Audacity, Zeal And Enigma

by Spelunking Arcanist

An Unexpected Letter

The wind fluttered Stellar Spell's long, silver tinted red mane as she trotted through the peaceful town of Ponyville. The unicorn passed by the bustling market, where many ponies were selling their goods. She could hear the bickering of prices and the calls of stall workers, trying to attract the attention of the many customers.

Stellar paused for a few moments as she neared the Apple Family's stall, headed by Applejack and her younger sister, Apple Bloom, as always. She considered about buying some apples, but decided to continue on her way instead. After all, she had promised her brother she'd be home right after she was done working. She worked at a small, yet lively café as a waitress, as well as doing odd jobs around the town to help the other ponies.

It didn't seem like it would pay well, but she surprisingly got quite a few Bits from her work. Perhaps it was her bright personality that lit up smiles on the diners, or it could just be the effort she put into her job.

As she passed by several of her friends, she called out greetings, which they returned with a smile. She stopped a few times, engaging in some small talk, hoping her brother wouldn't mind her taking too long.

"Hey, how's that machine you were working on coming along, Gear?" She asked a rust brown stallion with a reddish blonde mane, stopping in her tracks to chat.

"Oh, that little robot I was trying to make? Well, it malfunction and I ended up having to get it destroyed by your brother. I couldn't catch it myself since it was so fast!" He replied. "I think I'll have to start on a less dangerous project than a robotic parasprite. It's a good thing I didn't program it to multiply itself like the real ones!" Gear chuckled.

"Aw, I was hoping to have a little pet robot, but safety first, right? Good luck on your next robot!" Stellar said cheerfully as she went on her way.

After a few minutes, the unicorn reached her and her brother's house, near the edge of Ponyville. Outside the house, her silvery blue pegasus twin brother was flying back and forth impatiently. Usually, a set of twins of two different races were very unlikely amongst ponies. In their case, their mother was a pegasus whilst their father was a unicorn.

"Hey, Astral Analysis!" She called out, curious. Normally, he didn't come outside during the day. He usually preferred to stay inside until night time. He landed on the ground beside her, his wings trembling with pent up energy.

"Didn't you hear about it?" He asked.

"Hear about what?" Stellar raised an eyebrow.

Astral's voice lowered to a mere whisper as his eyes darted about, as if checking to make sure no one was eavesdropping. "Just recently... At the Royal Castle in Canterlot, the Royal Guard that had been on patrol one night were suddenly mysteriously attacked. However, that isn't the strangest thing that has happened - some weird spell has been put on Canterlot that makes everypony sick, especially alicorns! The only ponies immune to it are ones that are connected to the night. Which means some special ponies better go track down whoever's causing this mess and get it fixed!" His story was ended with a dramatic flare of wings.

"Woah, there! I think you need to slow down." His sister cracked a weak grin, unable to process such a large load of information all at once. "How do you know about this, and no one else?"

"Uh... This morning, the mail mare delivered this message while you were out returning your book to the library and doing other things." He flew inside the house, and came out minutes later, a letter in his mouth. Stellar levitated it, inspecting it carefully.

The envelope looked a little crumpled, and held the scent of muffins. She frowned slightly, but let out a sigh. Even if their mail mare was a little silly at times, at least she did her job. The unicorn opened it up; the parchment and the seal at the bottom meant that it was an official message from the princesses. She felt her breath catch in her throat as she began to read.

"Dear Astral Analysis and Stellar Spell,

It has come to our attention that your assistance required for the safety of Canterlot, and all of Equestria. A deadly spell has been placed upon Canterlot, and it is quickly spreading. On top of that, several ponies have been stolen and taken captive. Our scientists have been trying to figure out what has caused this spell to implant seeds of sickness amongst our land, and all they know is that ponies that exposed to more moonlight and the night sky are nearly immune to this spell.

Whenever possible, please come to Canterlot so that we may speak to you face to face.

Sincerely,
-Princess Celestia."

She read it once, twice, even thrice, before fully comprehending what it meant. Shocked, she instantly released her magic from the letter and fell over comically.

"P-princess C-C-Celestia wants... U-us to..." The mare stuttered. Rolling his eyes, Astral took off, returning with a raincloud that he bounced on, causing rain to pour down on his sister. She eventually got a hold of herself, and glared at him.

"Hey! This is a serious topic, you know!" Stellar grumbled as her horn lit up brightly for a few seconds before winking out. Her coat and mane were instantly dried, thanks to her magic.

"Then why are you freaking out about it?" The pegasus teased playfully. "I mean, it's totally not like the world's going to end if we mess up." He let out a laugh at his own joke.

"C'mon, Astral. We've got to go back to Canterlot!" She urged, picking up the letter and running into their house.

"I know that, but... Hey, where are you going?" He followed after in her.

"If we're going to help save the world, we might need a few supplies!"

Author's Note:

Heeeey there, I'm Spelunking Arcanist! A new pony (heh, writer!) around here. Great to finally join the writing community of MLP: FiM! Sooooo excited!

Up until now, I've been just an artist (cover drawn by me!) so I decided to try my hand at writing as well. I've writen for other fandoms, so I figured I should try at least one pony story~

Thanks for reading, fellow bronies and pegasisters!

~Spelunking Arcanist~

Comments

[Lorthalis of Crows]

Can't wait to see where the story goes. Keep up the good work!

[Eakin]

2784342
Since I read this based on Crow's suggestion, I figured I should loop you in on my feedback.

First of all, you seem to be technically proficient writing-wise. The one typo I did spot was:

Well, it malfunction and I ended up having to

malfunctioned

Also:

She considered about buying some apples,

'Considered about' isn't a phrasing I've ever heard, and to me it sounds wrong. Either just 'considered' or 'thought about' might be better choices.

Now let's move on to style, which I'm going to be a little harsher about. You zip through a lot of potential material very quickly, and the story feels rushed so far. You're also doing a lot of telling instead of showing, with characters just saying things about themselves that you want your reader to know instead of having them act on it. For example, if you want us to know that your character is a waiter at a diner, a better way to do that would be to write a scene where she's at work. You'd also have a great opportunity to flesh out the kind of person she is. Instead of saying 'she has a bright personality' and hoping we'll take your word for it, maybe she has a problem customer be rude to her about their food and she manages to go the extra mile to make it up to him and she turns him around.

Also, you're going to have to come up with a very good reason these two are the only ones who can save the day.

Anyway, I don't know if you were planning to continue this, but if you do I wish you the best of luck!