I am Beatrice Wilde. I work with Vinyl, though she doesn't necesarily boast about me or anything. I'm kind of a street-mare. Finding out your coltfriend has been screwing other mares isn't the best way to end a relationship. Whatever. Now that I'm working with Vinyl, though, I've been making some money. Almost enough to start renting this apartment I found in Ponyville. Ah, well. Hopefully I can convince Vinyl to give me a raise, or let me crash with her for a while until I get back on my feet. Life is life, y'know? Gotta make the best of it. Although, "best" is a relative term...
Chapters (2)
Ha ha, this seemed quite cute, simple, even random for a beginning of a story. Not that that's bad, mind! I hope I didn't make it sound that way... Anyhow, if this the first chapter of your story then you've done well. If you couldn't tell, I liked it. Could I make some respectfully minor pointers though? I'm not superior or anything like that, I assure you. I just would like to be able to say some things.
1. If you could actually go back, reread this chapter, and maybe explain a bit more background about your pony here - her body color, her cutie mark, her mane, her tail, her eyes, so on - I believe that'd help future readers bond a bit more with her. Of course, your story cover shows your pony OC already but... all that I could really get for personal information about her out of this chap though was the mention of her mother and her furious spark with that buttmunch "Noteworthy". What about her dad? She has - had - one, right?
2. Who is Jade? What is her relationship with your pony? Why are they such good old friends? How did they meet? Again, if you explain Jade's backstory, your readers will come to bond with your story better. That's just this guy's polite opinion though. Polite.
Anyway, now that I'm done being a dick, I'm gonna fav this tale and watch what becomes of Beatrice Wilde. Seriously, despite my nagging, I really did love this chapter of your tale and am looking forward to more. Please, whether you follow my advice or not, keep writing this. Don't leave me hanging. Cheers.
2938375 Don't woory about all of this ^-^ I was going to explain all of this throughout the story. She's quite a mystery pony, even to me. I'm still trying to figure out what she does. I'm writing the second chapter, so it'll be up soon. Then you'll see a little more of her background, with her family as well as Jade. As for the cutie mark, It has only just appeared, (she was insanely drunk at the time) and she can't remember what she did to make it appear. Vinyl helps her with that, and they figure out why it was so loud to her, but quiet for everypony else. Just keep reading (be it this story or not :3)!
~Bea Wilde, Stay Wilde~
P.S.
SPOILER!
Noteworthy comes back around as well...
So, if I may offer my two bits.
The pace here is a bit rapid. Maybe it's just me, but it feels just a bit too quick for me to begin to get invested in any of the characters. For example, Beatrice's relationship with Noteworthy lasts 14 paragraphs. That doesn't quite feel like it's long enough to begin to get invested in it, or the characters.
I barely know Beatrice, so It doesn't hurt so much when Noteworthy betrays her. Unfortunately I don't really have any advice on how you could improve there. Pacing is, I frequently hear, one of the hardest aspects of writing, and there's go way I know of to tell how your pacing is until you finish a the chapter and look back over it.
My only other advice would be to try and get a clear idea of Beatrice as a character.
Beatrice kind of reminds me of my NPC's when I first started out as a DM, which is to say that she's a bit unfocused as a character. It's hard to identify with her because I'm not totally sure what her personality is. What really helped me with my NPC's was to try and think up tons of back story events for them to explain how they got to where they are, and how it's affected them. Where does this character come from? What did they do there? Who were their friends growing up? Starting to think about all my characters like that helped them become more memorable and more human, as opposed to the balls of dialogue they had been previously. (Note that all advice here is coming from a non-writer, and while being a DM has similarities to being an author, not everything translates well.)
Don't get me wrong, I think you have a lovely start here. I enjoy your premise, your dialogue is pretty good, and Beatrice seems to be an enjoyable character so far from what there is. I'd just hate to see you bogged down by little things, that's all.
I'm looking forward to seeing this continue.
I'm sorry for how long this is taking. I really thought I would have another chapter done by now, if not two. Ugh, I've just been locked out of my computer (for a day) and busy working. Hold on, everypony! Update coming soon, and I mean it this time!