I realize that some things will not be canon with either the show or the game, but I will at least try to get it as canon as possible while still letting it fit my story writing.
This is my first ever fanfiction. I am going to try and mix my two favorite things into one fanfiction. Guild Wars and My Little Pony. The content rating at this time is Teen, as I think that is appropriate. I don't really know what is considered by Teen, as their will be fighting, and I might put in some shipping and semi-romantic themes, but chances are I will not. I have marked the categories that I see as appropriate, if I think I need to change them I will, but I am not sure what is considered as "tragic" or "sad" to some people (in my mind they are the same thing) so if anyone thinks I need to mark the story with a category I have not already done so, please tell me.
Lastly, I am rather timid with posting these, and do not know if I will continue, although I will try to at least get the full story finished, even if I do decide not to make anymore fanfics. I do want criticism, and if anyone ever finds an error in my story, be it grammatical or otherwise, please tell me and I will change it A.S.A.P.
Lol, SIDE OF HAY FRIES PLEASE! Nice nice nice. I liked the human part, really did it! Keep up the work!
228602 The Guild Wars series spans three individual games and an expansion pack. The three games are Prophecies which takes place in Tyria (think classic European fantasy). Factions, which takes place in Cantha (think classic Chinese and Japanese fantasy). Nightfall, which takes place in Elona (think classic Arabian fantasy). The expansion pack, Eye of the North, takes place in Tyria, expanding its explorable borders. As the name suggests, my story will take place in Tyria, after the events of all of the games. The main five, as it were, of the game are Mehnlo (I am named after him, he is not an OC), Devona, Cynn, Aidan, and Eve. While it is always the player character who beats the main villian in each game, for the sake of my story, I will be ignoring that and say it was the main five, as they are there, leading up to and taking place in, the final battle for each game. The only thing readers of the story would need to know is the events of Prophecies and Eye of the North. To prevent an extremely long wall of text, I will just try to sum up the events of the two games without going into much detail. For Prophecies, the survivors of the human nation Ascalon are fleeing the charr warbands (Think along the lines of The Huns, or Mongol Horde). They go to the neighboring nation of Kryta, and participate in the civil war and help the rebel organization, The Shining Blade, fight The White Mantle (Think a toned down, but still oppressive, version of the Empire in Star wars.) The main five, who also lead the refugees, are played as a fool by Vizier Khilbron, who was pretending to be an ally to the rebels. It turns out he is leading the rising undead forces, and so the rebel forces make a strenuous peace with The White Mantle, and go to kill Khilbron. They find out he is a lich lord, there is a big fight, he dies, then the civil war continues. Then the events of Factions, Nightfall, and then Eye of the North take place, in that order. Eye of the North takes the main five back to Tyria, much farther north than ever before, where they find out about The Destroyers, and realize that the mortal races need to band together. They get the human survivors of ascalon, the Norn (Think giant viking/barbarians), the Asurans (Highly intelligent and technologically advanced race of gnome-like creatures), the Dwarves (Stereotypical Dwarves from fantasy), and the Charr (In a civil war, as the leaders worship The Destroyers, you help the rebels then they join you. As I said, think Mongol Horde, or The Huns.) They all go to war against The Destroyers in an epic battle that results in the death of The Great Destroyer. The name Guild Wars is in reference to the PvP portion of the game. In which guilds, groups of players, battle over land and favor of the gods. If you are curious about anything else I would suggest the Guild Wars Wiki.
Also, I am working on Chapter three, I should get it up by the end of the day. It will focus on the Tyria side of the problem, with the main five of Guild Wars trying to deal with the Anomalies that are appearing on their end.
Thank you for you kind comments.
228904\
Well. that was a lot of informations, I got it now
You have made me eager to see more. I will defintaly keep track
Chapter Three! I hope you guys like it! Also, if anyone starts playing Guild Wars because of this. Feel free to message me. My main character's name is Rukeyazu. Also, about the story. I don't know if my description of how the few Necromantic spells that Eve castes would count as dark or not. I want to have the appropriate tags, so after reading this if someone could let me know if they would see that as dark or not, I would really appreciate it.
I am having somewhat of a brain block, so I went through and re-read the chapters. I made a few corrections, and italicized anything that is someone's thought. I had meant to do that before hand but forgot to.
And this is chapter four. Sorry I took a while for it to come out. I have been having a case of writers block. I hope you enjoy the chapter!
Beat me to a guild wars story...oh well. It interesting, can't wait for the story to take off. Also huge guild wars fan, though its been awhile since i play the game.
I read up to the end of this chapter and I have a couple of words that you might find helpful when building the story
Chapter one
The first part is in Twilight’s point of view but it looks as if it could be in either until Spike leaves. Perhaps set it in stone by having Twilight the clear focus in the first line before the dialogue starts. She could be making out Spike's foggy shape from her morning bleariness.
When she brushes her mane, she shouldn't simply 'brush'. It is more interesting to say she unlocked the drawer and hovered it over (the reader assumes it's used for brushing).
This sentence:
There has been a trend of anomalies, magical in nature, appearing all over Equestria, and in some of the other bordering nations.
The comma after 'Equestria' can be removed. You can tell because now it makes sense to say "There has been a trend of anomalies appearing all over Equestria and in some of the other bordering nations."
With the comma in place, it looks like this:
There has been a trend of anomalies, magical in nature, appearing all over Equestria, and in some of the other bordering nations.
The colour coding probably makes it more confusing but think of it as layers. The pink one doesn't fit.
I would take away the 'Thank you' from Celestia's letter. The Princess is calling, it shouldn't be optional to deny.
Celestia's explanation of why she can't attend to the problem herself is lacking. Why can't Luna or the Royal Guard handle it? If it is too hard to think of a reason, I suggest imply Celestia isn't telling the whole story and the reader might think it is just one of those secret things about the nation that can't be openly discussed. You might even want to pick up on that as a sub-plot later. Otherwise, for it to make sense, the story will need to already be tied to Twilight and/or her friends (she knows the most about a certain subject for example). You could invoke the We Need The Elements of Harmony but it is risking cliché.
After It’ll be fine Spike, there are two 'for a while' lines really close to each other.
The teleportation sequence is a good opportunity to let the reader in to the world more. Describe the five senses (not all at once, but vary). Twilight pictured the Canterlot library and zoomed in on her favourite book. She smelt her horn burning - was that normal?
Spike arriving at Sugarcube Corner. As he goes to knock on the door he hears a shout coming from the inside. You can make this much more vivid by showing what Spike did specifically and have the reader assume the shout came from inside (which is following the same thinking as Spike at the time). Think about what he is physically and mentally experiencing, keeping in mind that most people don't approach a door and think 'I'm knocking on the door and entering'.
Spike reached out to open the front door, narrowing his eyes upon hearing a loud, metallic, crash from inside. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard Rarity’s scream.
Your description of the kitchen focusses on where everything is, creating a painting for the reader. This is good and makes The kitchen is a mess deletable.
This is probably more of a personal preference but Spike sort of forgot about Rarity when she was evidently in distress. Maybe add where Rarity ran out through or to and add a few words on the last sentence to show Spike exiting the same way (somewhere other than the front door). He could be taking some time alone with her while Twilight is away!
The chapter finishes on a fairly standard activity - Spike leaving Sugarcube Corner having told Pinkie of the news. To encourage the reader to go to the next chapter, put something memorable or a cliffhanger, however minor. Like Spike leaving Sugarcube Corner unaware of Twilight’s capture or even him finding out Twilight left her magic-communicator (phone) at home and he has no way of contacting her – or her of him in case of emergency. Just something for the reader to ponder on in-between chapters.
My suggestion for the appropriate length of chapters word-wise can be down to one page or a several hundred. Base the chapters on what happens in the story according to your own pace – if there is a significant change of point of view, take a chapter break – if there is a whole section that would be boring if written about such as travel, obviously that can go. Treat them as scenes on a planned storyboard.
Chapter two
There's no need to say Derpy's eyes are strange because Zecora is clearly disturbed by them. How you described one eye looking at her as the other one floats around was great as Zecora is likely to be looking that closely out of her curiosity of them.
The line Zecora reads the letter in her head is unnecessary, just delve into it.
Just a minor change for clarity, swap mortal for immortal.
Between the champions of mortal kind, being led by a brave human, and the harbingers of destruction, known only as the destroyers.
I haven't played Guild Wars and I was wondering for a moment who was immortal? Were you referring to Celestia? But then I realised it was the Destroyers. Changing it to the following wouldn't hurt, even if it is a silly mistake to make as a reader.
Between the champions of kind, being led by a brave human, and the immortal harbingers of destruction, known only as the destroyers.
I found the last paragraph jarring. Even though it is a crossover, there was too much of a divide between the ponies and the Guild Wars world. It went from small scale dialogue between two characters in one room with no sense of urgency to a gathering of champions and several different races in a grand summarisation of a battle from an omniscient viewpoint. The paragraph’s purpose seems to be to signal the merging of the two universes and to provide some backstory on the one that Equestria is about to be merged with. Consider leaving everything about it out until the next chapter, leaving only the walls breaking down. This also lets you to introduce the characters more purposefully with perhaps their leader introducing Twilight to them one by one.
Chapter three
There is a decision at the start of the chapter. You can assume the readers will know who Mehnlo and Cynn are or you can introduce them and possibly get more people interested in Guild Wars. The third option is to have Mehnlo look over to Cynn and think about her thick blonde hair or lament her battle-scars – some kind of cue to give the reader an idea of what kind of a person she is without boring the people who already know.
It was only six days ago that he started returning her feelings for him
I would say 'a few days' rather than six – an exact number sounds like he made a pledge on the first day to ‘begin to show affection’ and has been counting ever since.
There is conflicting information about the dream. First He has had that same dream then moments later he realizes that it is a message. Morph it into one sentence to say that Mehnlo was beginning to understand that the dreams which had been plaguing him since the Great Destroyer's defeat were, in fact, subtle messages.
The following sentence with Balthazar and Dwayna switches from third person to first person.
I like the part where natural disasters are building up to something big so the merging of the two universes isn’t such a big jump when it happens.
having been their at the time and They hint that their may in fact be should have 'there' instead of 'their'.
first push against this theoretical barrier. Theoretical is an interesting word choice because at this point it is clearly destabilising and therefore exists. Perhaps 'apparent' fits more if it is only known about for its recent movements.
You managed to justify its tearing well - killing a God ought to cause some kind of instability!
I haven’t seen you do it so far, but think about the uses of putting the actions ahead of the dialogue. For example: “Listen. Do you hear it?” Aidan asked her, pointing off into the distance. It’s not particularly necessary, but it could be changed to 'Aidan put a hand on Eve’s shoulder. “Listen. Do you hear it?” He pointed to a distant mountain'. It lets you fit in an extra little action and tells the reader who is about to speak so the line can be read in that voice.
Something as strange to Aidan as Eve’s necromancy was described in good detail. The deer was a good bridge to initially connect the two worlds. Poor Applebloom, having to see it!
Chapter four
And to prove it to you!” Drub angrily said. Remove angrily, let his charge speak for itself. Often it is best to use the bare minimum - said or asked - without any extra words. When someone reads, if the line ends with '[character] said' they can usually recognise it out of their periphery and continue straight to the next line. Adding words like angrily or mockingly can disrupt this flow as well deny yourself the chance to show how they mock, for example. All it takes is a smirk to get the message across.
Even though the Rainbow racing paragraph is interesting, the story wouldn’t suffer if it were completely removed (unless it refers to her racing ability as plot point later). It could be a good opportunity to show the further breaking of the barrier between worlds. Maybe have Rainbow drop behind Spitfire but get strangely teleported ahead a few metres winning her the race and surprising herself.
The scene with the hat really hit home for me.
The chapter ends on a good line to wait for the next chapter on.
Remember that under each of these points is a seed ready to grow into greatness. You are the writer so feel free to dismiss advice where you think I have the wrong idea. I hope I have been of some help!
238072 Thank you very much! I realize I am not the best author, although I do like to at least think I am not the worst, and I highly appreciate any constructive criticism whenever I get it.
I will make the changes that you suggested, although in my own way as I do want it to, more or less, be my ideas in the story... I just sometimes need help to fix my ideas and replace them with better ideas... If that makes any sense.
Although in chapter one, with the reason why Luna or the Royal Guard cannot see to the problem, I will not change, instead I will address it in chapter five.
Also, in chapter four, the whole Rainbow Dash racing scene was just me trying to get past my writers block and so just writing whatever came to my mind and then incorporate it into the story. I was planning on getting rid of it however I couldn't get myself to do it as Rainbow Dash is my favorite pony. I'll try to find a way to make it fit better though. Hopefully.
Anyway, thank you again, and I hope you continue to read the chapters as I make them, your help is greatly appreciated.
And done! I have completely revised all of my chapters, and have started writing chapter five! I hope you all like the new and improved version! Surely, this new version will let me become a FIMFiction super star!
Yeah.... Probably not.
Chapter five! Sorry it took so long to update. I hope you all like it. I realize I am not that good a writer and I thank those who have stayed with it this far. If anyone has any suggestions feel free to voice them.
as rarity or at rarity?
244750 Thank you very much! I didn't notice that error, and probably wouldn't have, had you not said something. Errors are bad, and bad things make Fluttershy sad.
245721
Glad to help out a fellow fan-fic writer!
No problem! I'm kinda use to catching little pony errors after a while
Sweety bell looking at her flank after she did that!!! XD Best Line in the Chapter!!!!!!
Zecora- should be he instead of she in the first paragraph
May i be your offical edditor for your fanfic? pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease 
its so good, and i'd hate to see it get knocked on by errors
248604 I am looking where you meant for "should be he instead of she in the first paragraph" and I for the life of me cannot find it... Both Zecora and Derpy hooves are females so...
I am going to start giving my chapters serious titles from now on. In retrospect I should have done it from the very beginning. . .
Okay, sorry for the delay, but here is chapter eight. This was my first time doing any sort of romantical thing, so please tell me what you think! Also if it isn't clear (I am not sure if it is or not) the rebellion part of the title is in reference to Pinkie Pie kind of rebelling against the story itself.
really pinkie breaaking the fourth wall yet again soo cliche..sigh when will authors learn to control that pent up crazy mare..really how hard can it be?
447218 I'm surprised. I thought people stopped reading this. . . Maybe I should start writing for it again. And you have no idea how hard she is to control. It - it's hard to explain. >.<
if you do continue it i really look forward to reading more of this story.
And I'm back! I hope you all like it and any criticism would be loved! Also, for those curious G.O.L.E.M stands for Genius Operated Living Experimental Manifestation. Catchy, no?
Just the other day I was wondering when you would bring this off of Hiatus, glad to see it back.
Yeah, it was on Haitus becuase I didn't think anyone actually was reading it that much >.> <.< Shows how much I know.
611535
Glad to have you back
Completely and utterly off topic but how excited are you for Guild Wars 2?
Edit: And more on topic: Will we be expecting to see any of the Elder Dragons awaken in this story or will that happen strictly after the events taking place here. I could almost see Discord waking Primordus up for kicks. Only problem is that guild wars Canon marks him as arising at around 42 years after the events of Eye of the North and he was the first of the Elder Dragons to awaken. Then again when your adding magical ponies to the mix the story isn't strictly following canon anyway
Yeah, This is not going to feature the elder dragons as so little is known about them yet. I try to make my stories as canonically accurate as possible, and so I probably won't be adding them as I wouldn't know their modus operandi. I may reference them, but they won't be making a particularly active appearance. As for how excited I am. . .
I'm back, for anyone who cares that is. I hope you all like it.
Okay, finally read the story through. First thing I need to say is well... I really think you should head back and re examine chapters 1-5. I noticed you mixing past/present tenses a lot and the first 5 chapters really felt off. Considering that's half the current story, and the first thing a person sees when they read it I'd suggest making it nicer. Chapters 6-10 were very nicely done and I found them to be much better formatted and a lot more interesting, definitely worth sticking around for. However I do think you should alter the Pinkie fourth wall stuff. I think it's good, but it just comes out of nowhere. When I first saw it I rolled my eyes because it really felt that it was just suddenly there for no reason and heavily forced. After a while it was kinda funny having her argue against the author, but I think the rebellion should have been a little more subtle, having her drop hints that she knows it's a story before she outright says it and rebels. I have to say though, you're definitely developing. Looking at the dates of the stories I can see why chapter 6 was when the story got good.
And here it is. Now, before I work on the next chapter I am going to do some revision of chapters 1-5. Thank you Maskinos for bringing it to my attention.
I have to unfortunately say the same about this chapter. It feels... Awkward. You have multiple people talking in the same paragraph(something I used to do too, but I found out was wrong), and a lot of things just feel rushed and strange. Some of the conversations feel left out when you say things like 'Adam points out, to which Eve agrees.' While I understand the use of describing it rather than having it played out, it feels like it is used far to often. And that one in particular feels really awkward. The chapter itself didn't really feel like much was going on, though I imagine it was just a transition chapter. One thing I feel should be expanded on is the arrival of Adam and Eve in the town, namely since the ponies reactions to the humans is just a gold mine of entertainment. Especially with Eve's personality.
1175678 I am going through the chapters, making revisions, adding more description etc. . . But quick question if you don't mind, well two actually.
1. When it comes to dialogue, is it a new paragraph EVERY time someone talks? Even if it is the same person? Or only when a different person talks?
2. I know I am not the best of writers, and so I was wondering if you wouldn't mind me at least bouncing ideas off of you for when I am unsure as to how to write something grammatically wise, not story wise but just the HOW I write things, when I don't know (or think I know) right away. If not it's fine.
1269864 New paragraph whenever a new person talks. And to the second, feel free. I'm not the best writer either to be honest, so I have close friends I bounce things off too. Feel free to send me a message whenever you aren't sure about something, I'd be more than happy to help.
Alright, first chapter revised and stuff, a few changes other than grammatical here and there. Going to do it for the rest of the chapters.
Alright done with revisions to this chapter. To those of you who have seen this, you dont really need to re-read the chapter its pretty much the same thing, just less mistakes, staying in the proper tense etc. . .
Alright, fully edited.
And done. I made a few revisions here and there, and added Granny Smith's presence to the party, so that it was more than me just saying she was sitting there. She has a paragraph and a sentence for her.
Aaand done!
Oh wow. So I re-read this and holy shit - I sucked at writing back then. Well I'm back with a few short stories under my belt, and a writing class done, so I am going to see what I can do about finishing this!
Almost done with the new chapter! Just gotta finish revising it.
Awwwe, this was fun read; hope you come back someday :D