This is the story of a 13 year old Brony who has become is OC Bright Spark and has been teleported into Equestria into the middle of the Everfree forest. through-out his adventure he will learn magic, stand up for ponies and make a life-changing decision.
Page generated in 0.119 seconds
Total duration
717 users online
648,393 hits today, 2,107,360 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Diamond Tiara. Silver Spoon. OC self-insert alicorn with a crossover human tone. Comedy. CMC. Mane Six.
25.media.tumblr.com/62233bfe35886e4d881bbb1a45e0379d/tumblr_mkvknou8Wc1r0jlbgo1_400.gif
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/26650302.jpg
2832186 929chan.us/kusaba/mlp/src/131887587288.gif
Self-insert alicorn OC?
noobstore.com/prodimages/tshirt-m-gtfo-Green-art-280.gif
I like the story bro, but you've got some errors when ponies are speaking. For instance, when the cutie mark crusaders are introducing themselfs to bright spark, you should seperate their quotations, so instead of writing:
If two different ponies/people are speaking, generally you would seperate it into different paragraphs, it would be easier to read if it was:
Well any way, Thats my imput on a good start to a story, keep up the good work. Ps. As a side note, slow down the story a bit, focus on details.
2832237
Thanks a bunch for the feedback, I'll try to slow it down and I'll review all the parts you mentioned.
This isn't terrible for your first start though it definitely needs some work. I think putting the main character/your OC as an alicorn kind of made it seem too powerful or unusual, even if it was your OC. A unicorn or a pegasus would have been fine. Their are a lot of mistakes in general, particularly with dialogue and some careless errors such as. . .
"Spike was able to grab the class of milk using his claws while Twilight used magic to." I believe you mean 'glass' here.
" 'Also he's an Alicorn! Everypony without a Cutie Mark will want to join!' Scootaloo said a bit to loudly." Wrong form of 'to'. Too would be the right form.
"After half an hour of talking, maths and writing the bell rings signalling the start of break." First thing, it is 'a' hour not 'an' hour. Secondly, 'maths' should be changed to math. Also, there should be a comma between 'rings' and 'signaling' and signaling only has one 'l' in it.
Those are just a few examples. I think you could make this fic a whole lot better by some simple proofreading (or possibly getting an editor). In addition to that, take time to describe important scenes. I'll favorite just to see what happens with this story.
2832257
Thanks aswell for the feedback. I will try and find somepony to proof-read the next chapters.
Same flaws as every BiE story.
The MC is bland, he have no personnality, no backstory. He don't care about what happen to him, he don't care about losing his past life, his friends and his family. He don't care about a new body or being in a fictionnal world. You can't relate to a character like this.
EDIT : and being a Brony remove every struggles or discovery from the story, the MC know everyone and he's never surprised or amazed, wich is really lame description/interraction wise.
And you have all of the really boring and overused clichés of the brand; Alicorn OC, Human turned Pony, land in Everfree Forest, meet the CMC then Fluttershy, all while not giving a flying feather about anything.
You know that a filly is a female right ? Because so far nothing in the descriptions make me think that the MC is anything but a male.
As for the technical part, always ONE speaker per paragraph, never more.
2832264 No problem.
Fluttershy is WAY out of character in this chapter. She is usually shy to everypony she meets, human, or not. In fact, she should be even more shy than usual when meeting an alicorn, but you did pretty good with the CMC's personalities. I'm going to say this again because its important, slow down, and focus on detail.
And after reading your fanfic, my suspicions have been comfirmed.
Boring to no end. No drive, no soul, no substance. Write something that doesn't include lazy amounts of Brony, Alicorns and acceptance of the new world without a second thought.
This story is amazing
2832577 To each their own. This is intriguing, I've never read HiEs. I've heard it's a bad genre, but I'll give it a go.
EDIT: I upvoted as it's cheerful and has effort (and to stop the hate, that is seriously a bad like/dislike ratio) but I don't think I'll read any more.
Ooh, look! A new story! Let's take a lo-
i.imgur.com/KYanWsg.gif
I thought BiE stories had died.
media.tumblr.com/1d11999a677911e5911de065a6bf5151/tumblr_inline_mj0r2qFdvS1qz4rgp.gif
2832751
Being 100% honest I didnt even read the story, I just felt bad for the author so I left something positive
2832257
Sorry, but you're wrong and the author had it right.
You never use "a" if the next word starts with a vowel or if it sounds like it starts with a vowel. Hour is typically pronounced with a silent "h" coming from the French word "heure". As such, it's "an hour" and not "a hour".
"and make a life-changing decision."
He's going to stay in Equestria. Called it.
"Alicorn OC"
Nope!
Do not want!
files.sharenator.com/kill_it_with_fire_demotivational_poster_1235695993-s640x463-232628.jpg
2833058 Terribly sorry about that. I was just trying to lend a helping hand though I am not some professional editor. Thanks for catching me on that though.
well this story got shot down and blew up in a mushroom cloud
here is a helpfull tip. dont be so direct with the person ends up in equestria bit ... alot of people dont like those because #1 un-original idea #2 Waaaay over used idea #3 Equestria Girls movie did not help the humanized fics. Also try to make his being there more of a mystery that he has to solve to get back - add some drama and romance- then the likes might balance the dislikes. 1 more thing (wich im sure is why this is getting dislikes) your OC is an alicorn. that makes him of equal stature to celestia and luna... people no like that lolz
try reading this fic if you have not already seen it
* The Ballad Of Echo The Diamond Dog*
This FanFiction is an example of how to do it right . it even was featured on Equestria Daily
i hope this helps
2836270
Excellent choice.
2835211
We all make mistakes, but English being the bastard stepchild of a half-dozen different European languages means that it's full of contradictions and exceptions to the rules.
T-this story... Ugh... This story...
The phasing, the characters, the story itself...
EVERYTHING ABOUT IT IS WROOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!!!
Nope.