Chapter Four
“Hey! Drub, you see this thing?” The Charr warrior, Dahgar asks his companion.
Coming up to his hunting partner, Drub looks at the area Dahgar is pointing at. “Yeah, what is it? Looks kinda like magic."
“That’s what I was thinking! I dare you to walk through it.”
Taken slightly aback at his partner's comment, Drub responds, not sure if Dahgar is being serious or not. “Are you insane? You know our Legionnaire forbids interaction with anything magic in nature!”
"What he doesn't know can't hurt him, besides" Dahgar lets out a snide chuckle. “I think your scared.”
“I am not! And to prove it to you!” Drub says as he charges towards the distorted area in front of them. Suddenly, he disappears. Dahgar just stands there, dumbfounded at what just happened. He slowly creeps away from the distorted area, deciding it best to talk to someone more magically inclined than him about it.
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Magnificent, is the only word to describe it. Flying through the air at such speeds. Everything around her a complete blur. Her mane completely windblown backwards, flapping against her skin. The signature rainbow trail that follows behind her whenever she flies faster than fifty miles per hour. Rainbow Dash is in a state of complete bliss, as she always is whenever she is racing, well, and winning. As Rainbow Dash looks to her side, she notices Spitfire has caught up, and is
flying almost next to her.
Meanwhile, an announcer pony is giving a play by play of the race. “Spitfire has caught up to Rainbow Dash! On the last lap of the Cloudsdale Whirlwind Derby. It looked like Rainbow Dash was going to win the race from the beginning, but now it could be either ponies game! It’s Rainbow Dash in the lead, now its Spitfire! Rainbow Dash gets ahead by a nose! Spitfire inches in front of Rainbow Dash! Wait.. What just happened?" The Announcer pony asks, more to himself than anyone else. Indeed, where Rainbow Dash and Spitfire were neck and neck, suddenly Spitfire just disappeared, only to reappear shortly after, a ways behind Rainbow Dash. "Rainbow Dash is the Winner!" The Announcer pony, having looked back at Rainbow Dash, ssees that she has passed the finish line.
It felt amazing. She was still feeling the adrenaline pumping through her veins as Rainbow Dash landed down on the first place pedestal, to in the moment to realize what happened. Spitfire took third place, and in second place was fleetfeet, another Wonderbolt. After the awards ceremony, a newspony, who had been reporting on the race comes up to Rainbow Dash to ask her a few questions.
“So, Rainbow Dash, how does it feel to be the winner of the Cloudsdale Whirlwind Derby, this fine evening?” The newspony asks.
“Wait... It’s Evening already? That means I am going to be late for Applebloom’s party! I’m sorry I can’t stay and chat!” Rainbow Dash responds, as she dashes off, accelerating to full speed within a matter of seconds, racing towards Ponyville.
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Applebloom is sitting at the front of the table in Sugarcube Corner, with Applejack on her right and Scootaloo on her left. Next to Scootaloo sits Sweetie Bell, who is sitting next to Rarity. Next to Applejack is Big Mac, and then Granny Smith. Fluttershy is in the kitchen with Pinkie Pie.
“What’s taking the cake so long, I’m hungry!” Complains Scootaloo.
Just then Pinkie Pie slowly walks out of the kitchen, balancing a cake on her back and everyone sings Happy Birthday to Applebloom.
“Aaawww, shucks. Thank you guys, but I don’t need such a fancy cake.” Applebloom says, looking down at her red velvet cake. Of course its her favorite, and she is glad that they had made it for her, she’s just being nice.
“Are you kidding? Its your BIRTHDAY! And everypony needs to get their favorite cake on their birthday, DUH!” Pinkie Pie exclaims. “Now, blow out the candles and make a wish!”
“Okay.” Applebloom then inhales a large amount of air, and blows out all eight candles, with a single exhale, on her birthday cake.
“What’cha wish fer, sis?” Asks Applejack.
“I can’t tell you, silly. Then it won’t come true!” Applebloom responds, looking up at Applejack smugly. “Thank you all for this wonderful party. I really ‘preciate it.”
“The party isn’t over yet! You still have to open your PRESENTS!!!” Pinkie Pie says, bouncing around excitedly, practically shouting the last word. “Too bad Rainbow Dash isn’t here though... Or Zecora.” However, as Pinkie Pie says that, the door to Sugarcube Corner bursts open, and standing there is a blue pegasus, her rainbow mane glistening in the sunlight. Rainbow Dash has her black sunglasses on, balancing a present on her back and doing her best to look cool.
“Miss me?” Rainbow Dash asks, with a cocky grin on her face. “I’m sorry that I’m late. I had entered the Cloudsdale Whirlwind Derby before I even knew about the party. I thought I could finish the race before the party started but I was wrong.”
Scootaloo perks up. “Wow! You were in the Whirlwind Derby! That’s like... The fastest race EVER isn’t it!? You are SO cool Rainbow Dash! What place did you come in? You came in first didn’t you?” Scootaloo asks, trotting up to her idol.
“Well yeah, of course I did squirt! I’m Rainbow Dash, I don’t know HOW to come in anything other than first.” Of course Raibow Dash is bragging, but so what? She knows that Scootaloo looks up to her, and so she wants to give Scootaloo very good reasons to. If that involves bragging, well, when did bragging ever really hurt someone, right?
“Oh... you are SO cool...” Scootaloo swoons, not even realizing she has already said it once. Applejack walks up behind the pegasus filly.
“Don’t let it go to yer head Rainbow. Just ‘cause yer fast don’t mean ye get the right to brag. Besides ah think we both know after the runnin’ o’ the leaves who would win in a foot race.” Applejack smirks at Rainbow Dash, teasing her.
“Anyways, girls. How about we sit back down and let Applebloom open her presents, okay? After that we can get up and dance around, play some games, and just have fun.” Rarity suggests, trying to make sure Applejack and Rainbow Dash’s friendly rivalry doesn’t take the spotlight off of Applebloom. If anypony was going to take the spotlight off of the birthday filly, it should be her. At least thats how Rarity sees it.
So, with that, they all sit down to watch Applebloom open her presents. The first present she opens was wrapped in tan wrapping paper, and a red ribbon. “That one’s from me an’ Big Macintosh.” Applejack explains as Applebloom starts unwrapping her gift. She uses her hooves to hold the box steady as she grabs the ribbon with her teeth and pulls on the loops to untie it. After it is unwrapped, she takes the cover off of the box and, lo and behold, a miniature version of Applejacks signature hat is lying in the box.
“Oh my Celestia! Thank you!” Applebloom exclaims excitedly, as she puts on the hat. “It fits perfectly! It’s so cool, thank you Applejack, thanks Big Macintosh!”
Granny Smith lifts her head up from the table, looking around, a small bit of drool on the table from her sleep. “Watch’er language Applebloom!” She exclaims, and then lays her head back on the table and falls back to sleep.
“Now now. It was actually Big Mac’s idea, ah just went an’ bought it. Ain’t that right Big Mac?”
“Eeeyup. Anythin’ fer mah little sister.”
“Thank you so much guys.” Applebloom says as she goes and nuzzles both Applejack and Big Macintosh. Afterwards she opens each present giving each pony a sign of affection, depending on how happy she was with the present. After her siblings presents, she opens Twilight Sparkles present, which was a book about Apple Orchards throughout the history of Equestria. From Pinkie Pie she is given her own little party cannon, however she cannot seem to use it, as nothing comes out when she fires it (although it works for Pinkie Pie.) Rarity gives her a brush for her mane. Rainbow Dash gives her a pair of ‘super cool’ sunglasses. Fluttershy gives her a Pony Paddleball.
Finally, Appebloom opens the presents from Sweetie Bell and Scootaloo last. Sweetie Bells present was a green and red cape that she had made with her sisters help, and Scootaloo had made her a coupon that let her lead the Cutie Mark Crusaders for a day, and decide everything that they would do.
“Gee, thanks everyone This was all really nice of you. Although ah wish Zecora could’ve made it.” Applebloom says, grateful for all of the presents.
“Aaww, don’ worry about it Applebloom, I’m sure she has a good reason-” Applejack manages to get out before she is interrupted by a knock on the door.
“I’ll get it!” With a flash of pink, Pinkie Pie runs to the door and opens it, standing there is a very haggard looking zebra. Her mane, normally in a mohawk, completely ungroomed and flat against on her skin, she was covered in sweat and panting, as if she had been running a lot.
All of the ponies, except Granny smith who keeps snoring exclaims in surprise as the zebra trots in. “Zecora! What happened to you?”
End of Chapter Four.
And this is chapter four. Sorry I took a while for it to come out. I have been having a case of writers block. I hope you enjoy the chapter!
Beat me to a guild wars story...oh well. It interesting, can't wait for the story to take off. Also huge guild wars fan, though its been awhile since i play the game.
I read up to the end of this chapter and I have a couple of words that you might find helpful when building the story
Chapter one
The first part is in Twilight’s point of view but it looks as if it could be in either until Spike leaves. Perhaps set it in stone by having Twilight the clear focus in the first line before the dialogue starts. She could be making out Spike's foggy shape from her morning bleariness.
When she brushes her mane, she shouldn't simply 'brush'. It is more interesting to say she unlocked the drawer and hovered it over (the reader assumes it's used for brushing).
This sentence:
There has been a trend of anomalies, magical in nature, appearing all over Equestria, and in some of the other bordering nations.
The comma after 'Equestria' can be removed. You can tell because now it makes sense to say "There has been a trend of anomalies appearing all over Equestria and in some of the other bordering nations."
With the comma in place, it looks like this:
There has been a trend of anomalies, magical in nature, appearing all over Equestria, and in some of the other bordering nations.
The colour coding probably makes it more confusing but think of it as layers. The pink one doesn't fit.
I would take away the 'Thank you' from Celestia's letter. The Princess is calling, it shouldn't be optional to deny.
Celestia's explanation of why she can't attend to the problem herself is lacking. Why can't Luna or the Royal Guard handle it? If it is too hard to think of a reason, I suggest imply Celestia isn't telling the whole story and the reader might think it is just one of those secret things about the nation that can't be openly discussed. You might even want to pick up on that as a sub-plot later. Otherwise, for it to make sense, the story will need to already be tied to Twilight and/or her friends (she knows the most about a certain subject for example). You could invoke the We Need The Elements of Harmony but it is risking cliché.
After It’ll be fine Spike, there are two 'for a while' lines really close to each other.
The teleportation sequence is a good opportunity to let the reader in to the world more. Describe the five senses (not all at once, but vary). Twilight pictured the Canterlot library and zoomed in on her favourite book. She smelt her horn burning - was that normal?
Spike arriving at Sugarcube Corner. As he goes to knock on the door he hears a shout coming from the inside. You can make this much more vivid by showing what Spike did specifically and have the reader assume the shout came from inside (which is following the same thinking as Spike at the time). Think about what he is physically and mentally experiencing, keeping in mind that most people don't approach a door and think 'I'm knocking on the door and entering'.
Spike reached out to open the front door, narrowing his eyes upon hearing a loud, metallic, crash from inside. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard Rarity’s scream.
Your description of the kitchen focusses on where everything is, creating a painting for the reader. This is good and makes The kitchen is a mess deletable.
This is probably more of a personal preference but Spike sort of forgot about Rarity when she was evidently in distress. Maybe add where Rarity ran out through or to and add a few words on the last sentence to show Spike exiting the same way (somewhere other than the front door). He could be taking some time alone with her while Twilight is away!
The chapter finishes on a fairly standard activity - Spike leaving Sugarcube Corner having told Pinkie of the news. To encourage the reader to go to the next chapter, put something memorable or a cliffhanger, however minor. Like Spike leaving Sugarcube Corner unaware of Twilight’s capture or even him finding out Twilight left her magic-communicator (phone) at home and he has no way of contacting her – or her of him in case of emergency. Just something for the reader to ponder on in-between chapters.
My suggestion for the appropriate length of chapters word-wise can be down to one page or a several hundred. Base the chapters on what happens in the story according to your own pace – if there is a significant change of point of view, take a chapter break – if there is a whole section that would be boring if written about such as travel, obviously that can go. Treat them as scenes on a planned storyboard.
Chapter two
There's no need to say Derpy's eyes are strange because Zecora is clearly disturbed by them. How you described one eye looking at her as the other one floats around was great as Zecora is likely to be looking that closely out of her curiosity of them.
The line Zecora reads the letter in her head is unnecessary, just delve into it.
Just a minor change for clarity, swap mortal for immortal.
Between the champions of mortal kind, being led by a brave human, and the harbingers of destruction, known only as the destroyers.
I haven't played Guild Wars and I was wondering for a moment who was immortal? Were you referring to Celestia? But then I realised it was the Destroyers. Changing it to the following wouldn't hurt, even if it is a silly mistake to make as a reader.
Between the champions of kind, being led by a brave human, and the immortal harbingers of destruction, known only as the destroyers.
I found the last paragraph jarring. Even though it is a crossover, there was too much of a divide between the ponies and the Guild Wars world. It went from small scale dialogue between two characters in one room with no sense of urgency to a gathering of champions and several different races in a grand summarisation of a battle from an omniscient viewpoint. The paragraph’s purpose seems to be to signal the merging of the two universes and to provide some backstory on the one that Equestria is about to be merged with. Consider leaving everything about it out until the next chapter, leaving only the walls breaking down. This also lets you to introduce the characters more purposefully with perhaps their leader introducing Twilight to them one by one.
Chapter three
There is a decision at the start of the chapter. You can assume the readers will know who Mehnlo and Cynn are or you can introduce them and possibly get more people interested in Guild Wars. The third option is to have Mehnlo look over to Cynn and think about her thick blonde hair or lament her battle-scars – some kind of cue to give the reader an idea of what kind of a person she is without boring the people who already know.
It was only six days ago that he started returning her feelings for him
I would say 'a few days' rather than six – an exact number sounds like he made a pledge on the first day to ‘begin to show affection’ and has been counting ever since.
There is conflicting information about the dream. First He has had that same dream then moments later he realizes that it is a message. Morph it into one sentence to say that Mehnlo was beginning to understand that the dreams which had been plaguing him since the Great Destroyer's defeat were, in fact, subtle messages.
The following sentence with Balthazar and Dwayna switches from third person to first person.
I like the part where natural disasters are building up to something big so the merging of the two universes isn’t such a big jump when it happens.
having been their at the time and They hint that their may in fact be should have 'there' instead of 'their'.
first push against this theoretical barrier. Theoretical is an interesting word choice because at this point it is clearly destabilising and therefore exists. Perhaps 'apparent' fits more if it is only known about for its recent movements.
You managed to justify its tearing well - killing a God ought to cause some kind of instability!
I haven’t seen you do it so far, but think about the uses of putting the actions ahead of the dialogue. For example: “Listen. Do you hear it?” Aidan asked her, pointing off into the distance. It’s not particularly necessary, but it could be changed to 'Aidan put a hand on Eve’s shoulder. “Listen. Do you hear it?” He pointed to a distant mountain'. It lets you fit in an extra little action and tells the reader who is about to speak so the line can be read in that voice.
Something as strange to Aidan as Eve’s necromancy was described in good detail. The deer was a good bridge to initially connect the two worlds. Poor Applebloom, having to see it!
Chapter four
And to prove it to you!” Drub angrily said. Remove angrily, let his charge speak for itself. Often it is best to use the bare minimum - said or asked - without any extra words. When someone reads, if the line ends with '[character] said' they can usually recognise it out of their periphery and continue straight to the next line. Adding words like angrily or mockingly can disrupt this flow as well deny yourself the chance to show how they mock, for example. All it takes is a smirk to get the message across.
Even though the Rainbow racing paragraph is interesting, the story wouldn’t suffer if it were completely removed (unless it refers to her racing ability as plot point later). It could be a good opportunity to show the further breaking of the barrier between worlds. Maybe have Rainbow drop behind Spitfire but get strangely teleported ahead a few metres winning her the race and surprising herself.
The scene with the hat really hit home for me.
The chapter ends on a good line to wait for the next chapter on.
Remember that under each of these points is a seed ready to grow into greatness. You are the writer so feel free to dismiss advice where you think I have the wrong idea. I hope I have been of some help!
238072 Thank you very much! I realize I am not the best author, although I do like to at least think I am not the worst, and I highly appreciate any constructive criticism whenever I get it.
I will make the changes that you suggested, although in my own way as I do want it to, more or less, be my ideas in the story... I just sometimes need help to fix my ideas and replace them with better ideas... If that makes any sense.
Although in chapter one, with the reason why Luna or the Royal Guard cannot see to the problem, I will not change, instead I will address it in chapter five.
Also, in chapter four, the whole Rainbow Dash racing scene was just me trying to get past my writers block and so just writing whatever came to my mind and then incorporate it into the story. I was planning on getting rid of it however I couldn't get myself to do it as Rainbow Dash is my favorite pony. I'll try to find a way to make it fit better though. Hopefully.
Anyway, thank you again, and I hope you continue to read the chapters as I make them, your help is greatly appreciated.
And done! I have completely revised all of my chapters, and have started writing chapter five! I hope you all like the new and improved version! Surely, this new version will let me become a FIMFiction super star! Yeah.... Probably not.
And done. I made a few revisions here and there, and added Granny Smith's presence to the party, so that it was more than me just saying she was sitting there. She has a paragraph and a sentence for her.