Story of Rainbow Dashes brother who come to ponyville to live out his life where he will discover love and friendship.
(First fanfic ever please I ask for critisizem)
Chapters (1)
BronyBro
Joined 2nd Jul, 2013 ·
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i.imgur.com/XA3Cx.jpg
...there will be people to help you soon, don't worry.
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Sigh. There goes another one.
I would like to point out that you actually introduced Rainbow's friends to her brother four times. First time with names only, second with occupations only, third with general appearance only, and fourth in a form of dialogue only. Because of separating that, each part lacks a certain depth.
Instead of:
You could have developed this part into something more like this:
Now, by mixing all the information about Rarity into one fragment, we achieved description much more enjoyable to read.
And there are small things, too - remember to capitalize the names: it's Ponyville and Rarity, not ponyville and rarity. Sister's couch, not sisters. And since the story is obviously hinting towards a bigger friendship between Fluttershy and your OC, keep in mind that it is especially important to keep things slow. They hardly know each other, so make that relationship believable.
2815789 ok thanks ill get right on that
Welp, my computer broke, and it is hard to write a long review in a phone, so I'll just make a short one instead.
-Stories about Rainbow Dash with a brother in an alternate universe.
-OC is a self-insert.
-Romance tag.
-'love' and friendship.
-critisizem.
Yeah, words of advice:
- OCs aren't that much appreciated, specially when they have close connection with the canon characters. That is of course, if you can't execute it.
-Names such as Ponyville, Rainbow Dash, needs some basic capitalization. Oh, and also fix the punctuations, comma splices, and weird formatting.
-Check for spelling errors, before publishing. At least try to minimize it.
-We're talking about ponies here, and Rarity is a pony, not a 'person'.
-Make sure you keep your pacing at control. That means no OC having Buttershy in bed without the two, actually spending time together, and getting to know each other.
-Show, don't tell; pretty much self explanatory.
Thoughts?
I've seen lots of stories the same as yours, so I don't see how this is going to end differently. What I'm saying is to try another story with different plot; be fresh
So, yeah... short review, indeed-y. Oh, and another thing: Editors are essential.