As I desperately tried to ignore this commercial jingle that plays ceaselessly over my job's speakers, my friend and coworker made the mistake of telling me what he named his Guild Wars 2 character. When I finally stopped laughing, I began to tease him. As I am a cruel man and an even worse friend, my vehement remonstrations over his character's name escalated until I wrote an entire story about it.
And then I posted said story to his Facebook wall. This is that story.
Kind readers, join hands with me as we follow the exploits of Dark King Oblivion on his not-so-epic quest as a cashier at Sugarcube Corner. Through great heartache, hardship, and a dizzying array of neurons that fail to spark, watch as he discovers the sparkly, saccharine magic of friendship—accompanied by a perky blue smurf, Gumdrops McHappysparkles—while he gallivants about happily in Tortilla Land. Which is functionally identical to Equestria, save for the smurfs in tortilla hats, and the inhabitants' tendency to break out in commercial jingles.
Crossover between Guild Wars 2/Smurfs/My Little Pony/my job slowly consuming what little is left of my sanity/what is this, I don't even-
With a very special cameo by another coworker of mine, who knew I was writing it and asked me to "take him to Tortilla Land".
To anyone who actually reads this: I'm sorry.
Now with a hilarious dramatic reading by the immensely talented PresentPerfect!
i just need to read this, simply based on the title. brb reading, back in a few
2662307 If you make it past Dark King Oblivion's opening monologue, and every other one of his numerous, angsty monologues, you get a reward.
*Feng lazily screws the silencer onto his pistol*
You get a release from all pain, yay!
I.... I honestly dont know what to say. its one of the few fics that i have read that honestly deserves the Random tag.
goo.gl/A2lQN
the sheer amount of wtf is astouning, have a stashe.
2662467
I've always felt more comfortable writing Discord and Pinkie Pie...
Oh...my...god... This is beautiful!! My job plays that same damn commercial every 20 minutes and it's enough to drive me insane!
2665073 I'm an overnight stocker at a grocery store. My MP3 player broke and I haven't replaced it yet.
That song is slowly raping my mind. Glad that someone on here had a point of reference for why I wrote, uh, this. I can only imagine the horror you felt when you came to this site and saw those five words on the screen.
2666791 I wish I could take credit for that line, but alas, I am not a witty man.
the fuck is this shit
3012132 That was pretty much my coworker's reaction.
And mine. And I wrote it. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like I should apologize to you for some reason, though...
3012137 No, it's fine. I knew what I was getting into.
3012142 I'm still sorry.
I sure as Hell didn't know what I was getting into.
3012147
Please, please tell me that some one read this and made an Asuran character named Gumdrops McHappysparkles just so they could follow DKO around shouting “Take me to Tortilla Land!”
... because if not, I'll do it,
3082888 I'm assuming Asura is a server on GW2.
Please don't harass my friend.
3082897
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw9389_small.jpg
Asura are technically little grey guys with floppity ears, but I figured if you dyed his hat and pants white and everything else blue it'd kinda look like a Smurf,
3083315 Ah, I see. Alas, the joke would probably be lost on him. I posted the story to his facebook wall, but I never got him to read more than a few paragraphs before he gave me a sober look and told me, "Feng...you're an asshole."
What. The. Fuck?
That's my response to your story.
I am quite surprised the story doesn't get more fucked than it already is.
The descriptive part was excellent all the way, hell I loved that the most. I hope I get to emulate that myself in the future.
But the plot?
Tssk...Tssk
I don't know how that story can get more fucky than it already was half-way through.
Plus the last part felt like a cliffhanger ending to me.
Holy shit that was weird.
3382191 Yeah, that story was, as the description stated, more of an in-joke between me and my coworkers...but, it is a pretty good example of my manic stream-of-consciousness writing style. Bear in mind I wrote it in one morning while drunk off my ass, without editing.
If you'd like more crazy, this is a story I wrote that didn't pass Fimfic's mods due to it being too meta. I fully intend to correct that meta bit and resubmit it, eventually.
3382328
How many hours of writing you had under you're belt?
Because I would so love to write that experienced work in one morning while drunk.
Than again I never got drunk in my entire life. I'm 16.
Though I did drink a little bit. Just in small get together's with others.
Nothing major - but anyway's!
If you can write like that, then I am immediately signed on for your future stories - so you cleared by respect and now I will follow you!
3382337 How many hours? Eh, thousands and thousands. Most of it was on Livejournal, though, and it wasn't storyin'. I didn't start writing actual stories until this February.
Never mind the drunk thing. I'm a raging alcoholic—mostly by choice. Pretty much everything I've written was while intoxicated. Including every comment from me you've received. Pretty wasted right now, actually.
It's...not something I'd advise for everyone. Especially not 16-year-old everyones.
The drinking is just another weird idiosyncrasy for me.
Thanks for the follow, though. One of these days, I might even put out a story that isn't crappy!
La la la la la la,
What in the world is this?
?!
3412897 My description pretty much sums it up. Just something (really) off-beat I did for fun. And to make fun of my friend.
3414607
Yeah. I read it, just ?!
Sir, what the fuck did I just read?
3486544 Exactly what I said in the description.
I still can't get my friend to read it.
Your apology is accepted. I am so very glad I read this.
5445764 Well, it's always nice to know that someone got something more than confusion out of my insane raving.
Thank the heavens they stopped playing that god-forsaken tune at my job, at least.
No Crossover tag?
Fuckin' finally did it!
6071251 This. Is. Glorious.
Hey, in case you are interested, I wrote a review for this which can be found here.
6191300 Thanks for the heads up. I'll let my friend know just how popular his Guild Wars character is with reviewers.
Lol, it's something like what I'd imagine Overlord from the Overlord game series might say if he could talk.