The Adventurous Beatrice Wilde

by Beatrice Wilde

First published 26th of July, 2013

We begin in a bar. A small, quaint bar, a bar with a small (small meaning large) history of violence. A bar where ponies go to dance to music, cry in the corner, and meet people. That's pretty much my happy place.

I am Beatrice Wilde. I work with Vinyl, though she doesn't necesarily boast about me or anything. I'm kind of a street-mare. Finding out your coltfriend has been screwing other mares isn't the best way to end a relationship. Whatever. Now that I'm working with Vinyl, though, I've been making some money. Almost enough to start renting this apartment I found in Ponyville. Ah, well. Hopefully I can convince Vinyl to give me a raise, or let me crash with her for a while until I get back on my feet. Life is life, y'know? Gotta make the best of it. Although, "best" is a relative term...

The Beginning- The Bars

Walking down the street, I was mumbling to myself about my coltfriend. He was being unusually jerkish about our anniversary. Normally he would apologize for forgetting, and bring me flowers he picked from the rosebush we had out front. This time shouldn't be any different. So why was it?

He had stalked off in a fit of rage. I had no idea where. When I confronted him about our 3-year-anniversay, he just got really pissed and broke my favorite lamp, and stomped out the door. Completely, 100% out of his mind.

I looked up at the sky, and stopped trotting to the local bar. The night sky made me pause and stare at the wonderful stars, the big, beautiful moon. Princess Luna was the best at what she did. She had definitely earned her right to be a princess. The stars were a glittering blanket of comfort and beauty. A pang of homesickness passed through me; when I was a filly, my mother and I used to camp in our backyard, and watch the night sky for hours until our campfire was nothing but gently glowing embers and we talked to each other about the latest gossip with my friends or her work until we fell asleep, snuggled up under Luna's sky.

And now I had nothing. No family, no friends. Only my coltfriend, Noteworthy. I had wanted to spend our anniversary camping under the stars and Luna's moon and tell him about what me and my mother used to do. I didn't talk about her much. It still hurts, even after twelve years. It did't make sense for him to storm off like that. I wasn't even particularly mad about it- him forgetting our anniversary, that is.

Something about his anger was peculiar.

But, as I continued trotting, I realized that it probably didn't matter. I was about to be drunk, too drunk to remember this, too drunk to remember that I was even drunk. I would be free.

Looking about as I came up to the bar doors, which were open, I realized that something was very strange, indeed. Something like Pinkie-Pie the Party Pony's Pinkie Sense told me that I should be careful. Let's call it intuition.

I was still standing at the doors like a confused filly when a glass shattered against the frame of the door, sprinkling the ground around me. A smile practically splitting my face in two, I yelled, "Hey, Jade, what are ya throwin' glasses at me for?" The deep green mare just nodded and beckoned me over.

I jumped over there, and we wrestled for a moment by the bar. She got me in a headlock and started giving me a rough noogie. "Hey, hey, hey! Ouch, you should have a hoof for your cutie mark instead of that wine bottle!" I yelled. Nothing could really start much of a stir in this place- it was more for wrestling on the tables and smashing glasses- stuff like that. You wouldn't find any of Manehatten's or Canterlot's fancy-schmancy ponies in here. They were wimps.

Sitting on a rough bar stool, I glanced around, not really looking for anything. Jade took her place behind the counter and started rubbing the inside of a glass with a rag. I swear those things are just props- all bartenders have them. "Might wanna look in the corner over there, by the arcade games," Jade said, seemingly talking to no one in particular. I knew the statement was directed at me, though. I looked in the corner- and froze.

Letting out the loudest shriek this bar has ever heard and ever will hear, I pounded over to the broken arcade games and smashed my hooves in them, glass breaking and my hooves and legs getting scraped by it. "Noteworthy," I hissed, aware that everypony had stopped and was watching with intense silence, and my legs were beginning to bleed. Beyond caring.

"Baby, I-I can explain!" Noteworthy said with a pleading tone slipping into his voice. I looked into his eyes. What I saw there wasn't what he wanted me to think he was feeling. There wasn't guilt, sadness, or even embarrassment. Only boredom. Apparently, this was a game.

"'Baby?' No, nonononono! Don't tell me that SHE is your marefriend!" a baby-pink mare cried. In any other circumstance, I would've thought she was pretty and asked her how she did her mane. But this was not the pony, the time, or the place to be friendly.

"Oh, no. I'm not his marefriend- ANYMORE, that is. I advise my EX-coltfriend to go buck himself up the ass with a very large knife," I hissed, storming off after I made my point. Everyone in the bar was gawking at me like I was a freaking goddess or something. I doubted they would've even had the nerve to talk to Noteworthy (him being a fancy-schmancy pony, and all) the way I just did.

I shoved my way through the small crowd that had gathered around the arcade area, tears stinging the back of my eyes. They parted slightly, a few giving me nods of sympathy and pats on the shoulder. I didn't need or want their pity- but at the same time it was comforting. It was comforting to know that these ponies that I had probably never seen before, let alone talked to, cared that I was sad. Bar-ponies really are the nicest ponies- MOST of them, anyway, I corrected myself, realizing that Noteworthy was probably a bar-pony. Apparently there was a lot about him that I didn't know.

Arriving at the door, I heard someone pushing their way to me. "Bea, don't go," I heard Jade say. I took a step out of the door, tears about to fall. "I've got to, Jade. I've got to before- before-" I started hiccupping, and Jade's comforting arms were draped around my neck, calming me down. "Before he realizes that he's won..." I'm sure that my eyes were red and puffy already. I turned to look into her maple-syrup eyes, which were sad and old and wise beyond her years.

"Then, yes. Go. You can crash at my place if you need to; key's under the doormat," she said, kindness evident in her eyes, her grip becoming loose.

"Thank you, Jade," I said, tears welling up. I blinked them away, turned and took a few steps forward, her arms falling away. And I galloped as fast as I could. To the bar down the street. So I could do what I had planned to do; get insanely drunk.

----------

"And then I kicked his bucking ass," I warbled, downing my sixth shot and taking a gulp of my fourteenth beer. "Another shot," I demanded.

Pouring and passing me another shot, this bartender had raised his eyebrows. Was he surprised that I was kicking flank? I mean, I'm pretty, but I'm not a pansy. "Sounds like you've got an adventurous life," he commented, pulling out the prop (the glass with the rag) and started rubbing it.

"Well, nothing special," I said, inspecting my hoof as I wobbled on my stool. This was one of the classier bars. They didn't have many bar fights. Maybe once or twice a month. Damn, the one that I usually went to had bar fights once or twice a night.

"Hey, could you turn the music down?" I half yelled, half dribbled. For some reason my mouth wasn't working properly. Wasn't obeying my commands. I closed it with a snap. There was this awful music blaring in my ears. I downed my next shot and started hiccupping. "There's no music playing," the bartender stated. He must be insane. Or drunk. Only insane or drunk ponies would say that I was lying about music being played.

"Of course there is," I stated, very loudly, and very drunk-like. I got up and started to dance to the beat, even if it was awful. I have a feeling that I mostly just wobbled around.

A strange feeling came over me, and I tossed some bits that I was sure was more than enough to pay for my drinks, and stumbled out the door.

My body carried me, not very steadily, but it carried me. The moon guided me as I followed the beat of the music.

It carried me to a house. No, not 'a' house. The house. Vinyl Scratch's house. I was at THE house! How in the buck did I get here?

The beat.

It carried me to her door, then it stopped. I pounded on the white door. The paint was chipping. She needed someone to repaint. I pounded again, and a very disgruntled white mare with spikey blue hair opened the door. Without hesitating, she pulled me in the house.

Vinyl. Vinyl bucking Scratch.

Was I so drunk that I was hallucinating? I didn't think so. Maybe.

"Will you stop starin' at me like that?" Vinyl asked. "It's not like I'm an extrater- extraterres- alien thing or anything." I pulled in a sudden intake of air, and released my brain-vomit.

"OhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGosh! You'reVinylScratch,TheBestDJInTheEntireFreakingMultiverse,ILoveYouSoMuch!!WillYouAutographMyHooves??OhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGosh!!!" And I was suddenly shut up by a white hoof clamping down on my mouth.

"Shut the buck up!" Hissed Vinyl. "But You're Vinyl Scratch!" I tried to protest, but I have a feeling that the only thing that she heard was, "Mmf Mmmmf MmMm Mmft," because her hoof was still on my mouth. "Promise that you'll be quiet so I can explain to you what I need you to do?" I tried to say yes, but all that was coming out of my mouth was, "Mmmft," so I frantically nodded.

Slowly, she took her hoof off of my mouth and said, "Okay, here's what I need you to do. Listen to this record, and tell me what you think." She marched over to her DJ equipment while I stared in awe. She was going to spin a record so that I could listen to it? Just for me? I'm not crazy or anything, or a fillyfooler, but I was drunk, so I thought this was really sweet. Not creepy. If I was sober, I would have realized how insanely creepy it was that Vinyl Scratch just pulled a stranger into her home and was about to spin records for her.

She nodded at me, and I smiled goofily. She was my IDOL!

And she began to spin the most disgusting music I've ever heard.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold it!" I shouted over the music. She glared at me and took the needle off of the record. "Could you BE any louder?" She said sarcastically, her red eyes burning through her purple glasses. "I swear to Celestia, if you wake up my marefriend, I will buck you up. Twice."

"But the music was awful, and if you don't want to wake up your marefriend, then why are you playing it so loud?" I reasoned. "I was playing it insanely quiet, if you didn't notice," Vinyl spit the words at me. "Why are you so mad?" I wondered. "Because you are being loud, and criticizing my work," she said. "But why am I here, then, if not to help you make it better?" I said, realizing that it must be true.

"I don't know why you're here. You started banging on the door, and I pulled you inside before you could wake 'Tavi up. I see now that it might've been a mistake," She said very calmly. Sheesh, bipolar much?

"Look, I dunno why I'm here," I slurred. "But this music is awful, and I need to fix it. 'Kay?" I said as I stumbled to her DJ system and started screwing around with it. Somehow, I knew what I was doing, and with a few adjustments, I let the record spin.

It was perfect now.

And my flank started burning. I looked at it and realized with a shock, that I had just gotten my cutie mark. Finally. A deep red set of headphones were imprinted on my dark purple flank. Awesome.

"You-you-" Vinyl sputtered. "It's amazing..." She said, in awe. Well, she wasn't the only one. I had surprised my drunk self with my ability to do whatever it was that I just did. And I knew I could do it again. "Yeah, well, that's me. Amazing," I said.

All of a sudden, Vinyl said, "How would you like a job as the main sound tester for me?'

The After-Effects

I woke up not knowing where I was and with a killer hangover.

This scared me. Not knowing where I was, that is. It reminded me of when I ran away from school once. Everybody was making fun of me for being a blank flank, telling me to kill myself because I was rejected by society and rejected by Celestia. I almost took their words seriously. I almost did it. "You're such a bucking loser. A failure to society. You bucking bastard, why don't you just go kill yourself? Your parents would like that, wouldn't they? Joining them. Celestia would say it was a blessing if you were dead. Nobody would notice if you were gone. They'd only notice that they're happier. Don't you see? Nopony loves you." The insults would continue like that... And on, and on...

Snapping out of my reverie, I noticed a white unicorn with a frazzled two-toned blue mane. Obviously my bucking hero. "Vinyl Scratch... Woah," I said, wincing at how dry and cracked my voice sounded. Must've been a hell of a night last night.

"Yeah, yeah. Here's a short run-down of what I know last night- from what I've seen happen to what you've told me. You're coltfriend was cheating on you with a bucking nasty mare, you got insanely drunk and in a bar fight, you came here for some unknown reason, and now you are working for me as the official sound tester for my music," Vinyl somewhat rushed through her explanation, as if in a hurry to be doing something else.

Okay, I thought. This is awesome and depressing at the same time... Noteworthy? Cheating? Ugh. Whatever. I expected at some point, I guess...

"Okay, now, you need to get cleaned up, 'cause if my wife sees you on the couch in the state that you're in, she'll shit herself. Which is even more problematic because when she sees the mess SHE made, she'll shit herself again. Come on," she said, levitating me in her telekinetic grip and standing me on my hooves. Somewhat wobbling, I took off after her- she had already started going down a long, beige hallway.

Huh. You would think that a DJ's house would be trashed all the time and have bold colors... But this is something that... Is unexpected, I thought, bewildered still at being in DJ P0N-3's HOUSE.

Oh my bucking Celestia. I'm in her house. This, right here, is awesome.

I ran into the white mare, who had suddenly stopped in front of a pale pink door. Opening it, she said, "Soap is in the shower, next to the shampoo and conditioner, clean towels are on the rack, and washcloths are under the sink, along with a manebrush. Also, there's a glass of water and some painkillers on the counter- both of which I know for a fact that you need. A'ight?" She said, taking in a big breath of air.

"O-kaay," I said, my throat already yearning for the glass of water. "Good. If you need anything, then just... I guess find me or some shit. I'll be in my studio," and with that, she quickly trotted down the hall, whistling a beat I suppose she was going to create.

Slipping inside the bathroom, I shut the door as silently as I could, wanting to make the least amount of noise as possible so I didn't disturb anypony. Turning around, I saw the water and painkillers laid out on the counter. I almost tripped myself in the hurry I was in to get them. I popped the lid off the painkillers and laid a few out on my tongue and gulped down the liquid.

Nothing could ever have tasted this good, I thought, mesmerized by how thirsty I was. I set the glass down and my reflection caught my eye.

My normally deep purple coat had mud caked to the side, and hunks of fur were missing; my bright red eyes were circled in large, pulsing pink veins; my normally shaggy but stylish black mane was sticking up all over the place, like a tumbleweed had rolled onto my head sometime last night. It reminded me of when my dad was still alive and he- "NO!" I yelled at myself, then immediately regretted it when my already pounding heat beat furiously against my skull- the pain of the suppressed memory trying to come back, and the hangover. Not a good mix.

But there was something staring me right in the face- I just couldn't put my hoof on it.

"Ah, well. I'll figure it out later," I said to myself as I knelt down and opened the cabinets under the sink. Finding the washcloths and manebrush, I pulled them out, setting them on the side of the shower. I turned on the hot water and waited for the mirror to get foggy with steam.

Stepping into the shower, I could almost immediately see muddy water rushing past my hooves. I sighed and used this time to think.

Okay, so what is the last thing you remember from last night? Come on, you stupid pony, think! Giving myself a little pep talk usually helped. Goddammit, Bea... Okay, the last thing I remember is going out to find Noteworthy... Yeah, okay. It was our anniversary. He was avoiding me- again.

Nothing new. Okay. Next thing... A faintly familiar bartender... Green- Jade. Okay, so Jade was there when I got drunk. She might be able to help me out.

Sighing, I let go of trying to recollect anything else. Jade would tell me. I lifted the soap and scrubbed it on my coat, smaller clumps of dirt falling off. I rubbed the rag into my fur, trying to get as clean as possible to look presentable around this house. Obviously her wife was high maintenance.

Fancy-schmancy ponies just weren't my thing (I thought Noteworthy was different, but I was proven wrong), but it was better to not be talked about in my case. I never thought that DJ-P0N3 would have ever married one.

Eh, not my life, not my business.

Locating the shampoo, I squeezed some on my mane and tail, massaging it through. Done rinsing it out, I said, "Ahh, I feel so much better- now where is the conditioner- ah! There it is." Picking it up, I only put a little in my mane and tail, feeling my black mess that I call hair get really soft and smooth.

Cleanliness. I love it.

I turned the faucet off and pushed open the floral curtain, grabbing the clean towel with my teeth and flinging it up in the air, letting it land on my head in which I fiercely scrubbed the water out of. Droplets were sent in every direction, and I felt guilty for making a mess in their beautiful home. Nothing I could do now. Moving the towel to my coat, I rubbed it into my fur to get myself dry. Now my tail. The most infuriating part. I dropped the towel on the floor and sat on it, commencing to wrap my tail in the damp cloth. I made sure it was mostly dry and shook myself to make sure there was no excess water.

Trotting over to the sink, I took the manebrush and pushed it through my coarse hair. Observing myself in the semi-foggy mirror, I realized my coat looked a little frazzled. Not much I could do about it.

Picking up my towel off the floor where it had dropped, I tried to soak up as much of the water as I could that I had flung around the bathroom. Setting it in the basket that was obviously there for dirty clothing and such, I walked out of the bathroom, gulping the cool air.

Now I could explore.

Turning towards the end of the hall that I was sure that we had come down, I giggled to myself, excited that I was able to explore the inside of Vinyl Scratch's house. Surely there was no higher honor?!

I walked down the hall, coming to the living room. The couch was now spotless from where I had slept on it.

I thought I had smelled something- fruit salad and... Pancakes? Yes, that's what it was. Vinyl's favorite food. My stomach grumbled and I realized how hungry I must be.

I followed my nose through a few twists and turns and felt my hooves hit the cool surface of linoleum. I stopped abruptly. There, in the kitchen, was Octavia Philarmonica, undoubtedly one of the most prized and cherished of all of the fancy-schmancy ponies. But also undoubtedly the most beautiful. I had always aspired to be as beautiful as she.

I was in the same house as my idols- both of them. Could it be that Vinyl was married to Octavia? No- no... Octavia was fancy. She despised fillyfoolers and coltcuddlers.

I ran out of time to contemplate. Vinyl trotted in at that time and gave her a peck on the cheek, saying, "'Tavi, we've got a visitor." Octavia replied, "Oh? And where might this visitor be?" Vinyl indicated for Octavia to turn around. She turned, spatula still in hoof, and greeted me with a small, polite smile. "Hello, Miss. Welcome to our home. If I knew you were here before now-" she gave a sideways glare at Vinyl, who just smiled and rolled her eyes, "I would have made more for breakfast. Ah, of little matter. Vinyl and you can help me, and we can learn a little more about each other, yes?"

I gave a shy, sheepish nod, stepping forward with the last bit of courage I had. Now, in any other situation I would approach this head on, no problem. But this was more kindness than I had expected. They had taken me in in the middle of the night, completely shitfaced, and even offered me a job and an opportunity to share a meal with them. Who the buck was I to decline? These were my bucking IDOLS! I'd be an idiot to say no.

With renewed vigor, I took a strong step forward and picked up a spatula of my own.

Half an hour later we were laughing about politics and how Princess Celestia used to be so against same-sex couples, and yet now she was marrying Princess Twilight Sparkle.

"Thank you for letting me take refuge here for the night. This was way more than I could have ever expected of anypony. It means a lot," I said, trying to be as humble as possible so I didn't appear rude.

"Yeah, where do ya think you're going?" Vinyl questioned. "Um... I suppose I was going to go find my friend's house and crash there for a bit. Seeing as how my coltfriend is now my ex-coltfriend... I don't have a choice in this. I can't stay with him with that information."

"Nonsense. You'll have to stay with us. This has been absolutely delightful. Why, I don't think I've had such a wonderful conversation in years!" Octavia said, graceful even when speaking.

"Oh, I really couldn't. I don't wanna be a burden," I replied. "Oh, you're no burden. This has been most enjoyable. You and Vinyl will go to get your things as soon as I put these dishes in the dishwasher," Octavia said, determined that I was staying here. Fine by me, Jade was a messy person. I hated it. Likewise she hated for things to be clean. Or maybe I was still a little tipsy from last night.

Either way it was settled. I was living with Vinyl and Octavia.