Rarity has a knack for seeing a pony's life story -- their pain, happiness and love -- with just a glance into their eyes. She has to be able to, after all, because not only does she have a younger sister she is responsible for, but she also owes it to a certain other pony. A certain other pony, who, because Rarity wasn't able to see into her, is now self-centered, reckless and lonely, never to live out her greatest dream.
A certain pony who now goes by Lightning Dust, instead of the loving nickname of "Dusty" Rarity had given her.
Chapters (1)
I really enjoyed your story. Just the other day, I was getting an itch to write a Lightning Dust and this just took the winds out of my sails. Which is a good thing! I can't really say what this story made me feel. From what knew of Lightning Dust, I thought of her as the Rainbow Dash with no friends for her to consider or hold her back from her need to prove herself.
It feels a bit off beat, in a good way, to have be Rarity be the one to have such an influence on her. At first I thought she was telling her story to Rarity and Rarity in italics was talking about what she could have done. I think I had that idea, though disprove by reading more, that it had to do with something Rarity could have done. Because of the title, Why and the chapter, Didn't I?
Maybe if I ponder this story a little long, I could come up with the words to describe how I felt.
2742108
I... I haven't even submitted it yet... and yet I already have a like, favorite, and a nice comment...
Really, Calen, thank you. You really made my day today, you wonderful, wonderful thing, you. I was really feeling down about this story, to be honest. You know that thing where, right before you hit the submit button, you think your story sucks and will do horribly? I had actually fallen into a bit of that, and you just made me feel a lot better. At least now, if it does do badly, I know that at least one person liked it.
And knowing that feels nice. Thanks.
Oh, and... did you find this on the Grading Room? I wouldn't know where you would find it otherwise...
2742975
I'm glad that I could help. Yeah, I saw it in the grading room and felt curious. It's really good. How come you haven't published it yet?
2748297
I don't have a pre-reader or editor, sadly, and I was hoping to use the Grading Room to sort of replicate that, or at least tell me how well I could(maybe) expect it to go over. I gotta say, though... it's starting to get really hard to be patient. I know that with only one or two people in charge of the reviewing, and at least three people ahead of me, they're doing their best, but I'm starting to think it would be better to stop worrying and just put it out there now. Especially with that nice comment you gave me. I'm really not sure at this point -- I'll make my decision sometime soon, though, so... well, you may see this on the front page in a couple days, or you might see it in a couple weeks. It just depends on if and when my patience wears thin(I never was a patient person).
This was well written and original. Rarity's perfectionism influencing Lightning Dust was believable. "Dusty" as a ground pegasus was interesting.
Your narration is good and lacked the lavender unicorn syndrome, which is always a nice surprise after reading so many stories with 'cyan' everywhere.
Lightning Dust almost convincing herself her flying is poor after Rarity ignores her tugs at heartstrings, though maybe not as much as knowing what she turned into afterwards. Her calling her team 'good enough' nearly hurts when you realize just what these two words mean to her. And how scary Rarity was when she uttered those same words.
I liked many lines;
'Rarity smiled, out of happiness or just practiced hospitality she wasn't sure anymore,'
'Maybe it was because because she recognized the way the pony on the other side knocked, or maybe because the voice that belonged to that pony should've been listened to years before. She wasn't sure,'
'She didn't understand anything, to be honest. Except for why she was then stepping aside and letting Lightning Dust into her home. That made sense. She had a reason for that,'
'her face stretched to a frown,'
'until she was as close to the top of the thing as she could manage, looking down to the ground which suddenly looked much farther away,'
'she balanced her way to the end of the branch,'
'the taste of sky on her tongue,'
'his expression planted into a very confused, almost disgusted one,'
'Lightning's mouth and eyes popped open, her jaw nearly touching the ground and her ears flattening against her cheeks,'
'"Oh?" Rarity said, feigning surprise and planting venom into her voice,'
'Rarity also understood why, (...) [she] fought off the urge to cry,'
'This was an act of a bad hostess, and like giving Rainbow Dash juice instead of cider,'
'The gems could always be cleaned later. Lightning Dust could not be talked to later,'
'Rarity stared past her, tilting her head wildly from side to side, trying to look at her fabric, and her fabric alone,'
'Lightning's ears folded back against her skull,'
'she let that frown on her face turn into a confused one,'
'Rarity went rigid, her hair standing on end, finally noticing that Lightning was in the room,'
'leaving Lightning sad and wondering why Rarity hadn't noticed she was a bit taller,'
'She just lowered her eyes, her face stuck in a saddened frown; she touched down on Rarity's floor... and walked out of the room,'
'everything fell into an awkward silence,'
'Rarity didn't mean to make it sound as if there were a hidden venom in her voice, but she could have understood if Lightning Dust thought so,'
'Rarity knew that she had messed up horribly when Lightning Dust placed her glass back onto the table with a light clatter, and let it wobble dangerously back and forth before placing a hoof on it to steady it. She especially knew she had when she looked into the icy glare she was receiving,'
'It was too late,'
'She had to be hurtful. She had to get the point across,'
'She was the only one who could see it. She could see it now, in fact, in her eyes. Amongst the anger and frustration, it was hiding, floating along in her irises and into her pupils,'
'She had to tell the truth,'
'"I'm proud of you, Dusty,"'
'She saw Lightning Dust's eyes soften around the edges, the steam that had appeared there just a second prior disappearing to let in confusion and some hidden emotion in the back'
and
'Lighting Dust didn't say anything.
But Dusty cried.'
I found no typo.
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Thank you very much for reading this, and for giving me that comment; it really means a lot to me. I'm glad you could find so much to like out of this, and hopefully I won't disappoint later down the line.
[youtube=zPlwHoXUEYo]
I really enjoyed this, I think Lightning Dust is one of the better OCs, but no story really does her justice, making her a see-through character, I think this one could show some real intent behind why she pushed herself so hard, I think you portrayed Rarity well too, definitely in character from what the show shows us, I spotted no typos and it was a good story, after reading it once, I reread it to make sure I got the present scene with no flash backs, I think anything that makes me go back and read it is pretty good.
Really enjoyed it, up-vote and favourite. Keep writing, if you have more stories I'll check them out too.
2811420
Thank you so much for the like, favorite, and nice comment! I'll try to keep doing good and continue to write stories for you to enjoy!
Oh... Oh my goodness, you have no idea how happy that made me! Really, just the fact that you would read this is wonderful, but the others too?!
But, uh... I've got to say, this is probably my best story to date, so if you read my others, you might notice a slight drop in quality; that's really a good thing now that I think about it, knowing that I'm improving, but... just know that the others(in my opinion) aren't like this.
Afraid I can't leave to detailed of a comment from my phone, but I wanted you to know I really liked this story. Different take on Lightning Dust that was both well written and very believable. A most excellent job.
2819966
Oh, thank you!
I wasn't expecting such a positive reaction from everyone, to be honest, and you really made my day! Really, it doesn't matter how detailed the comment is; just the fact that you took the time to read, like, favorite, and comment means a lot to me.
Edit: My god, I just realized that you're the author of Aces High. Th-The author of Aces High... and the favorite.. a-and the comment, and-- *proceeds to hyperventilate*
2820002
I know that feeling well and you're very welcome. Keep up the good work!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Why
Grammar score out of 10: 9.5.
Pros:
1. The premise was highly original and a great backstory for Lightning Dust.
2. I like how you broke up certain parts of the story to have it go back and forth between the past and present. It kind of felt like a movie.
3. Your showing vs. telling was at a very professional level.
Cons
1. The first paragraph when they first meet; is it suppose to be a flashback?
2. I noticed some areas when you didn't have brackets but didn't space them out. EX:
3. You have some sentences that are a bit lengthy. I would recommend looking them over again and maybe trying to condense them or something.
Notes Section (how you can improve your fic, at the very least an elaboration of Pros and Cons section):
I really enjoyed reading this story. I remember back in December, shortly after watching "Wonderbolt Academy", Lightning Dust was starting to become a fan favorite one-off character like Gilda, Pipsqueak, or Queen Chrysalis. I suppose the reason why they are so popular is because they are seen only once and the fans are left with a huge imagination of their histories. You were able to provide Lightning Dust with a backstory that was very believable and something I might even consider to be head cannon. It certainly explained a lot for her overly competitive behavior.
Something I found very unique was your use of italics. When I often read stories, italics are generally used to describe flashbacks, but here you did this the other way around. I thought it was very refreshing and original to do it that way. However, the only thing I would look at is the beginning when "Dusty" and Rarity first meet. If this is a Flashback then it should be consistent in format with the other flashbacks, or it will just get confusing. The only other cons I listed were some minor errors but those are easy enough fixes. Overall, a very well done story. I enjoyed it very much and I actually think it's a shame that it's not getting more views.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story: When Kindness Met Hatred
2838040
Thank you for the review! You brought up some very good points! As for the consistency between italics, it's sort of... complicated. If you look, you'll find a spot where italics are just thrown into the middle of normal text -- no line separating to show it's in the present or is part of Rarity's current story:
The beginning, where they supposedly meet, is supposed to be like this. In the beginning, you just assume that it happened in the past. Here, you assume it happened in either the past or future. They are based on assumptions.
Did Rarity actually talk to Dusty? Maybe. In the past? Maybe. Did Rarity actually stand up to Hoops? Maybe. When? I don't know. It was sort of an... experiment? I guess?
Yes, it seems strange. It is strange. At this point, I can't even follow my own twisted train of logic as to why I wanted it that way. Maybe I wanted to see reactions -- I don't know. This is why I don't like to write hyped up on sugar and sparkling juice at one o'clock in the morning.
Anyway, now that I'm done rambling... yeah, my sentences do tend to get a bit wordy at times, but I've been trying to cut down on it. Already, I've improved a lot in that regard, and I'll keep trying. As for parenthesis... are you supposed to put a space before them? Hm. The more you know.
Oh, thank you! My rambling is done now, so you should expect a review on your story soon.
I liked this, but I'm not good at that "glowy" stuff. (Something I need to work on, I guess.) So, since several people already gave you some "glowy" stuff, you get me jumping right in.
I was able to follow your use of italics pretty well, once I worked out the rule. But I think you should do more to separate your use of "now" italics from your use of "past" italics. My first thought was to put the "now" italics in quote boxes -- easy enough, and similar to your current usage. I also thought of moving the "now" italics to sidebars, instead. I made a mock-up of that, with... mixed results. It re-ordered the ending, accidentally. Whether or not it's 'better'...
At first, I didn't notice your use of the refrain "Dusty never cries, Dusty never cries, Dusty never cries..." because you made it white. I'm gonna go back and read it again on a different setting, so I can see it. You might want to change the color on that, I might suggest [color=#7ae5cf] (the color of Lightning Dust's coat, according to the eyedropper tool in my paint program), which would make it look like this: Dusty never cries, Dusty never cries, Dusty never cries... I suppose whether or not to do that might depend on who's supposed to be 'thinking' it.
I don't remember Lightning's cutie mark off-hand. As I'm reading this, it sounds like you're having it appear right after coming out of Rarity's room. It gives a fascinating dual effect to the ending.
I'll probably be promoting this soon. (For whatever good my promoting it's worth.
)
2840156
Thank you for this! I have to say that your alternate version does look pretty nice, having it side-by-side like that. It looks pretty organized, and really, the only problem with it is what you've already acknowledged.
As for the line "Dusty never cries, Dusty never cries, Dusty never cries...", that's... actually supposed to be white. In fact, if you'll look, you'll see places where I moved it to where it wouldn't be seen. Some were just hidden at the end of sentences, but for some, that would create more than a full line of text. That would mean it would look like I had two spaces in-between paragraphs instead of one. People would think that it was an error of some kind, or they would scroll over it, thinking something was there. So I got rid of the space at some parts.
That being said... thank you so much for finding it! I really don't know whether anyone else has found it or not, but they haven't said anything, so... thank you! I didn't plan on that line being hidden forever, and someone finally found it. I still don't know if that means I'll be changing the color of it yet... but I probably will, eventually.
That made me laugh a lot more than it should have.
Anyway -- just look at you, making me sound like a little kid in a candy shop -- I've been waiting for someone to talk about her Cutie Mark too!
Her Cutie Mark is a lightning bolt, with four stars under it. In this context, the lightning bolt is her, striking down her competition (the stars) and becoming the best of the best. Becoming fabulous.
Fantastic story. Always felt pity for lightning dust, especially being in her position more than once. I felt kind of shocked at the end of that episode, and lost a lot of respect for the mane six. This kinda redeems it, that and the dialogue was great, though the italics kind of confused me at first. Overall, it's great to see someone talking about the "bad guy" like this
2885650
To me, Lightning Dust never was a bad guy, the same way that Gilda and Trixie were never bad guys. They're just normal ponies/griffons who've had bad things happen to them. Thank you for reading this, and as for the commas* confusing you... don't worry, it was sort of supposed to do that.
To be fair though, Lightning Dust's punishment wasn't that bad. Think about it -- because of her negligence, six ponies nearly lost their lives. Like I pointed out in my story, she didn't mean to or want to, or even really grasp what she almost did, but she could have just as easily been put in jail or put on trial before being booted. Her punishment was harsh and made me feel bad for her, but given the circumstances... I think it was the best anypony could do.
Anyway, thanks for reading, commenting, liking, and giving me that favorite!
*Commas, really? I meant to say italics.
I did a little bit of editing to try to get rid of confusion... you know, if anyone else reads this. I probably should have done this earlier... anyway, I changed the italics up, and for those of you who are still confused about them, well... read the parts in bold and italics, and the read the title of the story. And I mean the full title, not just "Why". Then think about it and come up with your own conclusion.
This is inexcusable! You need more views for this masterpiece!
I'll help any way I can!
3849348
O-Oh, thank you!
That's extremely nice of you, and I really do appreciate the help! And while I'm here, thank you for the follow as well. This means a lot!
3849384 I'll try my best to get your story the appreciation it needs.
3849394
Well, I can't seem to find something that truly represents my mood. But this is close enough:
[youtube=EUVUDizeHoY]
3849424 For you, this is the way I felt while finding your magnificent story:
lh4.googleusercontent.com/--p1T0TEk7nw/UtxSp7OwgLI/AAAAAAAAAdU/Jlg-TXixCXk/s400-no/derpy-chair.gif
3982687
I hear your applause and thank you.
This wasn't at all what I expected, and I'm rather pleased. This was a highly unorthodox depiction of Lightning and I can honestly say that I've never heard of someone friendshipping her with Rarity. Your style of going back and forth between the past and the present was very effective, surprisingly so, although there were times when I was very confused (especially when you went to bold text for Rarity's side of things).
From a continuity standpoint, this story raises a ton of questions. If Lightning and Rainbow never met, Lightning must have left Ponyville before Rainbow moved in; when and why? Did Rarity and Lightning stay in touch? If not, what caused the rift? If so, why hasn't Rarity mentioned her to her friends? Why didn't Rarity say anything to Lightning during the events of Wonderbolts Academy?
The creation of speculative opportunities is always a great thing in my mind. Finding myself curious, I have thrown a few more of your stories into my RiL for future consumption.
4764269
Thank you so very much for your kind words, and I'm glad that you enjoyed this
. I've really been frustrated with my writing for a while, so really, this... kinda made my day 
. Thank you for giving this story your time!
4765063
Frustrated with your writing? I'm sorry to hear that. I hope things improve for you in that vein soon, as I see some nice potential in this story.
It'll be a while before I get to them as I have over 140 stories ahead of them in my RiL, but I've added Pies, One Small Mistake and Child's Play to my RiL. I know exactly how it feels for a work to go largely unnoticed (case in point) and I'm hoping to find some undiscovered gems.
Typically I expect flashbacks or the such in italics, so it was a bit weird to see it reversed. That and the weird bold during the point where Rarity was talking during the flashback was weird.
As for the actual story, it was enjoyable. Rarity having a connection to LD is new and different. I only wished you went a little more into LD's backstory, it feels like a copy paste of RD's at times and after she leaves Rarity's boutique I feel like she would have come back at some point.
This is still a good story though, and I applaud the use of two odd characters together!
You can has review!
6389383
Thank you so very much. I don't know what else to say other than thank you for your review and your advice. It's a big help.
...
So. If I am guessing correctly, Rarity and Lightning Dust were one time friends. Lightning's dream was to become a Wonderbolt like his father, who passed away. She was teased mercilessly for her inability to fly. This made her decide she was going to prove them wrong by any means necessary. Yet, after got her cutie mark Rarity became too busy for her friend and put it in Lightning Dust's head that in order to get into the 'Bolts, she had to be 'fabulous'. I understand how this made her reckless and self-centered, but why did Lightning start crying? Why did what Rarity say cause her to break down?
7874231
The line, "I'm proud of you, Dusty," and the speech Rarity gave afterwards made Lightning Dust break down (and when she made Lightning cry, it was in the present. Everything else you mentioned -- which was all correct -- happened in the past). I understand that the italics can make this pretty hard to understand sometimes
Also, thank you for your comment!
7876145 But that doesn't answer WHY that made her cry. Why would those words cause Lightning Dust to breakdown? As for the italics, I'm used to the italics being the flashback, not the other way around.
7876186
Oh sorry, I read that question wrong (
). Basically the idea was that Lightning Dust was doing all those things because she never got recognition from anypony, and she was desperate for validation. Her father had passed away at a young age, she was often bullied, when they were young even her closest friend had blown off her getting her Cutie Mark, and then she had been kicked out of the Wonderbolts. To hear Rarity say that she was proud of her was a big deal, because she'd never heard that from somepony she really cared about before. So, she broke down.
I wrote this story over 3 years ago, which is why that probably isn't as clear as it should be (and that also explains the italics being "backwards". Back in 2013 was when I was really trying to find a "style", and so I tried some experimental stuff in my writing. Some of it worked, some of it didn't).
This was lovely. Some great character work between two poorly represented ponies. And not a cliche in sight.
11319969
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it