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After an Equestria-wide vacation Discord returns to Ponyville, with mixed reactions. During his stay he finds himself caught between his boredom and desire for chaos and not wanting to lose the few friends he has. Will Discord find a way to sate his desire for mayhem and still find a way to do good? What do you think? Just look at the title.
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2892401
Most excellent. Everyone is in character and Discord is very Discordy.
Oh gosh that was amazing! I can't wait to see more!
Fantastic! I'm keeping eyes on this.
SO FAVING! This is a GREAT fanfic!
You haven't watched all of the show? Seriously? This is just about the best fanfic with Discord I've read. Period. Everyone seems in character, Discord in particular and you also manage to capture the more energetic and zany feel that is a big part of the show. Your Pinkie is great, silly, funny, with mood swinging really quickly and the way she suddenly gets out the party cannon feels so much like the show. Alot of fics either have Discord too "normal", too apologetic or have everyone be too accepting of him, but you perfectly capture how it should be, everyone giving him the slightest benefit of the doubt while he keeps being a huge troll, just in the obnoxious way instead of the monstrous way.
All in all, your characterwork and specifically the dialogue is close to perfect and so is a lot of the events.
In terms of pure grammar, you have some work to do though. Here are the long list of things I felt was off:
"He gently knocked on the door.“ As it is the start of a paragraph, I think you should use "Discord", not just "he", in the interest of clarity.
"Rainbow Dash had had enough. She darted over to Discord and gave him a piece of her mind, or as best she could with her mouth clamped shut." You kinda contradict yourself when you say she gives him a piece of her mind, while she actually can't. I suggest "...Discord, intent on giving him a piece of her mind, but she only managed a show of angry gestures and indignant words that were completely indecipherable because of her forcibly closed mouth." Or something like that. The main point is that she attempts but fails to give him a piece of her mind, which is not quite what I see written in your text.
“Well hello there,” Discord responded, wrapping one arm around her and gave her a friendly noogie with the other. “And just how’s my favorite pegasus doing?” Should be "giving", not "gave". It should be in the same form as "wrapping".
"However, I still believe you all should be ready to oversee him and stop him should he step out of bounds." Should probably be "out of line". "Out of bounds" is not quite the same.
"Within moments Luna’s chariot, pulled by her bat-winged stallions, quickly came into view. “I am sorry to ask this of you on a holiday night such as this, but-“" Lose the "quickly", that is implied just fine in the "Within moments."
"“Unfortunately he’s right Rainbow dear, you should really should be a bit more focused on your manners,” a familiarly elegant sounding voice stated.
“Is now really tha’ time for that?” said another voice with a heavy accent." Lose the "with a heavy accent." That there is an accent here is perfectly clear from the way you write AJ's comment, no need to spell it out again after we have already seen the accent.
"With another snap and flash a 10 foot tall glass with a red and white striped silly straw long enough to stretch down to the ground appeared outside.
With another snap the long awaited cotton candy cloud appeared above it and rained the brown sweet liquid into the glass… which filled from left to right. " One, use letters to write numbers. That is just one of the weird little rules. So write "ten" not "10". Also, I suggest just writing "and rained the sweet brown liquid into the glass, which filled from left to right", without hte ... and the italics. The italics seem a bit too much to be "wow this is incredibly". It is incredibly, but the narrative voice shouldn't shift so much. Just writing it almost casually, makes the weirdness of Discord being around much better and more, well, casual, like it felt in the show. I hope I make sense.
“Good ta see ya back, sugarcube!” said Applejack.
“Likewise, dear!” Rarity chimed." Might just be me, but it sounds like Rarity is answering AJ, which is unfortunate. The "likewise", at least in my experience, usually go Greeter: "good to see you", and Greetie: "likewise". So I recommend Rarity saying something else to the effect of being glad to see Twilight.
“Now now, you shouldn’t lie Sparkle,” Discord teased with a smug." You missed a word after "smug".
“Sorry to disappoint you,” she apologized, laying on the sarcasm extra thick." Don't use "apologized" when the character doesn't mean it. I suggest "she said, the thick layer of sarcasm leaving no doubt that she was not sorry at all" or something like that.
"Rainbow Dash glared at Discord, ready to pounce lest he try anything, and Angel Bunny still clung to his spot on the couch." "Lest" is not quite the right word here. I suggest just using "if".
" But despite the tranquility there was still something odd and it took Twilight a minute to realize what is was:" The "odd" seems a little alone, I suggest something like "But there was still something odd about the deceptive tranquility and..."
“Ok Discord, here’s what’s going to happen,” the Alicorn began, ignoring his question completely. " Alicorn, like pegasus, is not a title, but a species. You wouldn't write "leopard" with capitalization, so alicorn shouldn't either.
“Jus’ don’t give me a reason not ta, get me?” she responded with a harsh look." I suggest "...responed, giving him a harsh look."
"She turned to the draconequus before continuing, shooting daggers from her eyes. " I don't think you can turn the phrase like that. I suggest "her eyes shooting daggers". It's just one of those almost set phrases that feels like it can only be used in certain ways.
“Spike should be back at the library with the Elements of Harmony by now, let’s all go to get them and cool off,” she ordered. “And Discord, stop being so… so you for a minute.”
The pegasus snorted before flying out the door, not waiting for anyone else to catch up. The draconequus simply shrugged and went back to his hot chocolate." Here, I suggest using "Rainbow Dash" instead of "The pegasus", because the latest character to be mentioned is Twilight, so you shoul be clearer.
Hope at least some of this makes sense and is useful to you. This is a great opening, me being nitpicky means that I enjoy what you write enough to want to help, and I hope you can keep up both steam and quality. Looking forward to more. Happy writing.
2913504
Thanks for the compliments and the critique, I really appreciate it. And yes, I have yet to watch most of the show. A lot of my understanding comes from comics and TV Tropes (which I am addicted to by the way [HELP ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!]). As such one character in particular I feel I don't have a very good understanding of is Rarity, which I hope won't be too big of a problem seeing as how she doesn't play a huge role in the story. My main concerns will be Fluttershy, Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Luna, Celestia, and of course Discord. As long as I can get them down I'll feel good.
And I don't mind all the nitpicks, I definitely need help with grammar. Kinda depressing how someone who's an aspiring writer can't do grammar good (that last mistake was intentional).
Anyway, I hope to get the next chapter done within about a month, so I'll hope you'll be back!
Once again, I really appreciate it!
You haven't even seen all the episode of FiM? You haven't even seen all the episode of FiM?!!!
Now that is quite the surprise...for this is one of the better fanfics I've read with Discord in it.
The thing that surprises me the most, is that even though you haven't seen even most of the episodes, YOUR CHARACTERS ARE WRITTEN ALMOST IDENTICAL TO THOSE IN THE SHOW. Each character acts the way I would suspect them to, and its a beautiful thing to see. Keep up the good work, I hope to see more from you.
This is amazing. Definitely gonna put this on alert. Eager to see the next chapter.:D
Very curious cliffhanger. Good way to leave us eager for more.:D And lol, loved the bit with Rainbow Dash in a maid outfit. XD
'nough said
Uh Discord, you out of all people have no right to call someone megalomaniacal, just saying.
Ooooh I like where Discord is going with this........
Again, I have to say that you probably write the most consistently good and interesting Discord. You really capture his personality and the fact that he constantly does something is perfect, showing his chaotic nature and his incredible power. You even make him feel in character when he is apologetic, though it really helps that he gets petulant if his earnestness is rejected. And the others feel pretty spot-on too. You do this incredibly well.
That's why I will now reveal a slew of grammar errors and other nitpicks to polish your narrative:
"seeing as how the were wearing their respective element jewelry on." Uh, seems you mashed two ways of saying the same together. I suggest "seeing as they were all wearing their respective element jewelry."
"something they were aware could happen but that didn’t seem likely." A little clunky.I suggest "something they knew could happen, but didn't really expect to actually experience." Or something like it.
"The unicorn threw a net with magic, successfully having it land on her target. The earth pony threw a lasso that ensnared the being over the net, restraining it even more." Isn't the being "under" the net? Not "over"? Also, I suggest "successfully landing it on her target."
"Gimme back mah hat!” He, can't read that without remembering a book I read with that being the most important sentence in the book. Sorry, had to mention it.
"As he finished counting a battle cry could be heard," I suggest a comma after "counting".
"and Scootaloo smiled as they saw a rainbow streak heading right towards them, the cyan pegasus coming into view." A little clunky, the latter sentence doesn't naturally follow on the first. I suggest rewording it slightly, though I can't quite remember the word I'd use to connect the sentences properly.
"Rainbow Dash was too late to stop herself and got caught on the device and was flung back the way she came." I suggest removing the last "was".
“That’s what you think, “ Pinkie retorted," Too much space between the comma and ".
“Twilight? What’s she gotta do with this?” Applejack asked." I'm not sure, but that's a weird place to put "gotta". I know that's slang for "got to do", but I have just never heard someone use "gotta" in that specific way. I suggest the "got to do".
"just then a violet flash of light appeared nearby and an alicorn soon took its place." I suggest "nearby, fading to reveal an alicorn". Yours is just a little off, mostly the "took its place".
"From the draconequus came a snerk. " What's a snerk? Never seen that word. A snort would work just the same I guess.
"As the draconequus finally settled down so did the rest of them," Weird place to use "so did the rest of them". It's not wrong, just a little odd. I suggest "As the draconequus finally settled down, the rest of them also slowly composed themselves,"
" Rainbow Dash gave Rarity an annoyed looked but merely shrugged and flew after them." It's "an annoyed look,"
"her expression neutral and her eyes gazing hard at the trickster god." Odd to say "the eyes gazing hard", at least to me. I suggest something like "her expression was neutral, but her eyes scrutinized the trickster god."
This was real nitpicking and mostly small things, half of which definitely are matters of taste. Still, I think your story is so good that I wanted to add these small tidbits in attempt to polish it even further.
Great work, looking forward to more.
Happy writing.
3189484
Once again, thank you for all the little tidbits here and there. It happens something that I end up changing the tense of a sentence halfway through because I got distracted, or that a just did notice a missing word or something else. Hoping to hear back from you again for chapter three!
3193994
Unless you suddenly lose all ability to think and write, I can assure you I will be back. This is too good to stay away from.
3182311
Thanks, glad you enjoy. And yeah, I was tryin to decide between that and a cheerleader outfit that read "Discord's #1 Fan" on it.
Hope to see you back for chapter 3!
3209988 I'll certainly do so.^^ Oh, here's a thought. With how much Rainbow argues with others, saying she can't stand certain types of mares. And to help her understand them better, he has it so she ends up seeing through some of the viewpoints that she hates. Like hyperactive perky girl, or frou-frou girl, etc. Though since he's reformed, he'd only have the effects be temporary. Though, that's just an idea. Your story after all.^^
Your Discord is both sarcastic and annoying.
I love it! You have a great talent for dialogue. Every character was perfect. And Discord's gags were perfect. The dog biscuit bit was especially gut busting.
Truly true to the show. Keep it up.
Amazingly done. And I honestly would love to see a sequel to this. XD
3336485 Well you're in luck, because this fic is technically a prequel! Check the author's comments for details!
And I'm glad you stuck with it the whole way. Thank you.
Well, sucks to be the Changelings.
You... are something else. The drama is ACTUALLY authentic! It's strung together impeccably well with the show, and I'm more than confident you've got nice complicated plot to string us with. Good lord. I haven't seen Discord captured so well since...
Like. Fave. Follow. Keep being awesome.
Craine...
PS: This had BETTER be in the feature box by tomorrow!
3339298 Thank you very much!
A feature would be fantastic, but honestly even just the little comments here and there is enough. I hope the rest of the fic meets your expectations!
3339273 Unfortunately, I won't be revisiting this story line.
However, this is actually a prequel that was inspired by a series of comics on deviantart by HowXu. There are for comics in particular that relate to this, but I honestly recommend checking out all this stuff because it's awesome!
Anyway, glad you liked and thanks for the read!
3341954 I'm afraid I'm still confused.
3342219 Indeed it is. Although, to be perfectly accurate, this is the prequel.
And here are the originals! Enjoy!
Chrysalis Part 1
Chrysalis Part 2
Sombra Part 1
Sombra Part 2
Also, read the artist comments, they give an extra laugh or two.
This was great fun, and as I said last time, you write a fantastic Discord, both in his dialogue but also in the way he constantly does weird stuff, which is very important to making him feel right.
Kinda sad that it ends here. I know it's supposed to lead up to those comics, but still. Not the least because my experience with fan comics is bad and I have a hard time imagining them living up to this quality, so I think I'd have rather seen you write the whole thing. Oh well, I'll see how good those comics are.
Good job. And all the group hugs were hilarious. Generally, all physical contact between Discord and anyone is hilarious in your fic.
Yeah, as I thought, I like your fic more because the comics, while funny and sweet, are too short and just not the same. I would love to see a full fic of Discord reforming Chrysalis or Sombra.
3363723 Hm... I may consider it, but It'll take quite a bit of planning and motivation. Also, got several more projects under the works like "Myth of the Blues Traveler" that I just put up here and a crossover that I'm really looking forward to.
Anyway, I'm very glad you stuck with this to the end and your positive feedback and constructive criticism are always welcome.
BTW, is there a particular joke or gag you enjoyed? My personal favorite to write in the whole fic was when Celestia woke up.
Yeah, the issue with good, long writing is planning. Many people make a great first chapter and then the quality just sort of vanish as the story goes longer. I guess that's one thing that you avoid with making this a short prequel to some other work. And you, of course, should write what you have the motivation and ideas for.
Think the group hugs were among my favorites because I can just see the "flash, everyone getting hugged by Discord, most of them not happy with it". Generally, when he gets into the ponies' personal space. But keep up the food gags two, the most iconic Discord moment in canon is, in my opinion, the "fill up glass with cocoa from the top, drink glass instead of liquid and throw the liquid over the shoulder to explode."
Then again, don't get predictable either. But you seem to have a good mind for some weird things he can do.
I'll keep an eye one you.
Discord you are hilarious! You portrayed him and the Mane 6 perfectly! Same with the CMC! I wonder what Discord is planning?
Good Lord I love your Discord! He is hilarious! Even funny enough to make Celestia mad. He out trolled the troll who simply trolled him back!
Eager for this to be continued.
5119114 Sorry, but look at the completed tag in the bottom. If you want a continuation look for the author on deviant art.
Nice start. Gonna check those comics out, too.
This can only end well.
I like your Discord.
... Dis gun b gud.
Poor Chryssie. Though, maybe that'll give her did for her people.
Let's just hope she can calm her subjects down over distance.