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With Twilight's parents attending a Canterlot Ball, Cadance is called on to foal-sit at night for the first time. It's a bigger job than she expected though, and when she drops her guard Twiley ends up in a perilous situation.
Contains non-sexual disciplinary spanking.
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Very nice job!
A very sweet read it overall. I think you handled Cadance's father really well. I'm no fan of caning, but you made it a believable punishment for a royal family.
I loved reading everything Twily said, she sounded perpetually hyper and matched her excitement at the end of her cutie mark story. Poor thing, though, thought the hairbrush would be a shade too intense for her age (she didn't sound that much older than 7-8), although I would not disagree given the severity of the incident.
I'm sure you'll regain Shining Armor's trust, Cadance. Just a feeling!
Looking forward to more.
A very likable read. The story was well put together and you really put a lot of effort into building the setting before plunging into the events. Someone else might have done this in half as many words and I think they would have been wrong in doing so.
One thing I really must confess though: Using an ampersand instead of 'and' is really, REALLY, annoying. It really detracted from your story and made you come off as a lot more amateurish than what your narrative really was. You have a nice, flowing style, but you could gain a lot from giving your text maybe one more proofreading pass before publishing. I spotted a few typos and incorrect verb forms, for example 'It was rare that Night Light ever rose his voice to his son' should be 'raised'. Something rises, but something is raised. Your line breaks were also off because you seemed to use them in the middle of a scene to signify a change in perspective. You really should stick to one perspective throughout a scene because it immerses the reader more. If you really want to tell how the characters think, show it through their actions, not as inner monologue or exposition. Heck, keeping to a perspective almost FORCES you into showing and not telling. You also had several mixups on whether to capitalize titles.
The fact that Twilight got a spanking with a hairbrush was quite a fair punishment for what she did. What I did find to detract from the story was that Twily's mother seemed to give her the spanking out of anger. You also switched perspective when you mentioned how Twilight dreaded she might be getting a spanking. The reader hadn't been told beforehand that she had been spanked, so it was meta-knowledge from the original description and the chapter warning. You might have had Twily comment on it earlier. Compared to how things were with Cady, it was clear she was going to get spanked as soon as she begged her mother not to tell him.
But seriously? An Ottoman couch? How... cliché.
Nitpicks aside, like KK said, your Twilight was superb. Cadance has a lot more subdued persona in the series, so she is hard to write. I would have preferred you give her a little more personality, but how to do that? Can't really help there. The ones who really took the cake in this story? Shining Armor and his dad. Perfect characterization and realistic responses from both of them about the events. Knowing what kind of a character Shiny grows up to be, I couldn't have imagined him having any other kind of father than what you wrote. You also used OC's perfectly as in them not being part of the story, but bringing out the main characters and advancing the plot.
All in all, I really like your writing and hope to see more of it. I'm pretty saddened that this only has so little reads.
This story came recommended to me by Isseus, and I pretty much agree with everything he said, really solid characterization and a really high-quality story that absolutely has my upvote.
A couple of criticisms I personally want to add/emphasize though.
Isseus touched on this a bit but I want to stress it a lot more pointedly: the formatting of your line breaks and paragraph breaks was VERY inconsistent and it was VERY distracting for me. You can't seem to decide whether you want to leave a blank line between paragraphs or not, and jump back and forth from one to the other constantly, and that's a problem. Particularly when you still indent a line even after a full blank line between paragraphs. It's either one or the other, but never both. For reference, in print publishing, the commonly accepted standard is to indent with no blank lines for each paragraph, while with online/digital publishing the common standard is to have a full blank line and no indent for each paragraph. i don't personally mind it either way, but whichever you do choose you should be consistent about it across the whole fic.
(as a side note to this, I'm sure you know this rule as well, but you had one case of two different speakers in the same paragraph in the midst of the scene between Cadence and her father, which is a no-no.)
Secondly, this is partly a matter of personal preference, but I found your chapter breaks both unnecessary and poorly placed. I personally would have let this whole thing be a single-chapter oneshot. I understand the mindset/fear that people are put off by walls of words, but that's something I've never bought into. This is a tight-knit short-story, even if it is 14k words long, and short-stories generally aren't broken up into chapters. And what really emphasizes this to me is that the places where you have snipped the fic into chapters don't feel like the end of a chapter. They feel like normal scene changes that you just happened to arbitrarily snip the fic at, and it really shows.
(also what Isseus said about ampersands. It's one thing if they're part of a proper name, like in the name of a law firm partnership or something, but in general prose, and especially in spoken dialogue, it's really really bad.)
Obviously though these criticisms are all purely technical stuff. Your plot and characterization, as I mentioned, were spot-on. I think there was maybe one thing in the entire story I would have written differently, and that would be to make Night Light's dialogue with his son following the accident a tad bit less stiff and formal.
(well, okay, two things: I would have had Shiny and Cadence make amends before the fic ended as well, I realize he was angry but a lot of the stuff he said to her was really not okay and to close the fic without resolving that matter was disappointing.)
So yeah, really enjoyable fic. I know it sounds like I did little else but rip into it, but I criticize because I love. I don't make effort like this for fics that are just generally awful. So take these comments to heart and use it to make yourself better, because you're already quite good, and you definitely deserve more attention for this piece.
Cheers,
--CG
3002247>>3002588
Thanks to both of you for such thorough & insightful critique...it's very useful. Some of the points you made are likely due to my unfamiliarity with FimFiction's formatting; I write offline then copy & paste my stories so the site's text handler twists things up a bit.
I'll send you each a message addressing your specific points. Again, thanks for the feedback. Hopefully I'll have some new stuff soon.
Poor Twilight and Cadence
But cool stroty
Those spankings were WAY too much, both of them.
I can't believe that Velvet would use a hairbrush to spank a filly the age of Twilight. I mean Twilight still doesn't understand what it was she did wrong. She just says what she thinks her mother wants to hear out of fear. Twilight is simply far too young to understand something like that. A small spanking might be okay but nothing of this magnitude, especially since she didn't understand (and still doesn't) what it was she was doing wrong.
Cadence also was way overkill. A hard caning for a common mistake on her first day, Cadence will have to permanently threat extremely carefully with everything. Also grounded for a month?! A week maybe but a whole month!
The punishment also seemed unnecessary, I mean Cadence never seemed to have any illusions that she had lost Twilight and that, that was bad. Also why both? Cadence already was fully in tears after the spanking, the grounding is completely unnecessary.
I hope they can find comfort in each other. With parents like that they are most certainly going to need it.
4602269 I agree with you 100%. The punishments in this story were highly excessive. In fact, I would go so far as to say it was abuse.
i love it she edded it like i do i say a 3 start for you!
wow she got a spanking from her mom it was best part for her!
not to be a nitpicker, but i couldn't help but notice in the first part/section, you used the term "three thousand degrees kelvin." this would have been correct term for Celsius or Fahrenheit, however when one uses kelvin, they don't say degrees before it. It would just be "three thousand kelvin"....dear goddess my inner twilight just came out
i would love to see an aftermath chapter or sequel to this story.
Yeah, they both deserved their spankings.
Cadence wouldn't have been allowed back in my house after this.
I enjoyed the bonding moment between Shining and NIght LIght. Night Light's giving off an Obi-Wan Kenobi vibe.
I feel so sorry for Cadance.
This was a good story and I hope you the best of luck on any other stories your working with.
This story is good story. I think the pacing and characterization are well done.
While I love this story, I still wish the spanking had been Cadence spanking Twilight. Those stories are way too rare.
(Just in case the author ever decides to come back...)
4602269
Nice to see somebody who agrees with me on that. You'd think the trauma from almost dying would be punishment enough, but I guess Velvet has to vent her rage somehow.
As for Cadence...that did not sound fun. The worst I've ever got is a whack to the back of the head, which my dad immediately got chastised for (his parents were not the nicest of people to say the least).
Somehow the severity of the punishment just made the cuddle scene all the sweeter.
10200034
I do think a small punishment was in order but just a token punishment. Like 5 soft spanks and that's it. Just enough to make it very clear Velvet is displeased but no more than that.
With Cadance I do think she should indeed have gotten a punishment. She was entrusted with someone's else's child and she failed. But I think a 5 minute hairbrushing would be sufficient. The cane should only be very very severe cases. Like if Cadance had intentionally harmed somepony or did something especially hideous or dangerous.
10494901
Because they need comfort with parents so harsh. I actually mind Cadance's punishment more than Twilight's because of that cane which leaves deep welts for days and her being grounded for a month. I think it would do her good to be grounded so that she has more time to think about it but that should be something like 3 days to maybe a week at most.
Grounding them for an entire month does nothing but severely harm their social life.
I've got some mixed feelings about this story.
On one hand I get why Mrs. Velvet reacted the way she did, but seeing how scared Twilight was from the incident alone was probably punishment enough. In my scant knowledge of child care I've heard that one should ideally never punish when upset, as it increases the risk of taking one's fear out on the recipient rather than merely punishing for the behavior. I'd say that Mrs. Velvet was walking a fine line here.
I'm not totally for or against spanking, but I do believe that it should only ever be for super serious things like this. I recall hearing a grouchy parent one time on the city bus telling their kid that if they didn't hush up they'd whoop their behind.
Being both a big brother and rather curious person I can also sort of understand Shining, Cadence, and Twilight's behavior. I've done my own fair share of incredibly bad and stupid things and some of which still haunt me to this very day 15+ years later.