Filling The Hole That Was Left Unchecked
The crisp night summer breeze wafted into the weather-worn barn that has been the Apple's tool shed and greatest construction for as long as anybody could remember.
The breeze slowly swirled around the barn in a graceful movement that would even leave Rainbow Dash jealous.
It began streaming throughout the bottom half of the barn, leaving behind a trail of soft, cool air in its wake, making even the most heated of ponies become cool with the slightest of touch.
It made its way up to the second floor of the barn when it was stopped by the sound of a series of sniffling and sobs. At first the sobs sounded all over the place because of the hollowness of the barn, so it was leaving an echo effect. It finally pinpointed where it was coming from and made its way over to the side of the barn where there was a pile of hay that looked as if it was washed clean neatly piled in a bunch, and a hump could easily bee seen underneath what looked like a velvet blanket with apples etched on the edges and a red outline.
The breeze came up to the hump and saw a particular orange pony with freckles dotted on her cheeks, which were currently tear stained, and was cradling an olden stetson near her chest, more than likely a family heirloom. She was mumbling unintelligible words and only said two words that made any sense to the normal ear: mother and pappa, only it was hard to translate what with all of the stuttering and hiccups that were corrupting her speaking.
The winds slowly came up to her and swirled around her as if comforting her from whatever hardship that was plaguing her, but began to disappear when a voice echoed through the barn.
"AJ?"
The mare in question jerked up in astonishment at the sound of her name and looked over at the broad shouldered stallion that had uttered it.
The stallion was a tough looking red pony that had a blonde mane that shimmered a bit in the small shreds of moonlight that was entering the barn. She sighed in relief when she realized who was the one addressing her.
"Big Mac, what're y-ya doing h-here?" she managed to stutter out in between the repetitive hiccups.
"Looking for you, of course," Big Mac said in his deep throat southern accent, slowly walking up to her position. Once he was close enough to her, he started taking in the details of his poor sister. Her mane was disheveled, tossed, frizzy, and just a mess in general. Her nose, dripping with the heart ache of a terrible tragedy, and her beautiful gleaming eyes were bloodshot and had bags underneath from all the time she was releasing her emotions in silent.
"Applejack, what's a matter?"
Applejack shot her brother a look of befuddled anger and sorrow.
"What's a ma- Macintosh! It's Father's Day, for Celestia's sake! And ya know what that means?"
Big Mac opened his mouth to speak but was silenced by Applejack raging on.
"We're left alone to be tormented by the dark fact tha' we don' know where our father is! Hell, he could be dead!"
"AJ! Don't think like tha-"
"Well, how am I suppose to think, huh? Think that our father is alive? I was told to never lie, and that's just like telling Celestia that she's not a princess! A big fat lie!" Applejack spat at her brother, her eyes full of pure anger.
"How do you think this makes me feel? Everyday I think of how I'm the man of the house now and how I'm suppose to keep mah family intact, and one of those things is ta always be upbeat so that we don't lose ourselves like other families! Do you want that, AJ? Do you?"
Applejack scooted back, shocked at the anger seething off of Big Mac, "Ah never knew...A-ah'm....."
She couldn't hold it in anymore, she lied down where she was and cried, she cried as hard and as loud as she would ever know. Big Mac saw this immediately before her first tear dropped, quickly raced up where AJ was, and slowly alleviated her by hugging her and stroking her mane.
"Ah'm sorry, Applejack. Ah've never told anyone that before, and it was so hard to share it because Ah never wanted anyone ta worry 'bout me," Big Mac stopped stroking her and held her face up to his, "Ah just want ya ta know that you're not alone. Applebloom, Granny, and I are all suffering the same plight as you are, but we can get through this together, as a family. Do ya promise to always remember?"
Applejack looked into Big Mac's soft green eyes and saw complete sincerity. She got up off the pile of hay and shook herself off before smiling and saying, "Eeyup."
"Good, because if ya don't, Ah'll super glue a note to yer head to make ya remember" Big Mac joked, standing up as well, and walking with her down to the base of the barn, "we better hurry back or Granny Smith and Applebloom will be more worried about us than it already is."
"Well, what're we waiting fer?" Applejack giggled as she raced out of the barn toward the house. Big Mac, seeing this as a challenge, took off after her, leaving the warmth of the barn.
The cool air gently blew on AJ's face as she raced as fast as her legs could carry her to the kitchen where Granny would most certainly would have a fresh apple pie waiting for them.
Momma, pappa, if yer up there, please know that Ah'll love ya'll for all for longer than all the stars in the sky and beyond, Applejack thought to herself as she came up to the house.
She stepped onto the porch and turned around just in time to see Big Mac jump right next to her, breathing for oxygen.
"Dang, I can't remember when you were this fast," he gasped, sitting down to rest.
"Are you that surprised? I'm growing up, just like Granny Smith always said," Applejack said, grinning at how Big Mac looked.
"Nah, I'm not surprised, but I'm surprised that you won't be able to beat me to the kitchen."
"Wait, wha-" Applejack was cut off by Big Mac racing by her and entering the house. Applejack smiled at her brother's trick and quickly raced after him. Just before she took a step inside, she swore she heard the pasting breeze ruffling her mane say, "We love you, our lil' Applejack."
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- Tempered Steel · 4.3k words · 29 0 · 512 views
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I'll be frank, the story concept is not half bad, even if not exactly novel, but after the introduction, which was really good by the way, it lost its pacing and went into full speed mode. The "conflict" came and went, there was almost no resolution in between.
Not sayin this should have been super long, jist that it would be better if it was a bit longer, mor dialog between AJ and BM, if anything just to steady the pace of the narrative.
All in all, a decent read with plenty of room for impovement.
2846163
Thanks for the comment. I could use all of the help I can get. I'll admit, the story line just went by in a flash. I keep that in mind next time. It's just that when you've stopped writing fiction for a while, you can't think of good ideas or keep up, you know? So, thanks, I'll make it a bit longer next time.
2848484
I...don't exactly know how to reply to that, but thanks, I guess.
Unfortunately, you have a few too many errors to warrant inclusion into the Good Grammar Directory at this time.
The errors are as follows:
Run-on sentence and spelling error:
Subject/verb agreement
Should be "were corrupting," not "was corrupting."
Please fix them and we will be more than happy to include your story in the Good Grammar Directory.
You may re-submit it into the submissions folder whenever you are ready.
Cool, I'll go ahead and add it.
Okay, my opinion on this.
The introduction is very good, sets the scene well. Some of the words were unnecessarily flowery, but I was generally grounded in the narrative.
After that, though, I'm afraid the pacing went crazy and suddenly sped up, and it just generally fell flat. The dialogue didn't really have any emotional impact to it and AJ seemed to whiplash from sadness to joy in a heartbeat.
All in all, not bad, but it could really use some improvement. The word choice was good, the imagery in the intro was great, but the rest was lacking.
2877106
Yeah, I've been getting that from time to time, and I'll admit: I did rush this a bit, because it only took me a few hours to make and I didn't really go over it, but all off that will change, trust me.
I think this story was pretty good but my only concern was the problems with the pacing and description. Other than that the story was pretty good and I can't wait to read more from you.
~Sylpheed
2906332
Trust me, I get a lot of problems with pacing from this story, and I was waiting for someone say something about the description, because I'm terrible with them.
Thanks for taking the time to comment!
2906338
It's no problem, I always take the time to comment on stories and tell if I like them or not.
Make that almost always. You don't always comment on stories.
True. Either way, I think that it was pretty fun to read, and if you ever need help then I would love to help/proof-read. Although I'm not the best at writing, so it'll be a learning experience for all of us.
Yeah, all of us, seeming as how he'll drag me along.
~Sylpheed and Eli
A lovely story. All the other comments are correct, of course, but it was a nice, quick read. Though I think you made Big Mac talk in these thousand words more than he's talked in all three seasons (with the exception of Heart and Hooves Day).
Sweet! Really nice!
this was a heartfelt upbeat story, at a trying time for applejack. I admire mac for his words of encouragement for his beloved sister. she needs all the encouragement he can give her at these times. he is a very caring big brother. I was under the impression that both their parents were dead, but this may be before that tragedy.
That was so beautiful.