Rainbow Dash used to not think of Twilight Sparkle as anything more than a simple friend. But that's soon about to all change when they get trapped in an "interdimensional portal for the next 3 days. In that time what exactly will they do...what IS their to do except....talk. During their time together what will they learn about each other and most importantly, About themselves.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This chapter is kind of short and lame the next one is much better!
"But that's soon about to all change when they get trapped in an interdenominational portal for the next 3 days."
The portal trapped them within multiple religions...?
So, wait... Rainbow Dash's first instinct upon seeing a gigantic portal of doom is to dive through it because Twilight is not in her house at that exact instant?
My flank smells shenanigans.
I think you're looking for "interdimensional," unless the portal connects the Baptists to the Seventh Day Adventists or such.
Not that that would be a bad fic, mind you...
First off, the word you're looking for in the description is "interdimensional", not "interdenominational".
Second, never have more than one character speak within a single paragraph. If someone else has something to say, start a new one.
Third, when using numbers, write out the words instead of using numerals (example: "three" instead of "3"). The exceptions to this are dates and times.
You also need more description. Pace yourself. The plot is almost as rushed as a cheetah chasing an antelope.
It's a good thing this site has a very helpful writing guide that explains everything you need to know about good writing. You should check it out.
2658046 Sure I could totally see Rainbow Dash diving through a portal, I mean think about it portals USUALLY go somewhere. Although in this case the portal goes nowhere if you catch my drift. By the way nice profile picture lol.
2659107
Yeah, but just because I see a door doesn't mean I'm going to run through it, especially if it's glowing and every glowing door prior to this one has ended up in "surprise" sex.
I think Rainbow Dash is being needlessly reckless to further a plot.
Also that is me, so thank you. Agree with me and I'll do something kinky for you involving flank.
2658116 Thank you! I will be sure t o change it!
2659180 Yea, I probably need go more into detail about what she was thinking.
LOL at that last sentence!
2658105 lol if i knew enough about that stuff i probably would make a fic about it.
hmm intrasting
this was an okay chapter but their are a few issues such as how did spike know that rainbow dash was missing,, also it seems the story is moving to fast , don't get me wrong it was a good chapter it just had some flaws like all story's do.
i liked the chapter though i must admit you might have gone a little to far with the cussing well in my opinion atleast. but over all a good chapter ^^
I popped over to this page and noticed an error immediately: I would advise changing "their" to "there" up at the top.
As for your actual writing, I would suggest reading everything you write out loud to help prevent fluency issues. The more fluent your writing is, the easier it will be to convey the image you've painted to the reader.
Good luck- keep up the good work!
2748155
Yea, though IMO cussing adds a little sense of seriousness to the situation, I mean if someone is evil enough to kill someone won't cussing (which most people do now days unfortunately) be nothing to them.
BTW don't know when I will have time to start typing up yhr next chapter been busy with work lately.
2754975
Lol can you tell i'm new to this whole fan fic thing!
Sure! Thanks for the advice. Much appreciated!
2748049
I hope to get better with experience!
Sure! Thanks for the honest feedback!
2657890
Yes, Yes the portal is intertwined with a variety of different religions. (sarcasm)
1st off u have the story go WAY to fast tune it back a bit and have a bit more meat to the story
awesome story
ive got to ask, why the scootaloo tag, I didn't see her once in the whole story
ive got to ask, why the scootaloo tag, I didn't see her once in the whole story
3145304 Yea, at the beginning of the fic I was planing to incorporate her in to the fic somehow...She does get maybe a sentence or two but I kind of didn't get it done how I planned.
2784446>>2657890>>2658046>>2658105>>2658116>>2658116>>2709154
Guys if you hated this fan fic read my newest one, it's not by any means a work of art but it's WAYYY better than this one!
http://www.fimfiction-static.net/images/story_images/106772_r.png?1376917183
Hint Hint!
Damn, haven't been on here in a LONG time, hehe, kinda embarrassed about my first fan fic to be honest, it was complete ass.
FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA A NEW PARAGRAPH EVERY TIME YOU CHANGE SPEAKERS PLEASE
4927752
LMAO, hey man, I said it was pretty bad! ^_^