- Member Since 4th May, 2013
- offline last seen Aug 5th, 2016
FireBlastThePony
That guy who use to be DarthFlame and created "Ponyville Therapy"
FireBlastThePony
Joined 4th May, 2013 ·
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I'm not going to lie, this story has an excellent premise. The thought of somebody coming to the mental/emotional/psychological aid of both our heroines (and their subsequent acquaintances) was enough to draw me in. This, however, leads me to another topic.
Your writing is fluid enough not to make me strain, but the pacing is quite fast. Overall, you could've drawn the opening chapter out quite a bit considering, of all ponies, Pinkie Pie was the first to volunteer as the psychiatric patient to Dr. Flame. This brings me to another premise: The good Doctor. Not to put you down, but the whole "My mane and tail are on fire" schtick is a little...dry. Really, you could've made the stallion any plain old Equestrian and I'd be fine.
So, in summary, work on: Plot, Pacing, Characters (in the aspect that they need not be as "Extravagant" as you depict).
Not bad.
God speed, friend.
2649286 Thanks for commenting. I do realize that this was quite rushed, so i'll make an effort to improve upon that next chapter. I also understand how having a stallion with fire for hair is a bit over the top. So, i'll try to work on everything you addressed, and I appreciate the feedback.
2649355 And I appreciate the appreciation!
Good luck with the story, I'll be sure to keep an eye on it.
Now, since I am uncapable of giving good critisism like tropical octave, I'll just point out what I liked in the story. Your story was good, but once you think about it I'd probably say the story does move a tad too fast,but it's great. As for mistakes the only one I could find was whos mane and tail were on fire, I think you meant whose. Great story
2649394 Thanks for pointing that out, I went back and fixed it. Also, glad you enjoyed it!
Nice but a bit too quick for a first chapter. And the whole Pinkie Pie thing, well let's just say you'd be better off having Pinkie Pie come in with some other sort of problem rather then the whole "she can break the fourth wall but no one knows this" premise.
2649819 Well, the only other thing I could think of was that she has a sugar addiction, but I didn't think that would be interesting. I could also do something regarding the pinkie sense or the puffy to flat hair. None the less though, I appreciate the feedback.
2649850 Well then if you can't really come up with anything original perhaps this could've worked better if the therapist started on Pinkie Pie because of the whole "Welcome to Ponyville Party".
2649881 The thing is, he isn't allowed to pick and choose patients. He has to let them come to him. Though, the party is the reason why everyone knows about his business, it wouldn't raise any red flags about her, and Darth can't just go up to a pony and say "You might have mental or emotional issues, come to my therapy business." Now, I could actually start to adress the whole "child labor on rock farm" thing, since Pinkie's trust in Dr.Darth has probably gone up.
Actually, replying to your comment just reminded me of that. So, I have a general idea of how I want to go with Pinkie's chapters now to make it more interesting.
"That this was quite rushed"? No, no, no, no, my dear. You don't make an excelent premise and then half-ass (am I racist against donkeys again) it. Sit on your
assdonkey, (I mean not yours as belonging to you but one you're friends with), and do the best you can. Because it still has a great potential.(Few tiny things: as a newcomer,
dudepony would not know about Lyra. And what wall in a room is fourth? We know that Pinkie breaks fourth wall, don't need to be so brutal about it, I guess. Putting on references to fanon and fandom is cool, but forgetting about being subtle makes it IMHO seem like treating readers like at least not paying attention10 bits... since 1 bit is a smallest coin, it would be like working for bottle caps, and not Fallout ones. I don't think any psychotherapist would work for less then a lot :D )
Looks like the initial boom has died down, buddy (where the most viewers come in to your first great story).
This story is off to a great start, but I have to agree with the others, pacing is just a bit too fast for my tastes. Also:
You changed verb tense. You can't do that, either pick past or present tense and stick with it. It may seem like nitpicking, but it's the little things that separate the good from the great. And I underlined a typo.
It's good so far, just a few little things like that here and there.
2652545 Yikes, I wasn't even aware of the tense changes. I'll try to fix that with the next chapter. I realized that writing these on a WiiU Gamepad is an awful idea too. I mean seriously, it took me a total of 8 hours to write 1000 words on it.
2652619
You... You've tried writing on the gamepad too?
...
HOW MUCH MORE ALIKE CAN WE BE BEFORE IT'S CONSIDERED CREEPY!?
2652638 I didn't think anyone else had tried doing that besides me!
Also, I have no idea where the line is drawn between coincidence and creepy at this point
.
2652660
I think it's somewhere between "You're actually my brother and we've both kept being bronies secret from one another"(coincidence) and "Stalker who's 'following' you in more ways than just on FimFiction."(creepy)
...
*checks behind back*
No one's there, it's all your imagination.
You still haven't fixed that "thise" typo around where the tense changes are.
2652686 I fixed that just 2 minutes ago actually. It should have saved to the story.
2652702
I see it now...
So, are you working on the next chapter now, or is it still in developing?
2652723 I'm typing it up as I type this comment actually. I'm shooting for about 3000 words, assuming I can come up with that much. The good news is, I thought of a lot of other things I can bring up with Pinkie, and of course Derpy has entered, so that will be something.
I don't really think the rock farming thing would count as child labor. It's like kids that grow up on a farm and have chores to do.
In response to (1), no, it is spelled filly/fillies. A philly would be a particularly tasty meat sandwich, so unless you're doing therapy on sandwiches/ground pony meat, it isn't phillies. If you are... I think YOU are the one who needs therapy, my good ma- er, pony.
And some editing help:
Forgot to capitalize the I.
Unreadable is a single word, there is no need to place a hyphen, and in fact, it is incorrect to have the hyphen.
And this:
I think you missed an opportunity here; His mane is always on fire anyway, so you could have followed this up with something like "****, NOT AGAIN! WHY DID I MOVE INTO A TREE ANYWAY?" really, you could put whatever you want, but with a mane and tail constantly in flames it would make sense for him to be used to this sort of thing happening, or at least have gone through a situation like this before.
That's all I have to say, keep it up!
2654564 I just said that to make it more interesting.
2654593 OH DARN IT! HOW DID I NOT THINK OF THAT?
Also, thanks for telling me how they spell it, couldn't figure it out to save my life
2654680
This is why the edit button was made, my friend.
And you had written
I think you meant here. That's all I could find. And you write fast.
really fast
2654705 I knew I was forgetting to fix a typo. Thanks for reminding me of it.
You aren't going to like this, but:
Mentions - present
Shouted - past
Tense changes are apparently your enemy and they want you to burn just like your mane.
2661539 Oh, so I did make a tense mistake. I'll go and fix that then.
2661546
Always glad to help!
How did I forget to fav until just now?
For those looking at the comments for as to what I changed:
> Added what the mysterious letter was
> Did a funny little tidbit in the last paragraph
> Removed Sunset Shimmer