Betrayal at House on Everfree Hill

by Draequine

Locked!

As the final hapless adventurer crossed the threshold into the house, the door slams behind him with a startling bang.

"Oh my!" Exclaims the professor, "That was quite rude of that colt, just shutting the door on us like that." He adjusts his glasses as he examines the entrance hall and its occupants.

---

From observing the exterior of the house on Everfree Hill you'd think that it has been abandoned, what with the boarded windows, overgrown weeds, and it's apparent state of extreme disrepair. The inside is no different, covered wall-to-wall in peeling paint, cracked plaster, and mysterious stains. The furniture, while surprisingly intact, is covered in an inch thick of layer of dust. The wood flooring however, is anything but sturdy. Numerous holes are scattered about the hallway giving you a spotty view of the basement below.

Also, your theory that this house is abandoned must have been wrong. The lights are still on, and the radiators are hot to the touch. This gives you little reassurance as you look further down the hall and past the foyer.

The centerpiece of the hall is a red ratty carpet leading to a grand staircase at the other end of the hall. You could have sworn that the house was only one floor high when you looked at it from the outside. In fact, the house didn't look large enough to contain any more than a bedroom or two, much less a hallway this large. Something about this place is just... off.

Let's move on to the guests then.

---

"Mr. Marsh! What a pleasant surprise." Lolly gushes. "Isn't just 'spooky' here?" She rolls her eyes.

Haunted huh? As if! She thinks to herself. Their isn't anything remotely supernatural about this dump, but it's atmosphere is to die for.

---

So what is the connection between Professor Marsh Willow and Lolly Ringlet? Well, early in Lolly's career, she played a major part in a well known classic, Star Fire: The Alien Pony From Outer Space!. She was the Smooze, the gooey villainess bent on world muckination. At that time Professor Marsh was dabbling in costume design. They had plenty of time to chat since the costume had taken several hours to create and apply it. Not an entirely pleasant start to a friendship, but certainly unforgettable.

---

"Professor, now that we're finally here, what should we do?" Morning Steady asks, keeping her distance from Rocky Strap.

"Okay man, where do you want this?" Rocky says numbly.

---

Morning Steady is currently working as an aide for the Professor. Rocky has no choice but to work for Marsh thanks to community service. Strangely, these positions don't stay filled for long.

---

There is a loud crash. Every pony looks toward the sound and find two foals frantically shoving a pile of shards under the carpet.

"He did it!" Twiggy shouts, wagging a hoof at Short Square.

"Nuh-uh! She did it!" Short announces, wagging his hoof with equal vigor.

---

Both these foals are here thanks to a series of dares that neither of them refused to back down from. Who started it remains to be discovered.

---

"What in Equestria are you foals doing here?!" Marsh shouts," You don't belong anywhere near here!"

The Professor reaches for the door and grabs the handle. He gives a tug... and then another tug.

"Oh dear..." He says to himself.

"What's wrong Professor?" Morning asks, slightly worried.

Marsh Willow slowly turns around, a bead of sweat trickling out of his mane. "It's locked!"

Comments

[Trebass]

I think you can do some very interesting things with the concept and plotline you have. You just have to find another way to hook the viewers, in my opinion this is rather uninteresting and confusing for me. Although I believe this story is meant for people who have experienced this 'Betrayal at House on the Hill'. But to me, a reader who has never heard of this, it didn't hook me in at all.

Although I found the character introductions interesting, albeit different.

~Trebass

[E3gner]

Yeah, this story has potential, but it needs interesting stuff. I like the style of writing that you're going for, but there needs to be something more.