Just some author that lives in Chicago with a simple dream to become one of the most elite authors on this site, but for now, I must work my way up.
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Applejack has been thinking about her parents death all her life. But when a picture shows up in the photo album she'll think even deeper. RainbowDash is the element of loyalty she's slightly more loyal than Applejack can Rainbow help her best friend cope with the her parents death or will she change the Applejack we all know and love.
I wrote this to show that AJ is unloved and has a horrible life but for all you AJ fans Im one too. Hope u enjoy.
P.S. Applejacks the best pony.
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'parents, but just forget about the past(, and) always remember'
'Rainbow(,) thank yah fa (fer) tha (the) info.'
(I used to be an editor)
The rest was perfect... and the story is brilliant! Keep going.
Thank you
Okay, okay. That was nice, but for the mistakes of chapter one.
"I think I deserve a break for now I'll take a quick peep at the family album." Applejack thought to herself.
That part feels a bit rushed. You might wan't to space out the time and the thoughts. Example:
"I think I deserve a break for now." She said as she was curious of how she was going to look into her family's album, and how the thought crossed her mind earlier." Now I'll take a quick peep at the family album."
And another. This is the second one I found.
RainbowDash had an assignment to clear the clouds above the mountain. "HUGH!", "Why do I have to be a pegasus?" Rainbow asked herself.
Rainbow Dash is two words. And you might want to take a personality test there, because Rainbow Dash has always thought it was a gift to be a Pegasus. Why would she question herself for it?
And the rest is just punctuation. Your doing great! You just need to check;
• Your paraphrasing
• Your punctuation
• And most importantly, character traits.
Don't worry, I was just like you when I very first started writing. But practice is perfect! Keep up the good work!
~theviciouskiller
viciouskiller i know rainbow loves being a pegasus but sometimes she lazy but ill take your word for it
Ehh..
Every thought of breaks on your train?
Think of it like this
Writing is like riding a bicycle without breaks.
You are going to use this bicycle for a tour, and you are going to take a picture of so many things as possible.
You start on a 500 meter long road, and your plan is to reach the monument at the end of your road.
You start off by racing away with the bike, and go as fast as you can to reach the monument.
But what happens? You crash at the end. You didn't see any cool stores or paintings and you didn't get any cool pictures or anything because you rushed past them. The only picture you got is the picture of the monument.
What you should have done;
You should have gone slowly. Then you can look around for more things to photograph. In the end, you can stop the bike and take that picture of the monument. And now suddenly, you got 35 cool pictures and memories instead of one.
Try to think about it like that.
2982841 then you took an arrow to the knee....
Welll....
*cough*bike-and-tour*cough*
I sincerely hope that you are not a child because I am about to unleash some harsh criticism here.
You write childishly. "Applejack was Applebucking, doing her usual thing on a sunny Sunday" is not an elegant sentence. It's one where you tell instead of showing. The phrase "doing her usual thing" is unnecessary.
For that part you may want to describe how the tree felt against her hind-legs.
I don't know why AJ would feel that she deserves a break.
I'm sorry but this whole story felt trite, and the grammar was not awful, but the word choices fell flat. I couldn't get a clear picture.
I sincerely hope that you are not a child because I am about to unleash some harsh criticism here.
You write childishly. "Applejack was Applebucking, doing her usual thing on a sunny Sunday" is not an elegant sentence. It's one where you tell instead of showing. The phrase "doing her usual thing" is unnecessary.
For that part you may want to describe how the tree felt against her hind-legs.
I don't know why AJ would feel that she deserves a break.
I'm sorry but this whole story felt trite, and the grammar was not awful, but the word choices fell flat. I couldn't get a clear picture.
Not the best fan fic I've read but also not the worst.
2989711 thank you for saying its decent cause im a begginer
It's... ok but it's good enough to get a like.
2991232 thanks
2986387 I never got married.
*clicks on fic*
*sees sad tag*
well, next fic.
... too short.
3013182 at least its over 1,000
Keep it up!