Ditzy, aka Derpy, is no stranger to being bullied and expects to be by anypony she meets. But Ditzy is about to find out that not everypony you meet is a bully, and help and understanding can come from the most unexpected of sources. Will Ditzy find out the way she makes him feel? Will he come to terms with his feeling for her, will he be able to learn to love?
Graduation and Prom, the most amazing nights in a young pegasus life, will be the finale to their high school career. Will he be able to ask her out on this special night? Well practice makes perfect, and the upcoming Winter Formal will give him the chance to make his move. or will it?
AN: I honestly don't know where this idea came from. I was just going about my day when it popped into my head. Ironically I came across a fic that same day with the same ship. So maybe I wasn't as crazy as I thought.
Awwwww... This made me smile :)
This is a great story :)
2635654
yay, made someone smile
aw thanks, that means a lot. I was so worried people wouldn't like it ^^;
2635829
Well, you did a great job ;D
Hmmm.
I shall watch this with interest. Good pacing...didn't see any mistakes...
Do continue...
2639247
oh my gosh, you don't know how much that means to me, that has really given me a confidence boost, thank you so much
oh and I shall, chap 2 will be longer (I'm having trouble finding where to end it, off all things) and prob out later this evening.
2640490
I thought it was pretty good. Something seems a tad off- not sure what it is...but anyhoe...
chapter 2
YAY!
Mushy?
I BELIEVE the term you are looking for is 'dawwww' moments.
......thunderlane and derpy?
'daww moments?
.......what say you pinkie pie?
my thoughts exactly.
2640556
Not sure how to describe it. Maybe a bit choppy/rushed?
I kinda hope you're planning to have a continuation of this fic when they're older.....
2640957
hmm, yeah maybe. It was hard transitioning the focus from Ditzy, to the class', to TL. gotta work on that. it's not done yet lol, but I know what you mean, and oh yeah definitely. I was planning doing something like that, but I'll have to see where this story takes me, and how far into the future I wanna go in this fic.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
*AHEM* sorry 'bout that, great work with the story really looking forward to reading more!
2672367
it makes me so happy that people enjoy my story, and yes derpy is awesome 
and aww thank you :) yeah I'm working on it but finals and boring stuff get in the way
oh I don't mind at all
WHERE IS CHAPTER THREE
I'm so angry that this story only has two chapters that I got careless and "accidentally" clicked the favorite button AND the like button
2765526
eep, I'm sorry, don't hurt me... me? haha XD oh yeaaah, I forgot about chapter 3 
. but thank you so much for the "encouragement" 
it reminded me that I really have to work on chap 3, its a WIP.
accidentally clicked the favorite and like button, huh? well, don't accidents turn out to be the best of things ^^ as seen in chapter 23- erf nope must not give spoilers. its kinda sad I have almost every other chapter written out except chap. 3; it's more or less a filler chapter and I suck at writing fillers becasue they get to long and redundant
I see that you have a love for Derpy haha :)
Blossomforth cannot have a good fashion sense.
She simply cannot.
2801191
why is that?
you can take it as you may, you can interpret it as Diamond Dust mocking Blossomforth's lack of fashion sense.
2801258 If she had any sort of fashion sense, she'd permadye her mane into something that isn't the worst possible color combination
2801344
but green and pink are watermelon colors. are watermelons not awesome? but hmm, yeah she really doesn't look good with that color combination, but hey maybe she's not allowed to dye her hair lol.
2801373 I actually hate watermelons
But one's an inner color and one's an outer, they aren't really guaranteed to work together on something that isn't immidiately eaten IMO.
The idea about her not being allowed is pretty funny. I can just imagine a story about Blossomforth and her stuck-up noblepony parents, one with pink hair and one with green (for added humor make the father have pink hair), who forbid her to dye her mane because they're really proud of and obsessed with family heritage or whatever. So she has to endure endless mocking for her color scheme. In the end she points out that her color scheme is actually quite similiar to Celestia herself and noone has the gull to mock her anymore, arriving to the show's situation where it's accepted.
2801395 oh *poker face* well I guess you have a point there. im going to sound stupid now, what does IMO mean?
but yes that is definitely an interesting idea, yes a dad with pink mane *mrf* pretty flipping hilarious if you ask me 
yes I love writing bullying scenes, even if they give me anxiety attacks 
they're fun to write. lol pulling the Celestia card is pretty good, and I'm pretty sure it would work. and yeah that would be a nice explanation why no one bothers her about her color scheme
indeed it is, hmm thats actually pretty funny, I should write that sometime. maybe after my huge Derpy project is done I'm up to 50 chapters in all technicality. chapter 23 and 50 are done cuz they're special scenes, but everything in between needs writing done
2801575 IMO is "in my opinion". Glad you liked my idea, heh
Feel free to steal it if you wish, I know I'll never write anything character-centered (heck, I'm not planning on ever writing anything, really) so if you feel inspired to do that then by all means. 
2801588 ah I see. yeah it's rather cute, I love origin stories as stated on my profile ^^ so any origin type ideas I like. oh no, I wouldn't dare steal your idea, I'd credit you, after all it was your idea not mine. oh and thank you for allowing me the use of your idea, I'll note you or send you a comment if it ever is written out and posted. probably take awhile though ^^
2801635 Okay, it would be cool as heck to read a story born out of my random idea
but I realize that you're preoccupied with your own and in any case in my experience it's usually hard to feel excited about bringing someone else's idea to life, at least before you really get it going, so I'll understand if you never get around to it. 
i have never looked at derpy this way its very interesting
3139839
Really, well thank you ^^ I'm glad you find it interesting. Hopefully chapter 3 lives up to your and others expectations
Congratulations. This is the first story that I've bothered to read on FIMfiction with my new account! Suffice to say, it was not disappointing.
On another note, I'm trying to build up a reputation as a reviewer in these parts. Would you mind if I sent you a private review (or public, your choice) so I can test my skills?
3277018 wow, glad to know you liked it
ah I see, well I'm a bit of a reviewer myself just not really an open one, if a story moves me enough (whether good or bad) I usually spend a while reviewing it. but yeah sure, anything to help improve another's skill. I would love it if you reviewed my story, but um if you don't mind I'd prefer it to be a private review... unless um idk whatever works best for you
yeah I'm not as proud of it as I was when I first posted it, it definitely is one of my weaker stories but fire away, I look forward to receiving your review
Mr. Bran= Bran Muffin?
3823168
Perhaps....
I'm not a very creative individual when it comes to pony names.
I like your story, i can image how hard it have to be to write a good story, i try to get a good storyboard myself but i always not statisfied with the result. Well i am a bit self-aware and need someone later wich would look after the grammar for me because i speak (German) usually. It would be my first story ever.
Right now i have two or three storys and only one complete chapter for each of them. Well i am not tried to make advertising for myself, so i am just tell you that i really like the idea of youre story and that is enough for me.^^ I don´t really look for the grammar.
I love thee idea and i like to see that Ditzy is a bit well, let me say i like to see something that seems to fit Ditzy and how her life could be in a school becaus of her eye probems. I don´t want to search for the right words right now, but i think you get allready that i like it.
do you continue this? i don´t want to keep it in my favourites if you don´t continue this.
Does everyone know a similar story? I don´t want to stop watching this to fast, but i want to read another one if there is already one like this. With the Schoolfilly theme thing.
Greetings, author. I am here to bring thee a review of thy story, as thou hast requested. Before I begin, I wish to note that I shall not go out of my way to debase thee or thy fic. However, neither shall I blunt mine opinion, though it may seem harsh at times. The best thing an author can develop is thick skin, so as to weather criticism such as the type I shall level against thee in this very review.
And now, with no further ado, let us away to yon long description:
If I had to point out one to thee about thy description, author, ‘twould be that questions often belong not, particularly en masse. The description should tantalize the reader with information, not make it seem like thou knowest not how the story will unfold. Regardless, I feel as though I already know the answers to the questions thou hast put forth. Let us see if I am correct—onward to chapter one…
…which thou leadest off with a weather report.
I feel as though lately I have been harping over opening sentences in particular, but ‘twould do thee a disservice if I stopped now—opening sentences with a conjugation of “to be” as the main verb are boring. ‘Tis far more interesting to have something actually happen. Use an active verb; give the reader something to bite into. In many cases, this is thine only chance to keep a reader’s attention, and as such, thou shouldst put thy best hoof forward.
See what thou hast done here? Thou hast provided description without shoving it down the reader’s throat in one big block of text. I applaud thee for this.
So Ditzy realizeth that she hath some spare time before school and decideth to stop at her local bakery to purchase a muffin. However, when she goeth to pay, her eyes drift in opposite directions, disorienting her. I was not aware that “wandering eyes” was an actual affliction someone could have—in fact, ‘twas mine understanding that Ditzy had a lazy eye, a condition which seemeth odd to look upon, but which the affected individual becometh accustomed to. I shall allow thee the benefit of the doubt on this one, I suppose.
Ditzy payeth, and the shopkeeper giveth her the spiel about how she should not be ashamed of who she is. I know not what their actual relationship truly is, so I found the physical interaction between them slightly disturbing, seeing as how he is a grown stallion and she is a mare still in primary school. Again, though, I shall overlook this in the belief that they are close friends.
I will point out that the inspirational speech Mr. Bran giveth is overly ham-hoofed, and sometimes even misleading. For example:
Well… not really, Sir Bran. Admirable as Ditzy’s efforts may be, thou canst not put down other ponies without knowing about their accomplishments. What happeneth when Ditzy goeth to school with the belief that she is a better flier?
No—this is Pinkie’s special invention (ostensibly). If thou wishest to transplant it into thy story, thou needest provide some hint as to Mr. Bran’s connection to Pinkie Pie.
Anyway, Ditzy realizeth she will be late if she tarrieth any longer, so she departeth for school. Fortunately she arriveth on time in her classroom with time to spare for breakfast. Unfortunately, someone walketh in, and the chapter endeth. Author, thou needest provide a bit more description. To know that “something” hath entered the classroom telleth the reader naught. If Ditzy cannot see it, then ‘tis fine, but allude using other senses, such as hearing, or even smell. However, since Ditzy can see this ominous figure, give the reader a quick snapshot. Otherwise, all I know is that an amorphous gray blob hath appeared.
Chapter two beginneth with the reveal that the “something” was a gang of bullies, the leader of which proceedeth to torment poor Ditzy. Methinks that in thine efforts to garner pity for Ditzy, thou hast written the bullies too aggressively.
Clearly, if ‘tis how they act on a regular basis, an adult would have intervened at some point, but I would think it more likely that their true behavior would be more toned down. As all this goeth on, one member of their group exhibiteth his disapproval right from the get-go.
Ooo, I wonder if this is the love-interest thou mentionest in the description (note that here I wave my hooves in the air sarcastically). Wherefore is he part of this group if he cannot stand their harassment of Ditzy, which thou wouldst have us believe occurreth frequently? Would he not have split ties with them by now? So far, I cannot truly believe they would act this way.
The bullies steal Ditzy’s muffin and play hot-potato with it while the “charcoal pegasus” attempteth to pry it away from them. Ditzy herself is too scared of Diamond Dust, the leader’s, wrath, and thus simply remaineth on the sidelines. By the time Thunderlane (thine oh-so-subtly hinted-at love interest) retrieveth the muffin, ‘tis ruined, and he must throw it away. ‘Tis at this point that the teacher entereth and all the bullying ceaseth.
What a coincidence it is that the teacher did not enter a few moments earlier, or mayhaps hear some of what was happening on her way in. To be fair, she is not the most considerate of ponies on our green Equestria.
And nary an apology to be seen. The crap-heap upon poor Derpy’s head buildeth.
After a most trying calculus lesson, followed by a joke in poor-taste at the expense of those less skilled in math, the teacher declareth that the class must undertake a fund-raising project in order to prevent their prom’s cancellation. Apparently, those in charge have planned a semi-formal, less-expensive dance that the seniors must attend in order to attend prom for free, because bringing in less money while spending more is a strong tactic that hath always worked in the past.
The whole class is excited regardless, save for Ditzy, who is still nearly paralyzed with fear over Diamond Tia—Dust, I mean; forgive the slip—over Diamond Dust’s bullying. To be wholly fair, if she is subjected to such torments every day with nary a sign of relief in sight, her reaction is one of the most reasonable things thus far put forth in this story.
Thunderlane approacheth her to inquire about her health, but before they can hold any sort of meaningful conversation, Diamond Dust approacheth to snag her love interest—yes, Thunderlane is the would-be coltfriend of one of the cruelest ponies seen in Equestria. This maketh him at least partially complicit, as his infirm stance enableth her to continue her bullying. I know that they are not technically a couple, but he alloweth her to nuzzle him and whatnot. ‘Tis clear that they are a pair, at least to some extent, yet I am supposed to see him in a positive light because he defendeth Ditzy. The problem is this:
It maketh no sense!
If he is this nice-guy, defender of the weak as thou potrayest, then how did he fall in with this group in the first place? Either he would have gotten sick of Diamond Dust ages ago, or she would have left him after his repeated disapproval of her actions.
Not to mention how contrived this is—unpopular girl is picked on by popular girl, whose boyfriend shows sympathy to unpopular girl. By the end, the boyfriend and the unpopular girl end up together while the popular girl gets what she deserveth (often a bath in the punch bowl). I wonder, will this story end in the same way? Let us continue on and see.
Diamond Dust finally leaveth, to Thunderlane’s relief. After this, Ditzy museth about wherefore her cheeks are warm when she is not embarrassed, because apparently there can only be one reason for everything. Thus endeth the chapter, as well as what there is of the story.
To be honest, I have seen this type of thing so often before that I am almost certain as to the way the rest of the story will play out—unless thou plannest on subverting reader expectations, in which case I apologize for the assumption. However, I have seen no such allusions to such a scenario. The overall treatment of Ditzy is entirely too heavy, to the point where I cannot actually believe that such an environment could exist. Someone would have already intervened. Mayhaps thou hast heard the saying that “less is more”. Thou canst lessen the torments heaped upon her head without compromising her unhappiness (I feel dirty writing that).
I also feel that thou needest tweak either Thunderlane’s character or his circumstances. Mayhaps he is a popular pony as well, when some event occurreth that bringeth Ditzy’s torment to clarity and changeth his outlook. Alternately, a less-popular Thunderlane could keep a personality similar to the one he hath now.
Those, along with the items I mentioned in the review proper, are the biggest issues I had with the story, and the ones I suggest thou focusest on. There were also scattered grammatical errors and typos, the likes of which a decent proofreader could aid thee to hunt down and correct. Thine overall prose is fairly strong, which is why I chose to focus more on subjective issues, rather than objective ones.
If thou hast any questions, do not hesitate to ask. I wish thee luck with thy future writing endeavors.
PLEASE continue writing this is amazing!
It's cute, and I like it so far. Hope it keeps going!
Ok, that's it. I'm in love with this story. NEXT CHAPTER PLEASE!