When your the coolest pony in Equestria nothing can go wrong, right?
Seventh Part of the Magic is Love Series
Twilight X Rainbow Dash
Disclaimer: Aside from the basic story idea I make no claim to any other material unless otherwise noted
Warning: This in an experimental fic that I've been working on and off for a while now, I'm trying my hand at a story dealing with more than just a happy-go-lucky style. I hope that you enjoy the tale though as that is why its here.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Constructive criticism:
Your writing (plot, characters, dialogue, etc) is decent enough but your grammar is atrocious. Your use of commas is off. You should review these common grammar errors. Also, the story seemed rushed towards the end.
Good story. Some editing would help out, though. Try to get a prereader.
It could`ve been good. But you utterly ruined it right in the middle.
"Say those three words." Sheesh. Is there anything cornier?
And Dash, of course, is too meek and dumb to actually do anything about it other then drop the ball and then get the "pep talk" from her friends.
Here... Let me demonstrate you a different route.
"We've been bucking! There is no love, there is you and your ego and how anyone who sleeps with you is lucky that you've done that for them!" The tears were now becoming a waterfall down her face and Dash was beginning to feel her heart ache at the sight. "This ends now Dash unless you can get those three words out from your mouth, this is the end."
Rainbow growled. In one quick spurt, she bowled Twilight over, pinning her to the floor. "Say the words, you say. I love you. Are those the words you wanted to hear?" - she breathed, her face just inches away from Twilight`s, - "You are the smartest pony I know, Twilight. So tell me, why did you force me to tell you what`s plainly obvious?"
"I..." - she didn`t know how to continue. For the first moment in this altercation, Twilight Sparkle was the one at the loss for words. "Yes, you. It all comes back to you, Twilight." - snarled Dash, now pulling away - "You keep doubleguessing everypony, don`t you? Had I ever given you a reason to think I don`t love you? I`ve stuck with you, thick and thin. We slept together, read together, ate together. And still, you felt the need to hear me say "I love you"? Well, I DO."
She hopped off the stunned unicorn and pushed the door open - "I`m leaving, Twilight. I`ll be back later... Much later. Because, as much as I love you, I can`t stand you right now. I`ll be back when you`ll learn to trust me."
1592188 Thank you for the support and I will go back and edit this, thanks again.1592229 I did warn you that is was an experimental fic and I happen to like corn. I wrote this to be a Dash hurting Twilight fic, although I will admit what you wrote is very good, but it is not my story. I appreciate the comment, but I'm not going to completly do a 180 on this story.
1592321
The problem is not that.
"Dash hurting Twilight' notion lacks any tangible substance. She does not cheat, does not neglect, does not abuse. So how exactly Dash is hurting Twilight in this one? Not following the romance story script ad librum?
Now, I don`t begrudge you the right to write a romantic sadfic. Hell, I wrote a little something myself, not so long ago. The problem is that you don`t really show much of a reason for Twilight to act that way... and most importantly, no reason for Rainbow to respond in that way.
If Twilight were after those words for months, and Dash kept refusing to say them - it could`ve had some merit. But as is, Twilight comes across as neurotic bitch and Dash as a whipped doormat. Neither of those characteristics is particularly fitting to the characters.
1592321
Slight twist on what Cyto has said, while I do think that the idea in itself is good, and the concept of 'Too Cool' fits Dash all but perfectly, I think that you could have shown this a bit better than what you have done. If you have a look at Dream of Me you can see what I mean.
Try to show that Dash is in conflict between openly showing her affections for Twilight, and being seen as uncool for having a relationship, This would probably solve Cyto's problem of showing Dash as a 'Whipped Doormat' and give Twilight an actual reason for being said 'Neurotic Bitch'.
All of this is constructive though, I like the idea, but not how you've gone about it.
Thank you for the specifics folks and I will go back and edit this later that is a promise.