The life as a assassin is a cold,unforgiving, and lonely one but i've have gotten use to it, my name is Dusk Night Pie everypony in equestria knows me as the royal commander,blacksmith of princess celestia and luna but what they don't know i am the infamous Assassin known as The Cold-Hearted Assassin but soon or later i'm going to have to tell my family and friends soon because my secrets will eventually be discovered and i'm not sure how my family and friends will react to this
Description: Dusk night has carried a dark secret for ten years until it's discovered in ponyville
Chapters (7)
No descriptions, no capitalization, no plot story, no characters alive.
2761490
No descriptions, no plot, incorrect grammar only, Final Destination.
2761578 what!? alright fine i need help then i need a great editor to help me fix my story
2761593 i said no negative judgement!!!!!
2761490 i gave a long and short description READ IT!!!!!!
2761593>>2761578 and another thing how is there no plot or descriptions and incorrect grammar?!?!
2761685
Descriptions INSIDE your story.
You need to describe the world, interractions and event better. We're not in your head, we don't see how you picture what happen if you don't use words to describe anything.
2761673 When you say that, people are only going to rape you harder. Speaking of which...
You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...
To begin as I often do, don't write chapters where all the words fit on your computer's screen. A good number to shoot for as a minimum is twelve hundred. Things that are too goddamn short usually get raped to death with downvotes because how short they are.
Your description is, as the name suggests, where you describe the story. If your description has errors, people aren't going to start reading on good terms. That said, don't screw up in your description because screw up there is worth anywhere from ten to five in your actual story.
Now, onto the story...
That, ladies and gents, is the longest freakin' run-on sentence that I have ever laid eyes on. That said, there's no way in the unholy name of Sithis that I'm going to go through the entire bastard and correct every single mistake. So here's a list of things that are wrong here:
Punctuation and capitalization. This should be a sentence. Sentences end in periods, so change that. Also, every new sentence needs to be capitalized so do that as well. Please note that the word: I needs to be capitalized.
Capitalization error aside, you need to write out numbers that are less than a thousand in most cases. All cases so far warrant you taking the extra nanosecond to write out the word: twenty instead of just plopping a good old: 20 on the page. It looks more professional and less lazy.
It's one thing to ship two of the mane six or two of your own OCs, but when you combine the two then you enter a world that many writers don't dare to tread (hell, even I don't the balls to ship an OC with one of the mane six and I'm reviewing your story!). If you have the desire to try and ship an OC with one of the mane six then you had better have a really damn good OC (and you don't). Stay far, far away from trying to pull a stunt like this until you can write a truly lovable character.
If you want to get better at writing then you will have to learn to take and use constructive criticism.
What the hell kinda pony name is this? Also, as I was highlighting this to copy-paste it into this comment, I discovered that you used two single quote marks: '' instead of a double quote: " which leads me into an interesting theory...do you know what the: shift key is for? If not that would explain the utter lack of capitalization of words like: I or: pinkie as well as your choice to use double single quotes instead of double quotes.
Your loss if you do.
Remember when I told you that shipping the mane six with OCs was a quick way to get downboted to Oblivion? Yeah, killing off main characters will also do this if you don't do it well. Not to say that killing them off is bad, it takes a writer with either a small brain or big balls to do something like that. Nothing personal, but I doubt that the latter of those two happens to be you (then again you don't exactly have a small. More like a very limited knowledge of writing, and there's nothing wrong with that).
This almost reminds me of the Dark Brotherhood contracts of the Elder Scrolls series. Good.
Woah, woah, woah! Hold your horses (pun intended), Pinkie's his SISTER? When the flying tits was this made present in the story because I think that I missed it.
This guy's bumpin' uglies with two of the mane six? I'd call it swag or polygamy, but I know that it's just bad writing.
So yeah. At this point there's really nothing you can do but scrap the story and start again. I'd suggest that you take a break from writing and focus solely on reading. Read stories both good and bad (but more the former) so that you can see how to and not to write good fiction. Learn to take criticism or else you'll never get any better. As I once said: "He who can take criticism can likely take anything else while he who ignores his opposition is doomed to failure." Take this to heart and you will succeed.
Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise good luck and farewell...
/)
2761578
You see, it's funny because Final Destination was a movie without character development or plot. HAHAHA
2761685
No need to be an angry teenager. The commenter meant "descriptions" as in adjectives. An adjective is a word that changes a noun in order to better explain it. For example, "red", "old", "small" and "tasty".
Are those words small enough for you? :)
2761888 yeah i'm sorry for the name of my oc he is a dragon-pony and about his name i'm thinking of changing it to dusk night or something better but i'm not good at this do you any suggestions on what i should name my character?
2761888 also Rainbow Dash is Spike's marefriend in this fanfiction
2761888 and yes he and pinkie are brother and sister so i'm going to write a chapter explaining that to clear up the confusion
Alright couple things I want to get clear with is periods in your sentences. So I'm going to edit this and add/remove things from the chapter. Also be sure to use capitalization on nouns, which are person, place, or thing. Other then that, you're getting better at describing things, but just wondring is this 1st person 2nd person, or 3rd person view? Cause I see a combination of all 3 in your chapters, and that can confuse your readers. But your getting better so be happy about that!
2834554 alright i know i'm a bad writer so sorry for the combination of first,second, and third person i really have trouble mixing them together i really appreciate what you think of my story also chapter six will reveal some things about Dusk night so thank you again for commenting on my story and and thanks for saying your going to editing my story i appreciate it very much.
2834782 No problem Dude
