- Member Since 25th Jan, 2012
- offline last seen Sep 11th, 2019
TwilightTK
Hi, um, im a brony, obviously... I've wrote some stuff before, but I'm new to the fanfiction world. Creative criticism is appreciated.
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comment if you want more, creative criticism welcomed.
Whew, that was rushed. The dialogue seems a bit strange, and perhaps you're misusing your enter key
And yet you have my attention. I'll see where this goes.
not bad not bad...i would like a little more detail on what they did. for example, instead of just saying hoofing and kissing etc, try to go into deeper thought. it was actually pretty good, i noticed a few spelling errors here and there, but hey - nopony's perfect, right? it was worth the read
yeah sorry bout the ending part... i basically been up for 24 hours straight and i wanted to finish this
Well, you've got the basic idea down, and it's well written enough that there isn't too many problems with grammar and such. However, it can basically be summed up in Rainbow Dash saying "I love you" and Spitfire saying "I love you too"
And then they fucked.
Stick some conflict in there. It's not exactly bad the way you have it now, but it could be made more interesting if Spitfire and Rainbow Dash had to overcome some obstacle before they could either confess their love for each other, or before they... well... you know.
Also, use imagery in your descriptions. Show, don't tell. If you don't know what that means, it's basically using as many senses as you can to describe something. How does Rainbow Dash smell? What sounds does she make? Is her coat fluffy, or smooth and short? What about Spitfire? Are they different, or the same? What similarities do they have that they notice? What thoughts are running through their heads? You get the picture.
There's definite potential here, keep up the good work!
>>Sir Leadhead, thanks for the constructive criticism, this was my first ever attempt at something trying to be romantic. I'll try to edit most of it as possible, thanks again!
420948
we all gotta start somewhere, right? As with everything, practice makes perfect! Don't stop writing, I'm sure you'll do great!
Well tbh your grammar was a bit bad, especially watch your "than" and "then", also you used weird punctuation marks at times. The story seemed a bit rushed, I guess this is a clop fic, and rly it was too rushed to clop well to. You might want to go more into detail, like explain what they were thinking, not just what physically occured. Anyway, with all the things Dash has been shipped with, I'm glad someone is sticking with the classics. I won't rate this because it seems so undercooked, but if you do fix this up PM me and I will proofread it ;)
As a writer who just started, I can honestly say that this has wonderful potential as many have said.
And I will most definitely follow this story.
*Looks at story* *Sigh* So much better than mine. :(
That was fun keep it going.
Need moar
just posted chapter 2.
Small chapter but great none the less.
just added chapter 3 (probably the end.)
Needs some work. slow down your plot, and stop to read what you are writing, that way you can see if it sounds right and re work it in to something better .
Use this, it will Help
Pinkie shuffling... Epic
Good story. If any new chapters are posted, expect me to come running!
440894no no no no no no not the end please not the end
>>brony_power well i guess i can add more, but im pretty much out of ideas.
i can see pinkie doing the shuffling.......
this is rushed that is all still will read
When they were at the spa, in the beginning I thought they were having sex already.
>>Sothile yeah a friend of mine told me it would be sorta funny to make people think they were already having sex, but just tricked them into doing something else
Formatting issues are my biggest concern. The dialogue of different characters should never-ever-ever-ever-ever be in the same paragraph. New character speaking always equals starting a new paragraph. There should also be a blank line between each paragraph, with the ultimate effect being that it looks something like this:
"Blah blah blah, blah blah? BLAH!" Character One shouted.
[blank line between paragraphs]
"BLAH BLAH. BLABBLE BLABBLE BLABBLE," Character Two replied.
Other than that, I have no idea if anything's missing, because I won't read a story unless it's formatted correctly.
MOAR!!!!!!!!
NOW!!!!
WHO WOULD DISLIKE THIS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
end it here, and i will kill you... (jk... but seriously, dont end it...)
943373 well like I said before, I dont know how to keep this going after what I already wrote... I guess I'll try.
well just keep it open, but don't stress about it would be what I said, if you ever get inspiration get back on it on the double.