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Daring Do and Ahuizotl60 stories ·281 members
Daring finds herself in the Equestria jungle, with a creature that she has never dealt with before. She is out looking for a legendary stone that used to belong to the only king in equestrian history. but the stone is in the kings tomb, which has never been seen by anypony since his death.
I don't know what to write besides this, so you'll just have to read it to find out the rest.
Rated teen for small use of language
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I saw the length of everything here and decided to wander on in. Your writing has a lot of flaws. There are many spelling mistakes of the variety that pass through spell checks--this leads me to believe that you didn't reread through your own writing. Similarly you make a great deal of grammar mistakes. These are basic elements of English that you are lacking. Beyond this you also make a lot of consistency mistakes, for instance your title calls her "Daring Do", and in the first paragraph you call her "Daring Doo". There are also a lot of word choice errors, and you especially seemed to have problems getting the right definite article.
As far as style goes, you are similarly woefully inadequate. Most of the time you resort to basic laundry lists of actions punctuated by narration thrown in in the most tell-y of ways. The #1 suggest I can give you about crafting an engaging story is the maxim "Show, don't Tell". Instead of telling me:
(This is also in the present tense, and you're writing a past tense story. A big no-no.)
You can show me that the night is approaching by having Daring observe her surroundings:
(An example of the concept)
The best piece of advice I can give you, though, is read. Read well written things. Read them and ask yourself why they work. Another source of reference you can use is the Writing Guide that the site provides. It can be found under the FAQ menu option next to your favorites.
Hope this helps, cheers.
For the most part I'm going to have to agree with 2951561 on everything he said. Yes, reading is a great way to become a better writer and the Writing Guide will help. But if you can do it I would find someone to help you edit as you write, not just this story but whenever you do it, like a teacher or even a friend who has had some success.
Your paragraphs themselves were full of errors and you use diction that doesn't really fit.
For example this paragraph...
could go something like this.
Now, by no means am I the person to ask how best to wright this. But none of the 'conceptual' content was changed and the paragraph is now easier to understand with fewer grammatical errors and it flows better with a more colorful use of diction (diction - word choice).
For the story itself, I will say that I like the concept and the pictures I think your trying to paint. So, I believe you've got good ideas, and with writing improvement you could put out some really good stuff.
The only other things I can think to say would be that you might have the story progress a little slower (but that could just as easily be me) and that I really hope you continue writing and improving your skills.
Hope this helps.
Let me know if you have any questions.
2960693 Thank you for the comment, At first I was mad and thought that you were really cock, and decided not to read the comments, but I really do take that back. I see how bad I am at grammar. Thanks for the help, and I will be working on proof reading.