Now, I think we all learned a valuable lesson from this. And if I need to point it out, then I shall have to be contacted.
Oh, and Rarity's a slut? denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3369-Pinkie_you_dont_say.png
That was much better than your first chapter. Now I would normally look through it for errors but where I am it is like 4:00 at night and I am tired so I'm not going to bother with it.
i think I enjoyed this a little too much if you know what I mean.
3032618
I... I... don't... know how to respond to that... uh... circle!?
3032949
Thanks! I await your return!
3033547
You threw my story a surprise birthday party even though it wasn't its birthday but you felt the need to because it was just so fantastically written that it sent you into a fit of mega admiration and pinkie-pie syndrome, thus breaking the walls of restraint that controlled your mind and releasing you from your non-party-throwing prison? Wow, thank you, i'm glad you enjoyed it that much!
Not too shabby! Liked it
3034261
Thanks, glad you think so!
3033975 Uh yeah that's what I meant definitely that and nothing else*laughing nervously*.
3034306
images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120702115016/mlp/images/thumb/c/c9/Fluttershy_staring_S2E19.png/640px-Fluttershy_staring_S2E19.png Ok
3033975
And thus my confusing people without meaning to ability still stands. Trust me, I don't get it completely either.
And the circle part must be from the π. The valuable lesson: Never sleep until 12:00 p.m. when you have a sex-obsessed friend. And never fall asleep in your clothes if you don't want to be rap- er, I mean have "surprise sex" that night.
3034512
Good, response.
3034521
I would say thanks, but that Trollestia is making me second guess you....
3034608
Hm hm hm, all is well, my friend, have no fear.
3034920
OK then. Also, something that I forgot to mention is that you said Rarities at one point when it should've been Rarity's. That is all.
3035073
Oh thank you, that's Microsoft word for you!
3035124
And that is why spellcheck is the arch nemesis of all grammar nazis.
3035892
I noticed that it was also correcting "alicorn" to "acorn". Made the story a whole lot different very quickly.
hmm, I wonder what happens now? something tells me it is going to be a... pleasant waking
3037025
Was there ever any doubt?
3036157
*in a mocking tone* "Meet your new teacher, Twilight, Princess Celestia. She is an acorn and will teach you magic beyond your wildest dreams," Says her mom. "She's an acorn? I'm supposed to learn from a nut? Mom, are you sure this is the Princess of Equestria that you are talking about?" Twilight responded. "Yes, quite certain dear."
Actually, that could serve as a great comedy story. Newspaper headline: Twilight Sparkle and Friends Save Equestria from Nutmare Moon
3037293
I think I found that a little too funny
3037313
It's OK, I think I did too. But what a story that would be. Imagine trying to learn from an acorn. You have to wait and wait and wait and nothing will happen. ...Actually, that would teach you inner peace, this bringing out your own magic that was trapped inside of yourself and letting you unleash all kinds of newfound power. And it will also teach you patience. ...I think I over thought this....
3037416
Maybe just a bit, or maybe that's the story you write and get famous for...
3037429
Well I'll have to do it on my non-clop account, and after my current story, but I'll definitely give you credit for the idea and let you know about it, if it doesn't get on the featured page (which is really high hopes.) within the first hour or so. Thank you for the brilliant idea. I'll probably call it "Twilight and her Nutty Teacher," although I am open to suggestions. Bye now.