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Audacity, Zeal And Enigma

A strange spell has been cast over Canterlot; one that the Elements Of Harmony can not dispel. It is rapidly spreading, and with short time, it will soon be all over Equestria. Without the Elements, somepony (or some ponies?) must rise to the challenge of eliminating this threat before any permanent damage can be done.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 2 )

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Lorthalis of Crows

Lorthalis of Crows #1 · Jun 27th, 2013 · · ·

Can't wait to see where the story goes. Keep up the good work!

Eakin

Eakin #2 · Aug 25th, 2013 · · ·

2784342
Since I read this based on Crow's suggestion, I figured I should loop you in on my feedback.

First of all, you seem to be technically proficient writing-wise. The one typo I did spot was:

Well, it malfunction and I ended up having to

malfunctioned

Also:

She considered about buying some apples,

'Considered about' isn't a phrasing I've ever heard, and to me it sounds wrong. Either just 'considered' or 'thought about' might be better choices.

Now let's move on to style, which I'm going to be a little harsher about. You zip through a lot of potential material very quickly, and the story feels rushed so far. You're also doing a lot of telling instead of showing, with characters just saying things about themselves that you want your reader to know instead of having them act on it. For example, if you want us to know that your character is a waiter at a diner, a better way to do that would be to write a scene where she's at work. You'd also have a great opportunity to flesh out the kind of person she is. Instead of saying 'she has a bright personality' and hoping we'll take your word for it, maybe she has a problem customer be rude to her about their food and she manages to go the extra mile to make it up to him and she turns him around.

Also, you're going to have to come up with a very good reason these two are the only ones who can save the day.

Anyway, I don't know if you were planning to continue this, but if you do I wish you the best of luck!