Why was I so lucky?

by Artyom the Brony

Bailed out... again...

“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! (think about that in the most literal way possible…) How in the hell do action movie heroes do that without any pain!? Oh right, Hollywood, where a pistol shot goes through a tank, kills the gunner, which ends up shooting the antagonist and saving the day…”

I ‘landed’ the fall, completely botching an action roll to soften the fall. It seemed that any window I dived out of, which was ten now, had a mandatory height requirement, of no less than six feet off the ground.

“I need to stop diving through things. Maybe just stop slo-mo diving entirely. But you look like a badass! All the chicks will want you bro, trust me. The last thing I want right now is to be desirable, sorry buddy,”

Getting up, I saw something that mostly confused me. I saw in that same window, four mares stuck, seemingly all having jumped through at the same time to get to me. Not even trying to stop myself, I burst out laughing at the rather humorous sight. What shut me up, was when on of them lurched forward about three inches.

“What in the sam fuck?”

Then another one, they were being knocked towards me ever so slowly.

“C’mon Steam Rush! Hurry up!” came a female voice from the other side

“I’m trying believe me!” that, that was a male voice… god, damnit

I bolted in a random direction, any direction as long as it wasn’t there was fine with me. What worried me more was that those mares had smiles when he presumably bucked them in the ass. Were they into that kinda stuff? Were they masochists? Only time will tell, scratch that, fuck time, I didn’t wanna find out.

“Ho boy, what I would do for a TARDIS key right now…”

Just as he said that, a chestnut stallion with a brown mane perked up and gave me a funny look.

I would have stopped and asked him if they had Doctor Who here as well, but the sound of freedom, and then a bunch of feet… hooves… pounding on the ground was enough to keep me going.

I ran down the street like a madman. Seriously the looks I got as I ran past, screaming a number of insults directed at the stampede behind me, were pretty good. I ran for probably about five minutes, screaming things like featherbrain, N00B, suckers, and other things that applied to ponies. I was taking random twists and turns to get away. There was no reasoning to my route, just away. After a while, I decided to look back and see if they were tired, or had stopped the chase. Looking back, I saw instead of thirty ponies, I saw about seven. Looking ahead I saw seven more. Run down an alleyway and there were four more, next alleyway, four more. I jumped up and got a decent grip on the roof of a building.

Hey, I’m six three and they’re four three, how tall do you want the buildings to be?

I started to pull myself up, It wasn’t excessively hard, but it was much appreciated when something pulled me up.

“Hey, thanks for the help there friend. What’s you’re na-… Clever girl…”

Rainbow Dash was giving me the most ‘come hither’ eyes you have ever seen. That girl you hired two week ago for that exact purpose, not even close to this. She had her wings folded and was slowly approaching me. I took the only route of escape I had left, down. I rolled an inch and fell seven feet to the ground. I did it on purpose and did not botch the landing this time. A good ‘sweet Jesus my parachute didn’t open how does this technique even help me’ landing, or a ‘five point’ landing if you want to be all correct about it.

“End of the line Etrius,” Celestia said in that same evil maniac voice

“I swear to god Tia, you sound like a creepy pedophile molester. But given your age and mine, isn’t that far off,” I commented, preparing my body

“You need to stop calling me ‘Tia’,”

“You don’t, always get, what ya waaaant. But if ya try sometimes, ya get what ya neeeed!” I sang “But my retort to that is you need to stop trying to get in my pants,”

“You, by far, are the most disrespectful, smart-mouthed, most imbecilic individual I have ever met! You deny the Princess her wants, you deny her subjects their wants, and-”

“Did it occur to you that I might want to lose my virginity to one of my own species? Maybe one that I had feelings for?” I asked

“You… You’ve never had sex before?” Celestia asked, somewhat shocked

“No, no I have not,”

“I’m so sorry… I didn’t know. It will have to me first then, I must make sure it is wonderful your first time,”

“Fuck me…”

“CAPTAIN, WE JUST PULLED A SERIOUS FUBAR!”

“What happened?”

“We just said ‘fuck me’ in front of a bunch of rapist ponies sir,”

The captain pulled down his shades slightly “Mother of god… SOUND THE ALARMS! I served in this guys brain for longer than I can remember, and we got some damn good guys in the memory center, AND I WILL NOT GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT! LET’S DO THIS SHIT!”

“Oh don’t worry I will,”

“Cap?” I asked in an unsure voice “I don’t know what I can do… I lost,”

“Sonny, what was the first thing momma told you?”

“Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down?”

“Uhhh, right after that,”

“never give up, no matter what?”

“THAT! Yes put that into effect right now,”

“Yes sir!”

I think I just went insane. Whatever, I’m in a land of colorful ponies who want to rape me. Insanity is justified. I got up and faced Celestia.

“YOU! Are a grade A bitch, you know that?” I said, pointing

“Why don’t you take off those cloths and treat me like one,” she suggested. For gods sake get you mind out of the gutter.

“No, no I’m good thanks. So, I was thinking… what if you let me rest up a bit. So I can satisfy as many ponies as possible,”

“You tried that once, won’t work again,”

“Well it was modified to fit this situation. Give me some credit,”

“Stop stalling,”

“Well that was my plan until TWILIGHT! Does something, or another mare, or stallion, or fucking someone does something to help me. Maybe if TWILIGHT FUCKING SPARKLE! Would help me out I wouldn’t need to stall. Because TWILIGHT would help me out if TWILIGHT was here,”

“You’re not very subtle,”

“Fuck you. They called us ground pounders, not smarty pantseses… shut the fuck up!” I was kinda confused, even in the military I didn’t normally swear so much. Whatever! Feels empowering, like typing a message with caps lock on. OOH I wonder if there’s a special term for that. Hmm, wait… eyes what’s happening?

I brought myself back to reality and looked around. I was not in the middle of town surrounded by a bunch of ponies, I was now in an apple orchard. Well this is interesting. Huh, I really owe Twilight a few favors don’t I? Well, worth it… as long as the favor isn’t sex. That would be bad. Anyways, apple orchard, shit to do, aaaand I hear voices… god, damn it.

Author's Note:

OK! So, I may have been in Europe for three weeks. Lovely place, sucks I don't live there. Anyways, my most sincere apologies for not publishing this sooner, or doing something like that. DON'T HATE ME!

Comments

[Maeroon]

Damn. Celestia really wants the D.

[Bob Market]

runing really so .... Almost whole ponyvilly and more want to fuck one man really
and this the part when you come in and have choice get laid forever or get what is it called raip rapid ? well i hope no gays come along in the fuck crowd